The Hub Show
by IfEaRnOfIsH
Summary: LIVE! From a deep dark cave, located in Wrong End of the Stick Forest, TEH HUB SHOW! Where Doctor Who and TORCHWOOD characters are forced to answer thought provoking *Quiet laughter* questions! Hosted by SchmEthan and IfEaRnOfiSH/Jinxy! HAMS!
1. A Barmy Intro

**Disclaimer:  
**WE DON'T OWN TORCHWOOD OR DOCTOR WHO! BUT WE DO OWN THE CAVE, THE FOREST OF WRONG END OF THE STICKS, THE ICECREAM VAN, THE POINTLESS STAIRS AND THE STRANGE WORLD BEHIND THE DOOR! We also own the epicness of this fic.

**Author's Notes  
**A review was made to Of Wizards And Popcorn. There was a reply to this review, and many misunderstandings followed. And, thusly, the most epic partnership was born. And from this epic partnership came the most epic fic of our time. We (As in SchmEthan and IfEaRnOfIsH/Jinxy) Hope you enjoy our completely pointless and random little escapade. LONG LIVE THE HAMS!

Cheesy American Intro Voice: LIVE! From a cave where no one can hear you SCREAM, it's the HUB SHOW! And here come your hosts…SCHMETHAN AND JINXY, also known as IfEaRnOfIsH!

***SchmEthan appears from cave's tunnel, accompanied by scared clapping from audience***

SchmEthan: PRUNES! I'm SchmEthan, also known as Ethan, also known as OH NO!

Smart arse from audience: Aren't there meant to be two of you?

***SchmEthan pulls out cheese gun and shoots Mr Smart Arse***

SchmEthan: I have the second host right here, actaullies! ***Pulls Pokeball from pocket* **I CHOOSE YOU, JINXY!

***Girl jumps from Pokeball* **

Jinxy: JINNNXXXAAAYYY!

Audience: ***Crickets chirp***

Jinxy: ***Stamps foot* **I SOUND LIKE A POKEMON! GEDDIT?!

Audience: ***Crickets continue to chirp***

Jinxy: I SAID... ***Pulls out scary looking brick* **I. AM. A. POKEMON. GEDDIT?!

Audience: ***Scared round of applause***

Jinxy: Thank YOU.

SchmEthan: Anyways, welcome to the HUB SHOW! LIVE, here, in the deepest darkest cave we could afford! We capture ***Ahem* **Invite the TORCHWOOD team and other Doctor Who characters into this lovely little lair so we can torture ***Ahem* **interview them!

Jinxy: MAJOR YAYS! TOUR TIME!

SchmEthan: Agreed. You can be the not-so-glamorous assistant!

Jinxy: WHY YOU LITTLE…

SchmEthan: ***Cuts over Jinxy's major tantrum* **HERE we have the ice cream van!

***Ice cream van jingles as Jinxy jumps on top* **

SchmEthan: Here we hand out the ICECREAMS OF DOOM!

Jinxy: ***Very unglamorous pose* **

SchmEthan: No one knows what happens when a fictional character eats these ice creams…but we know it's something VERY BAD!

Jinxy: ***Dark voice* **Very bad…

SchmEthan: You know what? I think it's time for a totally unnecessary ORAGAMI DUCK WAR!

Jinxy: NYAH!

***Jinxy and SchmEthan battle for a few hours, and then realise there is a show to do***

SchmEthan: OK! Now THAT'S settled, we move onto the FLIGHT OF STAIRS!

***Random flight of stairs are revealed from behind a toaster* **

Audience: ***Crickets chirp***

Jinxy: NO! SEE! THERE IS NO POINT TO THESE STAIRS. ***Runs up stairs and falls off top* **AYYYEEEEEE!

SchmEthan: ***As Jinxy falls with a splat* **We just felt like that there was a need for stairs. Ya know? Stairs? And stuff?

Jinxy: ***Picks self up* **TAAA DAAAAA! PLUGHOLES!

Audience: ***Give forced gasp***

Jinxy: And last…

SchmEthan: But not pineapples…

***Curtain pulls back to reveal secret door with huge question mark***

Audience: ***Forced gasp of wonderment***

SchmEthan: THIS IS THE DOOR…TO ANOTHER WORLD.

Jinxy: Of COCONUTS.

SchmEthan: No. Not of coconuts. ***Gives Jinxy fond pat on head while reaching for chloroform* **Silly Jinxy.

Jinxy: ***Epic scowl***

SchmEthan: ***Smug* **Behind this door lies a world which contains a mysterious monster…

Jinxy: WHO LIKES COCONUTS.

SchmEthan: No, Jinxy. No coconuts here. Radiators, maybe, but coconuts…no.

***Something growls and bangs on door***

SchmEthan and Jinxy: Oooh dear…

***SchmEthan and Jinxy try and shove the door closed as thing tries to break free* **

Jinxy: NYYYAAAHHHH!

SchmEthan: COULD WE GET SECURITY PLEASES?!

***A whole army of origami ducks charge out through tunnel and surround door***

SchmEthan: Do not fear, dear audience. For the ducks have it under control!

Jinxy: HURRAH FOR PAPER DUCKS! ^^

SchmEthan: TUNE IN NEXT TIME TO SEE US INTERVIEW CAPTAIN JACK HARKNESS!

Jinxy: And if any viewers out there would like to send in any whales ***Ahem* **questions, we ask that you PM us, rather than send your questions through reviews! TIS VERY BAD IF YOU SEND THROUGH REVIEWS! That is all!

Cheesy intro voice: Now a word from our sponsors…

SchmEthan: Who is that guy?

-

_Are you an avid reader of Fanfiction? Do you sometimes get the urge to splurge out on some plastic bags while in the middle of your favourite story? ......... Oh, you don't? Well, how about this!_

_ELECTRIC CHEESE!! For only £13.37 a seco...*cough*month, you could have this dazzling charged cheese delivered direct to your door every... whenever the manager feels like it! Try our ELECTRIC CHEESE today!!!_

_Warning: batteries not included. Eating Electric Cheese may cause some side effects such as ingestion, digestion, egestion and an overwhelming desire to shout ELBOW SKIN at the top of your voice. By signing up for electric cheese, you sell your soul to Puff the magic dragon and allow SchmEthan and Jinxy access to all your keys and possibly hams, depending on whether or not they feel like eating. And David Tennant is lol._


	2. Of Harkness and Radiators

***Forced applause as SchmEthan and Jinxy return***

SchmEthan: Well hello there, you wonderful bunch of turnips, and welcome back to THE HUB SHOW!

***Cheesy tune thing happens***

Jinxy: WOO! Coming up: IT'S CAPTAIN JACK!!!!!

***Audience forcibly swoon***

SchmEthan: Do you have to force EVERYTHING you do?

Idiotic, person-who-doesn't-value-his-life-very-much person in audience: Yes?

***Jinxy leaps on top of him and starts reciting the entire Pokedex***

Person-whose-last-description-I-can't-be-bothered-typing-again,-dammit-this-one's-longer: PLEEASSE!!!! NOOO MOARS!!!!

SchmEthan: JINXY!!! HEEL!!!

***SchmEthan receives evil glare from Jinxy***

SchmEthan: Don't make me eat this ham which miraculously appeared in front of me!

Jinxy: HAMMMMMMMMMM!!!

***Jinxy grabs ham from SchmEthan and trundles over to corner***

Jinxy: HAMMM HAMM HAMMMY HAMMY HAM HAM... ETC.

SchmEthan: RIGHT! Now we can get on with this. DRUM ROLL PLEASE!!

***A drum is rolled across the stage***

SchmEthan: Alright, whoever did that is going to HAVE to be Jinxyfied!

Jinxy: BLARGH!

***Jinxy does REAL drum roll on a lawnmower***

SchmEthan: Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, cheeses of all maturity, please give a huge CAVE TORTURE/HUB SHOW welcome to the one, the two, the three CAPTAIN JACK HARKNESS!!!!!

***Captain Jack struts into the cave and flashes a smile, causing everyone within a twenty metre radius to collapse***

Jack: Well, hey there! I'm Jack and I-

SchmEthan: Yes, yes, now could you please take a seat over here?

***Jack sits down, expecting a chair. Jack hovers***

Jack: Is there even a chair here?

SchmEthan: Jinxy, did you put a chair out for Jack? ... Jinxy?

***SchmEthan looks over to the specially designed (and possibly recurring) corner to find Jinxy swimming in her own drool (and Poffins, for some reason) from the effects of Jack's smile***

SchmEthan: Right... No, Jack, there isn't a chair.

***Jack falls to the floor***

Jack: Thanks for that.

SchmEthan: No worries! NOW, first of all... ***carves out Jack's face with a credit card and then sticks it back on***

***Jack comes back to life***

Jack: An interview, you said! A nice, friendly, non-violent, devoid-of-face-carving-but-not-necessarily-cheese-making interview, you said!

SchmEthan: Yes, well, we lied.

***Jack tries to leave, but SchmEthan picks up guitar and plays epic riff, causing Jack to turn into a duvet***

SchmEthan: Don't bother trying to escape, those origami ducks can give a nasty papercut!

***Drags the duvet... I mean Jack back and unduvetfies him***

SchmEthan: Jinxy, could you...? ***Realises that Jinxy is still immobilised by Jack's man-charms***

SchmEthan: SCHMETHAN USED PARLZ HEAL! JINXY RECOVERED FROM PARALYSIS!

Jinxy: Did you HAS to yell that out loud?

SchmEthan: Yes? By the way, could we have a nice coathanger for Jack to sit on please?

Jinxy: NYAH! ***Hurls coathanger at Jack***

Jack: Are you serious?

SchmEthan: NO!!!! I'M AS SANE AS A FLIPPING PANCAKE!!!!1!!!!!!ONE

Jack: ***Is scared***

SchmEthan: ANYWHO, question uno! What is a waffle?

Jack: It's food, isn't it?

SchmEthan: NO! ***Beats Jack with a rainbow* **It's a rhyme of ROFL! TWO! If three is two, one is sixty four and forty-five isn't, WHAT IS THIS??!?!? ***Pulls out a KitKat wrapper***

Jack: Is it a KitKat wrapper?

Jinxy: YEEEESSSSHHHHHHHH!!! ***Steals KitKat wrapper in a huge, Jinxyfying escapade involving genetically altered carrots***

SchmEthan: Right... OK, THREE! If I had a brush-

Jack: Dragonball Z.

SchmEthan: CORRECT! FOUR - Do you like beans on toast?

Jack: Yes, I-

SchmEthan: *Moves dangerously close to Jack's face* WITH MOULDY TEALEAVES

Jinxy: DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING...

SchmEthan: OK, Jinxy, you can stop now...

Jinxy: ...DING DING DING DING DING DING DING!

SchmEthan: ***Sighs while dinging continues* **So Jack, serious questions aside, what's it like working in Torchwood?

Jack: It's great! I get to fight aliens and die repeatedly and stuff! And then there's Ianto... ***Jack raises eyebrows***

SchmEthan: Ah, yes. I believe Jinxy has something to say about that...

Jinxy: ***Begins to growl***

Jack: What's she doing?!

SchmEthan: ***Retreats to safe distance at top of stairs***

Jinxy: ***Slowly prepares to spring***

Jack: What's your problem...?!

Jinxy: IIIIINNNNN THHHHEEEE NAAAAMMMEEE OOOOFFFF GWEEEEENNNN! ***Leaps on Jack, and whacks him repeatedly with conveniently placed radiator*** WHY-DON'T-YOU-LOVE-HER?!

***Audience forcibly laughs, cries, agrees and stands on their heads***

SchmEthan: CAN WE GET SECURITY BEFORE SHE RADIATORFIES OUR GUEST?!

***Origami ducks drag Jinxy off mangled Jack***

Jinxy: ***Foaming at the mouth***

SchmEthan: ***Sighs as Jack rezzies*** You asked for that, buddy. Our Jinxy is not a big fan of the slash.

Jack: *Sourly* I gathered that.

Jinxy: *From corner* RETURN MA RADIATOR!

***Jinxy stays perfectly still as radiator is thrown at her head***

SchmEthan: So, you're good friends with the Doctor. Tell me, can I get a suit like that?

Jack: Na, he says the only other suits like that are in the BBC's wardrobe. Still don't know what he means.

SchmEthan: ***Evil glint in eye* **Muahahahahahaha! MUAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Jack: SchmEthan? You there?

SchmEthan: YES! Sorry about that. What would be the worst thing you've ever seen like ever?

Jack: It'd have to be-

***Before Jack could answer, SchmEthan pulls out a laptop and shows Jack a video involving breadsticks, Lady GaGa's vocal chords and Gandalf***

Jack: That. End of.

SchmEthan: Eckscellent! Now, where's out Jinxy got to?

***Jinxy returns from Pokemon centre looking much happier***

Jinxy: Fellow creatures of the Earth! Isn't this cave just so wonderful? I think that we should all-

***Jinxy stops as SchmEthan re-wires her***

Jinxy: JINXAAAYYY!!! RADIATORS!!! HAM!!! RICK ASTLEY!!!!!

SchmEthan: Much better, don't you agree, Jack?

Jack: ***inhales***

SchmEthan: Did I say you could talk, mate?

***A microphone stand is placed in front of Jack***

Jack: What's that supposed to do, exactly?

SchmEthan: You know, I have no idea... ANYWHOOOOOOO, I think it's time for SOME ICE CREAMS!!!!

Jinxy: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGHGHGHGRHGHRHGHRGH`RGHGRHGRHRGHG!!! ***Jinxy trundles off to get ice cream van***

Jack: OOH! I could do with an ice cream! What flavours you got?

SchmEthan: Doom, gloom and mentally unstable.

Jack:... Sorry?

SchmEthan:... I mean... Nice, tasty and mentally notunstable!

Jack: Oh, that's alright. For a minute there, I thought you said doom gloom and mentally unstable.

***Jack gets up for an ice cream. SchmEthan walks over and pats him on the shoulder***

SchmEthan: Come now, Captain! Why would we give you ice creams of doom!

Poor, poor silly person in audience: Well, you said in the-

***Person cut off by a glare from Jinxy burning his hair off***

SchmEthan: So, Jack, what shalt thout be havingeth?

Jack: Weeeeeell, nice flavour sounds good.

***Jinxy pops up from behind the counter in an ice cream uniform to make Jack a nice (doom) ice cream***

Jinxy: Would you like some really bad things.... I mean BLOODY AWESOME sauce?

Jack: OKS!

***Jinxy gives Jack a glowing black ice cream***

Jack: Eating this couldn't have any really, really bad and/or embarrassing repercussions later, could it?

***SchmEthan punches the guy holding up the sign saying 'Epic Foreshadowing'***

SchmEthan: No, it couldn't possibly. ***SchmEthan grabs Jinxy and hides behind a doom-proof shield***

Announcer guy: We'll be right back after these commercials!

-

_The Hub Show epically random awesome quiz!!!!!!_

_YOU, yes YOU, could be in with the chance of winning £198234750219384752093847520389475209384520938412093572304857130984752193.45, a speck of dust, OR the chance to make a guest appearance on the next, or possibly some other, HUB SHOW LIVE!!!_

_To be in with a chance, simply send a PM to SchmEthan (.com/~schmethan) with the answer to this question!_

_What is that?_

_A dog's tail_

_A lightswitch_

_A free electron_

_Jinxy's *coughnotsoglamorouscough* face_

_PM's cost £198234750219384752093847520389475209384520938412093572304857130984752193.46 and the winner will be chosen at SchmEthan's discretion. During this time, the right answer will also be selected by Jinxy depending on how she feels at the time. LOL._

_-_

_Are you feeling bloated? Congested? Desperate? Then try going to the toilet! It's a great way to stop yourself exploding! And the good news is, for only £SchmEthan's nose per month, you too can enjoy the benefits of going to the toilet! _

_Warning: going to the toilet can cause skid marks and a bad smell. The cost of toilet roll and other such accessories is not included in the price. Terms and conditions apply, most of which can be found on the inside of Jinxy's eyelids._

_-_

Guy: Welcome back!

SchmEthan (wearing a Bill Oddie beard): So, we're in a cave in the Wrong End Of The Stick Forest, watching as the wild Captain Jack Harkness feeds upon an ICE CREAM OF DOOM! Observe...

***Jack licks ice cream before convulsing maniacally and growing cheese out of his eyes. His hand turns into a fishbowl and his foot into the Queen's head. A bucket falls from the sky and melts upon contact with Jack's head, which has now turned into a pile of burning literature (specifically badly written romance)***

***Meanwhile, SchmEthan and Jinxy busy themselves by throwing walruses at the audience in the nicest way possible, while they forcibly dodge them***

***After Jack implodes and rezzies, SchmEthan and Jinxy grab him***

Jinxy: OPEN THE DOOOOOOOOORRRR!! ORIGAMI DUCK ARMY!!

***Origami ducks open the DOOOOOOOOORRRR and Jack is flung inside***

SchmEthan: ANY LAST WORDS, JACK?!

Jinxy: He's already inside, SchmEth.

SchmEthan: Oh. Oh well. RIGHT THEN! That's all for now! Join us next time, when the lovely *coughnotreallycough* Jinxy will be tackling Ianto Jones!

Jinxy: WHY YOU LITTLE…

Audience: ***Forced applause***

SchmEthan: YOU CAN DO BETTER THAN THAT! ***Shoots self with YAY gun* **YAY!

***Shoots Jinxy***

Jinxy: YAY!

***Shoots audience***

Audience: ***Forced YAY!***

SchmEthan: Better. Well, for now, SchmEthan and Jinxy... AWAY!!

***Jinxy takes off while SchmEthan runs headfirst into corner***

SchmEthan: Ow.

_**Don't forget, PM your questions and your competition entries! I will NOT accept bribes… *Grin***_


	3. Of Janto and Jinxy's Dislike

***Forced applause as Jinxy hurtles out, followed by SchmEthan***

_SchmEthan: _Hello, one and all! And welcome to the HUB SHOW!

***Cheesy intro tune***

_Jinxy: _NYAH! ***Jumps on top of staircase* *Growling***

_SchmEthan: _You can't stay up there for the whole interview.

_Jinxy: _I CAN and I WILL. ***Hurls hippo at SchmEthan***

_SchmEthan: _***Shoots hippo out of the cave with used sock* **Look, we all know you don't like Ianto much…

_Jinxy: _DON'T speak his name! ***Hiss***

_SchmEthan: _But, let's put it this way. All the radiators are located DOWN. HERE.

_Jinxy: _***Death glare at random member of the audience for no reason whatsoever* **I hate you, Ethan. ***Jumps down as audience member combusts***

_SchmEthan: _I know. ***Hands moody Jinxy a KitKat wrapper* *Continues as Jinxy gives contented squeal* **Please, give a huge HUB SHOW welcome to Mr. Ianto Jones!

***Audience forcibly squeal and combust as Ianto is herded on stage***

_Ianto: _Where am I? Where is the coffee machine?

_SchmEthan: _***Takes in breath***

_Jinxy: _NYAH! THIS ONE'S _MINE_! ***Shrieks at Ianto* **SIT!

_Ianto: _***Looks around wildly* **Where?!

_SchmEthan: _Umm…it looks like Jinxy forgot to put a chair out again.

_Jinxy: _OR I JUST DON'T LIKE YOU VERY MUCH! ***Growl***

_Ianto: _Riiiggghhttt…where can I sit, then?

_Jinxy: _IN THIS FRIDGE! ***Hurls fridge at Ianto***

_Ianto: _***Opens fridge and sits in the bottom self***

_Jinxy: _RIGHT! If there were two moo moo cows in a field, and they both eated a butter, how many fridges would there be?!

_Ianto: _Twelve ice cubes.

_SchmEthan: _CORRR-ECT!

_Jinxy: _***Hiss***

_SchmEthan: _MY TURN! If I had one chocolate bar, and nineteen llamas, what type of coat hanger do I have?

_Ianto: _Super ultra maximus sling factor.

_SchmEthan: _He's good.

_Jinxy: _***Growl* **

_SchmEthan: _Well…ask him then.

_Jinxy: _I don't want to. GIMME HAM!

_SchmEthan: _ALRIGHT! HERE'S YOUR HAM! ***Throws ham at Jinxy***

_Jinxy: _ALBAQUERKY! ***Trundles off into corner***

_SchmEthan: _And now, some questions from the most important turnips around…OUR VIEWERS! Please welcome…CHARLOTTE STOUT!

***Girl appears* *Spies Jinxy***

_Charlotte: _JINXY!

_Jinxy: _LADY SQUIDGE!

_SchmEthan: _Wait…you two carrots know each other?

_Charlotte: _EPIC BUDS! ***Throws drum at Jinxy***

_SchmEthan: _OK! Pose your questions!

_Charlotte: _Do you like bath tubs?

_Ianto: _Umm…yes?

_Charlotte: _Major yays! Do you like the taste of bonjela?

_Ianto: _Well…I suppose the taste is satisfactory…

_Jinxy: _***Ghasp* **Who DOESN'T like Bonjela?!

_Ianto: _I'm not saying I DON'T…

_Jinxy: _***Hiss***

_Charlotte: _MOVING ON! What did you dream about last?

_Ianto: _I can't say… ***Suggestive grin***

_Jinxy: _***Foams at the mouth* **WHERE IS MA RADIATOR?!

_SchmEthan: _***Grin* **Someone give Jinxy her radiator.

_Charlotte: _Why? What happens now?

***Radiator is thrown at Jinxy* *Audience begin to clap insane forced beat***

_SchmEthan: _Just follow me… ***Grabs Charlotte and heads up staircase***

_Jinxy: _***Begins to advance with scary look***

_Ianto: _Look…I don't want any trouble…

_Jinxy: _IIINNN TTTHHEEE NAAAMMMEE OOFFF GWWEEENNNN… AGAIN! ***Attacks Ianto* **WHY-ARE-YOU-KEEPING-JACK-ALL-FOR-YOUR-SELF!

_Ianto: _OW OW OOOOW!

_SchmEthan: _***Shouts over radiator bangs* **Jinxy is in NO WAY homophobic… she just likes Gwen better than Ianto!

_Jinxy: _BANG BANG BANG!

_Ianto: _OW! STOP PLEASE!

_SchmEthan: _Right, can we get security?!

***Jinxy is dragged away by origami duck army***

_Jinxy: _NO ONE MOOUUUUURRRNNNS THE WIICCKKKEEEDD!! ***Is thrown back into corner, hugging radiator and muttering random Wicked lyrics* **

_SchmEthan: _And with that, thank you for your questions, Charlotte!

_Charlotte: _DO I WIN GOODIES?!

_SchmEthan: _You win ELECTRIC CHEESE and a FRIDGE!

_Charlotte: _EPIC YAYS! ***Snatches items and disappears***

_SchmEthan: _You OK, Ianto?

_Ianto: _Blaarrgghhh…

_Jinxy: _THE WICKED DIE ALLOOOONE! ***Sneezes***

***Random Llama appears***

_Random Llama: _HUMNA HUMNA CHEESECAKE! ***Disappears***

_SchmEthan: _And with that frankly unscripted llama appearance, it's time to move on to some really random, not-serious questions! What, would you say is the bestest feature of the Hub?

_Ianto: _***Disbelieved ghasp* **THE COFFEE MACHINE!!!!!!!

_SchmEthan: _And why's that?

_Ianto: _***Rocks back and forth* **Coffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffee.

_SchmEthan: _I couldn't have said it better myself! AND... why Captain Jack?

_Ianto: _Well, he-

***Is interrupted by a hoarde of blue pumpkins being controlled by Jinxy's earlobes***

_SchmEthan: _Oh yes, this is only rated K+... Well Ianto Jones, that's about it for our questions.

_Ianto: _THANK GOD!

_SchmEthan: _Me and Jinxy are VAARRRYY sorry the dreadful treatment you have received for the duration of this episode.

_Jinxy: _I'M NOT! ***Hurls radiator at Ianto's head***

_SchmEthan: _So with our humblingest apple-o-gies, we would like to offer you a COMPLETELY FREE ICE CREAM!

_Jinxy: _Yes…ice cream… ***Disappears to fetch ice cream van while cackling* **

_Ianto: _Although I dread to think why she's cackling…I suppose free ice cream does make it all better.

***Faint jingling can be heard as Jinxy reappears, dressed as a Pickachu***

_SchmEthan: _Jinxy…that's not your ice cream outfit.

_Jinxy: _Why ISN'T it my ice cream outfit?

_SchmEthan: _Just go and change.

_Jinxy: _***Hurls narwhal at SchmEthan before disappearing again***

_Ianto: _She doesn't like me…does she?

_SchmEthan: _No.

_Jinxy: _***Voice echoes all around cave from seemingly nowhere* **DON'T THINK I CAN'T HEEAAARRR YOU COFFEE BOOY!

_Ianto: _***Quite afraid***

***Jinxy reappears in ice cream outfit in ice cream van* **

_Ianto: _What flavours do you have?

_Jinxy: _Cat sick twirl…

_SchmEthan: _Dung bomb float…

_Jinxy: _And Quite-Average-And-Tasty-Looking!

_Ianto: _Err…the last one please.

_Jinxy: _There you are! ***Hands Ianto Quite-Average-And-Tasty-Looking ice cream with huge grin***

_Ianto: _Why is she so cheery all of a sudden?

_SchmEthan: _Just eat your ice cream.

***Jinxy begins to cackle evilly as Ianto takes first lick***

***SchmEthan joins in***

_Ianto: _What? ***Turns an interesting shade of purple***

_Cheesy intro guy: _WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK AFTER THESE MESSAGES!

-

_Cheesy voice: __**Who's your favourite host? Jinxy…?**_

_***Jinxy appears* JINNNXAAAY!!**_

_Cheesy voice: __**Or is it SchmEthan?**_

_***SchmEthan appears* CHEEEEEEEEEEEEEESE!!**_

_Cheesy voice: __***As Jinxy and SchmEthan engage in epic battle with windowsills and umbrellas, and the odd paperclip* Well…if you can't decide, than look no further!**_

_SchmEthan and Jinxy: __**Huh?**_

_Cheesy voice: __**For the Hub Show Host Action Figures are here!**_

_***SchmEthan and Jinxy are transformed into miniature plastic figures***_

_Cheesy voice: __**With super cool abilities! The Jinxy model comes with epic RADIATOR HURLING ACTION!**_

_***Jinxy model hurls plastic radiator at plastic SchmEthan***_

_Cheesy voice: __**And completely epic QUESTIONS!**_

_SchmEthan Plastic Model: __**If there were ninety nine coat hangers in my fountain, and one billion and three paper cats in a bath tub, what flavour ice cream would be generated?**_

_Cheesy voice: And they can be yours for only £80,000,000,0000,0000 per model! Don't delay, order today!_

_Warning: Action figures may try to kill you repeatedly using methods with varying degrees of randomness. Jinxy must constantly be fed ham (not included) while SchmEthan must always be in the vicinity of a pencil. Action figures available at all terrible retailers and inside Jinxy's toenails._

_Cheesy intro voice: _AND, IT'S THE HUB SHOW!

_SchmEthan: _WELCOME BACK!

_Jinxy: _***Giggles evilly as Ianto writhes in pain on floor***

_Ianto: _Garg…

_SchmEthan: _***As Ianto flickers between a fish and a rabid coat rack* **I think it's time we shoved a certain team member into…

***Crickets***

_SchmEthan: _INTO… ***Pointed look at Jinxy***

_Jinxy: I_ SUPPLY THE DRAMATIC MUSIC NOW?!

_SchmEthan: _Well, YOU broked the sound people AND their coffee mugs!

_Ianto: _Meow…

_Jinxy: _S'not my problem if they wouldn't hand over their corners. ***Indignant sniff* **They got what was coming to them.

_SchmEthan: _And what was coming to them was BLOODY SARDINES SHOVED UP THEIR…

_Jinxy: _FINE! I'll do your dramatic music! ***Deep breath* **DUN. DUN. DAAAA!!

_SchmEthan: _***Slightly smug* **THE ROOOM! LET'S GO PAPER DUCKS!

***Paper ducks charge in and open the door wide* *Thing inside roars as Jinxy and SchmEthan hurl Ianto into its depths***

_Ianto: _GLARPLE!

***Door is slammed shut***

_Jinxy: _BYE! ***Does happy dance***

_SchmEthan: _Tune in next time, when we will be interviewing Gwen Cooper!

_Jinxy: _***Quiet cackle***

_SchmEthan: _What are you cackling about…

_Jinxy: _***Full scale evil laughter***

_SchmEthan: _OH NO! SHE STILL HAS HER RADIATOR! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! CUT TO COMMERCIALS!

_Jinxy: _NOOO GOOD DEEED SHALL GOO UNPUNISHHHED!! ***Approaches camera slowly* **I'll get you all…I'LL GET YOU-

***DUE TO ERROR INVOLVING RADIATORS, THE HUB SHOW IS MOMENTARILY OFF AIR. TO KEEP YOU ENTERTAINED, HERE IS A SHORT ANIMATION OF JANTO!***

_Jinxy: _***Off camera* **GRRRRRR!


	4. Of Gwen and Choices Between Men

***Even more forced applause as Jinxy comes out***

Jinxy: BLARBLEBLUH!! I mean... welcome back to the HUB SHOW!!! ***Looks around* **Are SchmEthan be late?

SchmEthan: Do, you're shtandig od my phlace...

Jinxy: What? I can't make you out. I think it's because your teeth are over there. ***Steps off SchmEthan and retrieves his teeth before putting them back in and standing on him again***

SchmEthan: Thank you. Now, you appear to be standing on my face.

Jinxy: Oh.

***Crickets forcibly chirp***

SchmEthan: Sigh. Well, we're back, you brilliant cornflakes you! And yes, it's the HUB SHOWW!!!

***Super cheesy tune thingy***

Jinxy: HEY! How come that didn't work for mes?

SchmEthan: Because _I _replaced the sound people's coffee cups which _you _broked. Now can you PLEEEEEZZEEEE get off me?

Jinxy: Mumble grumble curtain pole grumble. ***Steps off SchmEthan***

SchmEthan: ***Vibrantly jumps up* **Wow, that was vibrant! ANYWHOO, guess what?

Jinxy: GHASP!! The President of Ham is going to give us a lifetime's supply of ham plus free cave insurance?!?!?!?

SchmEthan: No, WE'RE GOING TO BE INTERVIEWING THE (quite attractive) GWEN COOPER!!!

***Audience forcibly OOOHH!!***

Jinxy: I WANT HAM AND CAVE INSURANCE!!!!

SchmEthan: Well, you'll just have to put up with this instead. ***Gives Jinxy a nice dismembered Rubik's cube***

Jinxy: ***Contented yays***

SchmEthan: So, before we begin the completely illegal super-torturing COUGHCOUGH I mean interview, I think it's time for SOMETHING RANDOM!

***A multicoloured Pringles tube falls from the sky before exploding in a cloud of tomatoes***

SchmEthan: Eckscellent! AND NOW! Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, chalks and cheeses, please welcome the lovely coughcoughyesreallycoughcough GWEN COOPER!!!!!

***Audience forcibly cheer and wolf-whistle as Gwen happily walks in***

Gwen: Hi!

SchmEthan: Hi!

Gwen: Hi!

Jinxy: Hi!

Gwen: Hi!

Audience: Forced hi!

Gwen: Hi!

Jinxy: ANYWAYY!! SIT YOUR BOTTOM DOWN OVER THERE! ***Points to a traffic cone***

Gwen: What? I can't sit on that!

Jinxy: Sigh. Tell her, SchmEth!

***Tumbleweed rolls by***

Jinxy: SchmEthan?

SchmEthan: ***Dribbling uncontrollably* **Schlphorbatryunignsifnwyou'rereallyprettyfulnciwnfurnja;n...

Jinxy: I see...

Gwen: Why does this happen to EVERYONE I look at?

Jinxy: Dunno. Right... LOOKEE HERE! I HAVE SOME CHEESE!!!

SchmEthan: CHEEEEEEEEEEESE!! ***Grabs cheese only to find that it isn't there* **WHERE'S MAH CHEEEEEESE?!?!?

SchmEthan's cheese: WE IS OVA HEEEAR!!!

SchmEthan: WOOHOO! OK, moving on, SIT, WOMAN!!

***Gwen scarededly sits on traffic cone***

SchmEthan: HERE'S YOUR QUESTIONS!!! One: if I had a giant pencil, a giant piece of paper and the overwhelming desire to draw a bedknob, what's for dinner tonight?

Gwen: Uh... Mashed potatoes?

SchmEthan: NO! ***Smashes a drawing canvas over Gwen's head* **TWO! One megalomaniac cow plus the slime from a rotting t-shirt minus the Jonas Brother's talent = 1337. If 1337 = four sausages inside a watch, WHY CAN'T I SEE ANY TREES?

Gwen: Because you're in a cave!

SchmEthan: YESHNESS!!

Jinxy: If microphones grew on trees and I poured several litres of Coke into my pocket, WHY DOESN'T JACK LOVE YOU?!?!?

Gwen: Because there are more sheep than people in Wales?

Jinxy: Probably.

SchmEthan: ALRIGHT! Enough solemnity, why did you leave the police for Torchwood?

Gwen: Because Torchwood to cool stuff like fight aliens and stuff!

SchmEthan: Like the Doctor does?

Gwen: NO! The Doctor is silly and I most definitely have never seen him except for when the Earth moved. ***Shifty eyes***

Jinxy: Are you SUUUREE? ***Strokes not-beard***

Gwen: Oh yes! Yup! Would never pretend to be someone called Gwyneth Cooper and help the Doctor stop some ghosts with Charles Dickens. Never.

SchmEthan: It's funny, that, because you look EXACTLY like Gwyneth Cooper and-

Gwen: ***Turns rabid* **IT WASN'T ME, KAYYYS!?!?!?!?

SchmEthan:** *Swallows own face* **Okies...

Jinxy: Right, on to more important stuff. ***Grabs Gwen by the collars* **YOU CAN'T LOVE RHYS _AND_ JACK _AND_ OWEN AT THE SAME TIME!!

Gwen: YES I CAN!

Jinxy: NOOOESS!! YOU HAVE TO PICK ONE! ***Produces radiator* **PICK NAO!

SchmEthan: Uh oh. When she's got her radiator, she means business... Yeah, you really should decide... (PICK ME, PICK ME!!!)

Gwen: Uh uh uh uh um er uh uh er um er uh uh uh uh uh hm um er he urmeu uerm uneurmuem, Rhys?

SchmEthan: ***Hides inside nearest audience member***

Jinxy: GRRRRRRRR! ***Starts foaming at the mouth***

Gwen: You're getting foam all over me! This is a brand new- OH NOES!!!

Jinxy: ***Bashes Gwen around the head with radiator*** WRONG WRONG WRONG! JACK JACK JACK!

Gwen: EEEKKK! HEEELLLLPPP!

Audience member: Forcibly get off me.

SchmEthan: ***Devours audience member*** Audience member: Hmm... ***Is quite very eaten***

SchmEthan: ***Burp*** ALRIGHT! SHE'S HAD HER FUN!

***Origami ducks throw Jinxy back in corner with battered radiator***

Jinxy: Jack for Gwen...JACK FOR GWEN!

SchmEthan: You OK, Gwen? ***Rushes to help***

***Jinxy barfs in corner***

Gwen: Gaaarrr... Jack?

SchmEthan: Why not?

Gwen: Yay! ***Gives SchmEthan/Jack a loving mouldy cucumber***

SchmEthan: ***Cries with joy* **THANK YOUUU!!!! NOW, ***Puts down mouldy cucumber*** Due to their EXTREME AWESOMENESS!!!!! for adding this fic to the Much Loved Funny Stuff community, we have a SUPER SPESHUL AWESOME GUEST APPEARENCE!!!

***Audience forcibly OOOHHH!!***

Jinxy: MAH NEW BESTESTESTEST FRIEND!!!

SchmEthan: Please welcome that epitome of awesomeness, PRINCE CHARLES!!!

***Origami duck origamis over to SchmEthan and whispers something***

SchmEthan: Oh, it's NOT Prince Charles... OK then, plan B. PLEEEEZEEE WELCOMEEEEEEE, WEEPINGANGEL123(456789)!!!!!!!!

***WeepingAngel123 falls from a convenient windowsill***

SchmEthan: Welcome to THE HUB SHOW!!!! I-

***SchmEthan is interrupted by WeepingAngel eating some shoes***

SchmEthan: OK... So, what's happening in WeepingAngel land then?

WeepingAngel: LOTS AND LOTS OF HOLE PUNCHERS AND EUROS!!!

SchmEthan: Lovely! Now, while you is here, are there anything that you t'would like to ask Gwen?

WeepingAngel: I have a 24234209348752304875 word essay on the inner workings of a cheesecake. If I shredded it in the presence of Leonardo DiCaprio, WHO FRAMED ROGER RABBIT?!?!?

Gwen: Was it 30 melons in a suit?

WeepingAngel: Yes!! ***Dances uncontrollably***

SchmEthan: Well, it's been great coughyeahrightcough having you here in our dank mangy cave today!

WeepingAngel: ***Stops dancing and schmecks SchmEthan with an oversized welly boot***

SchmEthan: Indeed. BYE!!!

***WeepingAngel flies away happy***

SchmEthan: OK, how are you feeling, Gwen?

Gwen: I feel like I have just been fermented under a landfill site wearing Freddie Mercury's clothes while being hit on the head with a spoon.

SchmEthan: I think someone needs an ICE CREAM!!!

Gwen and Jinxy: AWESOME YAYS! ***Stare at each other* *Fight to the death***

SchmEthan: JINXY!! ICE CREAM VAN NAO!!!

Jinxy: ***Singes SchmEthan before rolling away to get the ice cream van***

Gwen: ***Gets up* **Why can't I shake the feeling that we're not getting on?

SchmEthan: Don't worry about it; she's like that with everyone.

Jinxy: I CAN STILL HEAR YOU!!!

Gwen: If I was any more scared, my ears would have fallen off.

SchmEthan: I get that a lot.

Jinxy: ***Pops up in ice cream van wearing a pillowcase***

SchmEthan: Jinxy!

Jinxy: SchmEthan!

Gwen: Gwen!

SchmEthan: Ice cream person outfit please? Now?

Jinxy: GRR! ***Ducks down and flungs up again in ice cream person outfit***

Gwen: What flavours are there?

SchnEthan: Weeeelll, we have not-sure...

Jinxy: We-don't-know

SchmEthan: And I-wouldn't-have-that-one-if-I-were-you.

Gwen: OK... I think I'll have we-don't-know...

Jinxy: ***Hands Gwen a blue ice cream***

Gwen: ***Licks* **... Well? What happens n- ***Falls over before spawning English teachers from her ears***

SchmEthan: ***Backs off slightly* **WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK AFTER THESE MESSAGES!!!

-

_Do you watch the Hub Show and think 'I wish I had a cave like that'? WELL TOUGH, IT'S OURS AND YOU CAN'T HAS IT LOLOLOLOLOOLOLOLOLOLLOAHALOHAHAOLHALOHAOLAHOLHAOLHAHLOLOHAOLHOLHAOLHAOLHAOLHAOLHAOLHOLHAHAHAH!!!!_

_-_

_Suffering from impaired sight? Does your head feel heavy? Do you spend too long in the shower? THEN TRY CUTTING YOUR HAIR! It's the best known remedy for long hair! And for only a nominal fee of £Powerpuff Girls, we can have Jinxy cut your hair very prettyfully!! Past clients of Jinxy's have included Russell Brand and Pink Floyd._

_So what are you waiting for? Get your hair cut today!_

_Warning: haircuts may cause you to eat bread for no apparent reason. By cutting your hair, you agree to let it be used as a nest for the origami duck army and you also agree to pet a panda bear on your way out_

_-_

Cheesy voice: AND WE'RE BACK!!

SchmEthan: Yes! Welcome back to THE HUB SHOW!! You're just in time to see Gwen Cooper convulsing madly and doing purely random things.

Gwen: ***Changes into a suitcase and starts reciting the green cross code, before turning back into a red Gwen and standing up to find that she's grown an extra 9872340598723045982304597134 feet* **Is this normal?

SchmEthan: ***Writing random, not-normal things that Gwen's doing down to use again later* **Perfectly.

Gwen: I see... When does it st- ***Turns into a pea and gets eaten by a belt***

SchmEthan: ***Picks up belt and sinks to knees* **I'm sorry it had to end this way, Gwen. I know we didn't get much time to talk, bu-

Jinxy: SCHMETHAN!

Pea: GWEN!

SchmEthan: OK! ***Closes eyes as origami duck open the door and throws belt in* **BYE BYE!!!

Jinxy: THAT ARE ALLS FROM US! REMEMBER TO TUNE IN NEXT TIME FOR OWEN HARPER!!!

SchmEthan: I miss her. ***Sniff***

Jinxy: There there. ***Beats SchmEthan around the face* **There's plenty more peas in the porridge. Rose, for example.

SchmEthan: MMMMMMMH!

Jinxy: Sigh. ***Bounces off, leaving SchmEthan dribbling***

SchmEthan: Peas in the porridge.... mmhhh...

_Owen Harper shall be varryyy fun. WARNING! Rating is GOING UP. We can't take away Owen's ability to swear now, can we? We could do his dignity. Or his shoelaces. :P_


	5. Of Owen and Claires Accessories

**I KNOW. ITS HERE. VARY SORRY. Many apple-o-gies.**

Cheesy intro dude: LIVE! It's the HUB SHOW!  
***Crickets chirp*  
*Tumbleweed rolls by*  
*Shoe lace is thrown out of tunnel***  
Jinxy: MIIIINNNEEEE! ***Runs out of tunnel and rips shoelace to pieces*  
*SchmEthan appears***  
SchmEthan: That should keep her quiet. HI, ALL YOU CREDIVULOUS KITTENS! IT'S THE HUB SHOW!  
***Audience forcibly cheer and internally combust for joy***  
Jinxy: ***Burp*** and now…for this episode's guest…  
SchmEthan: He's the twattiest twat in Cardiff (and anywhere else, for that matter)  
Jinxy: OWEN HARPER!  
***Owen is herded on by origami ducks***  
Owen: Piss off.  
Jinxy: ***Ghasp*** Such bad words! HUSH YOU!  
Owen: Are you a Pokemon?  
Jinxy: Why, yes I am.  
Owen: Are you a Pickachu?  
Jinxy: …  
SchmEthan: AAAAANNNNYYYWAAAYYYYYS…please sit on this conveniently placed hippo!  
Owen: I won't sit on this conveniently placed hippo.  
SchmEthan: WILL!  
Owen: WON'T!  
SchmEthan: WILL!  
Owen: WON'T!  
SchmEthan: WILL!  
Owen: WO-  
Jinxy: SIT. ON. THE. HIPPO. ***Sparkles with Pokemon electricity***  
Owen: FINE! ***Sits on hippo***  
Hippo: Baa.  
SchmEthan: ***Slightly smug*** RIGHT! If I had five crash helmets and ninety six prawns, how many toes does a worm have?  
Owen: None. Aren't I meant to be dead or something?  
SchmEthan: Hmm. Good point.  
Jinxy: ***Innocent whistling***  
SchmEthan: Jinxy…  
Jinxy: Yeeeesssss?  
SchmEthan: Would the fact that Owen is alive have anything to do with you?  
Jinxy: NUNYA' BUSINESS! ***Hiss***  
SchmEthan: OK! Next question! A mustache walks down a shoehorn. If his name is Chloe, what Hogwarts house are you in?  
Owen: I don't do Harry Potter.  
Jinxy: OK!  
***Llama appears dressed as Hermione Granger***  
Jinxy: Wrong show, Llama.  
Llama: Blub.  
***Llama disappears***  
SchmEthan: And now, onto the completely-and-utterly-pointless questions! Where do you get those badges on your coat?  
Owen: I…well…erm…no, you see…  
Jinxy: Oh, I know where you got them from.***Sly***  
Owen: DON'T TELL!  
SchmEthan: WHA? TELL US JINXY!  
Jinxy: I won't.  
Owen: ***Relief***  
Jinxy: Not unless he pays me.  
Owen: I CAN'T PAY YOU! I WAS DEAD A MOMENT AGO!  
Jinxy: TOUGH CUSTARD THEN! ***Sings*** YOOUUUU SHHHOOOPPPP ATTTT CLLLAAAIIIRRREESSS!  
SchmEthan: ***Goes to kettle, boils it, gets mug, inserts teabag, pours boiled kettle into mug, adds milk, drinks tea* *Splutters over tea*** CLAIRES?!  
Owen: NO I DON'T!  
Jinxy: YES YOU DO! DON'T THINK I DIDN'T SEE YOU IN THERE!  
SchmEthan: CLAIRES! ***Rolls around in bacon-like in fits of laughter*** CLAIRES! CLAIRES! CLAIRES! CLAIRES!  
Owen: I DIDN'T DO NUFFIN!  
Jinxy: I'VE GOT PICTURES! ***Throws pictures of Owen in luminous leg warmers into now forcibly screaming audience***  
Owen: GIMME THEM! ***Runs into audience and is attacked by lurking fan girls*  
**SchmEthan: Oh LORD, who let them in?! DUCKS!  
***Ducks charge into audience and rescue Owen, escort sobbing fan girls from audience and hurl them into THE ROOM.***

Owen_: _Mmm.

SchmEthan_: _You OK there?

Owen_: _Watcha' pull em' off for?! I was rather enjoying myself, actually.

Jinxy: ***Serious foaming at the mouth***WHAT DID YOU SAY, BUDDY?!

Owen: I said…

Jinxy: NYAH! RADIATOR! ***Radiator is thrown***

SchmEthan: Oh dear. You're in for it now, buddy. ***Retreats to random Tudor house beam***

Owen: Look, come on love, we'll figure this out…

Jinxy: RAAAWWWWRRRR! ***Lunges with radiator***

Owen: GAH! ***Hides behind hippo***

SchmEthan: ***Yells over sudden wild goose chase music and shouts of, "COME BACK HERE YOU BLOODY PERVERT!"***WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK AFTER THESE MESSAGES!

-

_Cheesy guy: Is your life void of a piano? Would you like a piano? Well, here today- _

_***Is cut short when a piano falls on top of him***_

_***SchmEthan and Jinxy run off camera, giggling and wielding scissors triumphantly***_

-

_Are you really, really short? Does your backside always ache? Does SchmEthan tower over you a lot?_

_Then stand up, you lazy curtain._

_-_

SchmEthan: AND WE'RE BACK! ***Rolls eyes***For GOD'S SAKE Jinxy! HEEL!

Jinxy: ***Snarl***

Owen: I'M UNDEAD, SISTER! I COULD DO THIS AAAALLLL DAY!

Jinxy: ***Melts into corner* **

Owen: HA!

Jinxy: ***Whispers***You still wear luminous leg warmers.

Owen: ***Eye twitches***

SchmEthan: OK! I think it's time for ICE CREAM!

Jinxy: Yus…_ICE CREAM! _***Disappears***

Owen: Is she gone?!

SchmEthan: …Yes…

Owen: ***Opens mouth to deliver nasty things about Jinxy***

Jinxy: DON'T THIINNKKK I CAN'T HEEEAAARRR YOOUUU!

Owen: You said she was _gone_!

SchmEthan: ***Shrug*** You didn't ask if she could _hear _you.

***Jinxy appears, wrapped in a taco***

SchmEthan: Jinxy…

Jinxy: ALRIGHT! I'LL GO CHANGE! ***Disappears again***

***Jinxy reappears in ice cream outfit in ice cream van***

Owen: …You have an ice cream van…in the _middle _of some _dingy_ cave?!

SchmEthan: ***Suddenly scared***You're not from Health and Safety, are you?!

Owen: …No.

SchmEthan: GOOD! Coz' Jinxy had to eat the last guy who tried to close our ice cream van down.

Jinxy: ***Hungry look in Owen's direction***

Owen: Riiiggghhttt…what do you flavours do you have?

SchmEthan: Nothing-wrong-with-this-one…

Jinxy: Go-on-try-this-one…

SchmEthan: And well-I-know-I'd-think-twice.

Owen…Nothing-wrong-with-this-one.

Jinxy: ***Ahem***

Owen: _PLEASE. _

Jinxy: Thank _you_. *Brings up green ice cream*

Owen: Why is she polite all of a sudden?

SchmEthan: Just eat your ice cream.

Owen: ***Licks ice cream* **

Jinxy: ***Evil cackle***

Owen: … ***Turns an interesting shade of lamppost***

SchmEthan: WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK AFTER THESE MESSAGES!

-

_Cheesy guy: Is there something missing from your window? _

_SchmEthan: I know there's something missing from mine. __***Glares at Jinxy, who is munching on something in corner***_

_Cheesy guy: Then you might need a WINDOW SILL! _

_Jinxy: SchmEthan's tastes GREAT! _

_SchmEthan: GIMME BACK MY WINDOWSILL!_

_Cheesy guy: And you can have a windowsill for only twelve snowmen! THAT'S RIGHT! TWELVE SNOWMEN!_

_SchmEthan: Give it back!_

_Jinxy: __***Burp***__…_

_SchmEthan: You owe me a windowsill._

_-_

Cheesy guy: And we're BACK!

***Crickets***

Jinxy: Where's the ham?

SchmEthan: Right here.

Jinxy: Groovy.

***Both munch on ham from top of staircase as Owen changes from a guitar hero console to an orange before running around the room yelling the Scout law and falling over repeatedly***

Owen: GAAAAHHHH!

Jinxy: I think it's time for the room, don't you?

SchmEthan: Probably. DUCKS!

***Ducks open door and throw Owen inside, who is now Jinxy's door key***

SchmEthan: EXCELLENT!

Jinxy: TUNE IN NEXT TIME FOR TOSH!

SchmEthan: Tosh_iko_.

Jinxy: You gonna' FIGHT ME?!

SchmEthan: YOU BET I AM!

Jinxy... ***Radiator appears* *Leaps***YYAAAAAA!!!

SchmEthan: ***Girly squeal and willingly runs into corner* **Ow.

**TUNE IN NEXT TIME FOR TOSHIKO! And after that...its the one...its the only...well, you'll have to wait. Evil little bugger, aren't I? ^^**


	6. Of Tosh and An Unfortunate Accident

**Why hello thar. This be a Hub Show update. SCARY OR WHAT?! Now - this interview is RIDDLED with spoilers for CoE...so if you haven't seen it...move along. Nothing to see here. **

***SchmEthan walks out of corner in a black suit***

SchmEthan (***solemnly***): Solemnly hello. And welcome to the special solemn edition of The Hub Show.

***Very solemn tune thing***

SchmEthan: Yes. We have decided, for reasons of solemnity, to restrain Jinxy for this episode, as we fear that she will-

***Jinxy bursts forth from portaloo in a rubber ring and an umbrella***

SchmEthan: ... ruin the solemnity... OK, one: why did you burst forth in a rubber ring, when we're grieving, two: why do you have an umbrella; we're in a cave; and three: ***holds up credit card bill* **why did you purchase a portaloo from _.ham/bookshelf _specifically to burst forth from it during the show?

Jinxy: Cause rubber rings have feelings too! And the umbrella was jealous of the rubber ring, so I HAD to bring it along and don't worry, I've put the portaloo on expenses. ***joke drum thing happens***

***SchmEthan stares blankly at Jinxy before looking towards the audience* **For those who are not avid watchers of Have I Got News For you, and/or are from outside Britain, and/or are thick, lots of our members of parliament-

***Jinxy whacks SchmEthan with a dishwasher***

SchmEthan: Thank you. Now, you may be wondering why one half of us is being very solemn. It is of course, because of the death of a very famous and loved man since our last update. He inspired many generations of people and he will never be forgotten.

Jinxy: Yes... R.I.P., Michael Jackson... ***cries***

SchmEthan: No, Jinxy! Much more important!

Jinxy: GHASP! You don't mean...

SchmEthan: Yes... Ianto Jones.

***Coffin falls from the ceiling as SchmEthan, Jinxy and entire audience bow heads as the birdie song plays***

SchmEthan: Ahem.

***As No One But You (Only The Good Die Young) by Queen plays***

Some really, really idiotic, insensitive, audience member: I haven't seen Children of Earth yet, so-

***Entire audience GHASP!***

SchmEthan: Now, I'll be fair. If you could please leave immediately, then there-

Jinxy: What he means to say is, ***Grows to 34 times normal size* **GET THE HELL OUT OF THIS CAVE BEFORE I HAVE TO USE MY LAMPSHADE!!! ***Threatens with lampshade***

***Audience member falls over***

Jinxy: Good enough. Shall we take a look back at some of Ianto's best bits on this show?

SchmEthan: I believe we shall, Jinxy, I believe we shall...

--

_Ianto: Where am I? Where is the coffee machine?_

_-_

_SchmEthan: MY TURN! If I had one chocolate bar, and nineteen llamas, what type of coat hanger do I have?_

_Ianto: Super ultra maximus sling factor._

_SchmEthan: He's good._

_-_

_Charlotte: MOVING ON! What did you dream about last?_

_Ianto: I can't say… __***Suggestive grin***_

_Jinxy: __***Foams at the mouth***__WHERE IS MA RADIATOR?!_

_SchmEthan: __***Grin***__Someone give Jinxy her radiator._

_Charlotte: Why? What happens now?_

_***Radiator is thrown at Jinxy* *Audience begin to clap insane forced beat***_

_SchmEthan: Just follow me… __***Grabs Charlotte and heads up staircase***_

_Jinxy: __***Begins to advance with scary look***_

_Ianto: Look…I don't want any trouble…_

_Jinxy: IIINNN TTTHHEEE NAAAMMMEE OOFFF GWWEEENNNN… AGAIN! __***Attacks Ianto***__WHY-ARE-YOU-KEEPING-JACK-ALL-FOR-YOUR-SELF!_

_Ianto: OW OW OOOOW!_

_SchmEthan:__** *Shouts over radiator bangs* **__Jinxy is in NO WAY homophobic… she just likes Gwen better than Ianto!_

_Jinxy: BANG BANG BANG!_

_Ianto: OW! STOP PLEASE!_

_SchmEthan: Right, can we get security?!_

_***Jinxy is dragged away by origami duck army***_

_Jinxy: NO ONE MOOUUUUURRRNNNS THE WIICCKKKEEEDD!! __***Is thrown back into corner, hugging radiator and muttering random Wicked lyrics* **_

--

Jinxy: WHY DID I HAVE TO BEAT HIM WITH A RADIATOR?!?!?! WHY?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

SchmEthan: We'll never know, Jinxy, we'll never know... And now, a minute's silence to remember this great man...

...

...

...

...

...

***Reader skips down to this line before the minute is up***

SchmEthan: What did I just say? Honestly! Some people.

Jinxy:...Shall we bury him?

SchmEthan:...

Jinxy:...

SchmEthan and Jinxy: NA!

***Both pick up coffin and hurl it into the room***

SchmEthan: Too much solemnity! ***Shoots self with YAY gun, causing the black suit to be replaced with a casual jacket, blue shirt and jeans***

SchmEthan: YAY!

***Shoots Jinxy, causing her rubber ring to be replaced with a rubber ring***

Jinxy: YAY!

***Shoots audience, causing them to fall over***

Audience: Forcible YAY!

SchmEthan: OKAYS!!! ON WITH THY SHOW!!

Jinxy: PLEASE WELCOMES THE ONE, THE ONLY, THE VERY DEAD INDEED... TOSH SATO!!!

SchmEthan: TOSH_IKO_!!!

Jinxy: Whatever...

***Tosh**_**iko **_**enters, looking rather bemused***

Tosh_iko_: Wasn't I dead just there now?

Jinxy: ***runs away***

SchmEthan: ***grabs Jinxy by the rubber ring***

Jinxy: Eep.

SchmEthan: Care to explain why Owen and Tosh_iko_ have mysteriously returned from the dead?

Jinxy: Walnuts?

Tosh_iko_: OOOHHHH!! That's OK then.

***SchmEthan looks between Jinxy and Tosh**_**iko**_** confusedly***

SchmEthan: Riiiiiiiight... ANYWAY, would it please you to sit down on this rather inconveniently placed eggshell?

Tosh_iko_: ***Looks around the cave until she spies the eggshell 500 metres away* **No, it wouldn't please me at all.

Jinxy: Tough. ***Herds Tosh**_**iko**_** towards the eggshell***

**...**

Voiceover person: One second later...

***Jinxy still herding Tosh**_**iko**_** toeggshell***

Voiceover person: Sigh.

SchmEthan: I hear you, man. You know what? Let's cut to ads and HOPEFULLY, they'll be finished by the end.

-

_Are you tired of being terrible at everything? Do you really wish you could achieve something in life? Does you're name have a vowel in it?  
Then take off that Postman Pat outfit and get a job, you moron!_

_Warning: getting a job may induce repetitive strain injury and a growing desire to have a coffee every three seconds. Does not work if you are actually a postman._

_-_

_This isn't just a cave; it's a dark, dank, smelly, rotting, lifeless cave with dead things in it._

_This isn't just a set of stairs; it's a completely and utterly pointless, useless, dangerous set of stairs that leads absolutely nowhere._

_This isn't just a corner; it's a laws-of-common-sense defying, recurring, really, really stupid corner that Jinxy likes._

_This isn't just the Hub Show; this is the M&S Hub Show._

_M&S (Mud and Scissors) are proud to sponsor the Hub Show._

_-_

Cheesy guy: AND WE'RE BACK!

SchmEthan: ***Checks to see if Jinxy has finished herding***

_499.99999999999999997 metres away..._

Jinxy: Huff puff... out...of...breath...

Tosh_iko_: What a shame. ***Folds arms and stands above eggshell***

_499.99999999999999997 metres back..._

SchmEthan: I'm sure they're over there!

Voiceover guy: Why don't you go see then?

SchmEthan: But she's 500 metres away!!

Voiceover guy: Take this then! ***Throws a cushion to Ethan***

SchmEthan: A cushion?

Voiceover guy: A MAAAAAAAGIC cushion!

SchmEthan: I see... So how does it- ***Flies 500 metres that way ********* **-work?

Jinxy (hyperventilating): What?

SchmEthan: Yes! ***Discards cushion* **NOW SIT DOWNS!!

Tosh_iko_: Fine. ***Sits down on eggshell* **Can I not sit on that cushion?

***Cushion flies away***

Tosh_iko_: Oh.

SchmEthan: QUESTION ONE!! There is a fireplace in my boiler suit. It runs off baked beans. It can burn 100 tins of baked beans to produce several billion calendars. If the calanders are all signed by the Face of Boe, what is the meaning of life?

Tosh_iko_: Scientifically, there is no meaning to- ***is interrupted by a flying copy of A Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy***

SchmEthan: WRONGG! It's bacon butties!! QUESTION TWO!!! When Jinxy is not a Jinxy, she is a ______.

Tosh_iko_: What's an underscoreunderscoreunderscoreunderscoreunderscoreunderscore?

SchmEthan: Oh dear Lord. ***Slaps hand to forehead***

Jinxy: MI TURNS!! If the Rift was to leak cabbages and I ate them all, what would happen to me?

Tosh_iko_: Well, normally, your heart would slow down, killing you. But I don't think that applies in this case...

***Origami ducks wheel over a heart rate checker***

SchmEthan: 9001 bpm and healthy as our dog!

***Everyone looks over to see a dog skeleton***

SchmEthan: Mehh. ANYWAY, enough with the seriousness!! What's it like being dead?

Tosh_iko_: Well, since I actually had no memory of it until I was brought in here, it's pretty good actually!

Jinxy: What about writing things in your own blood?

Tosh_iko_: That was quite sore, if I'm honest.

SchmEthan: And... uh...

Tosh_iko_: Yes?

***SchmEthan whispers to Jinxy* **Can you think of anything else to ask her?

Jinxy: ...grapes...door handle...tennis court...Black Beauty...fish

SchmEthan: So that's a no then?

Jinxy: Pretty much.

SchmEthan: On that bombshell, it's time for some ice creams! YAY! Put that YAY gun down, Tosh_iko_!

Tosh_iko_: Sorry, it's just fascinating! Where did you get it?

SchmEthan: I... ur... um... nicked it from Torchwood Tower before it collapsed. It belonged to some YAY-liens.

Tosh_iko_: Interesting...

SchmEthan: ANYWAY, ***snaps fingers* **ice cream van if you please, Jinxy!

***Jinxy wallows off to get the ice cream van***

Tosh_iko_ (quietly): She's really freaks me out...

Jinxy: I CAN STILL HEAR YOU!!!!!!!

Tosh_iko_: I SAID, SHE REALLY FREAKS ME OUT!

SchmEthan: ***runs up the stairs screaming like a little girl***

Jinxy: ***runs over Tosh**_**iko **_**in the ice cream van***

***Tosh**_**iko **_**gets up* **I'm dead, remember?

Jinxy: Oh. ***pops up in some loft insulation***

SchmEthan: ***Descends stairs* **Ice cream person outfit?

Jinxy: Snarrrrrl. ***Ice-cream-outfit-ifies herself***

SchmEthan: BRILLIANT! Now we have a wide selection of flavours, including Jack's arm...

Jinxy:... Gwen's knees...

SchmEthan:... and Owen's Claire's Accessories receipts.

Tosh_iko_: Um... I'll have Jack's arm, I think...

Jinxy: ***hands a golden-green ice cream to Tosh**_**iko**_*** **Here you go, you dead person, you!

***Tosh**_**iko **_**licks ice cream* **It's rather nice, actually!

SchmEthan:... really?

Tosh_iko_: Yeah! It's like... ***dies***

SchmEthan:...

Jinxy:...

SchmEthan...

Jinxy:...

SchmEthan: ***into concealed microphone* **_CODE PLUGHOLE! CODE PLUGHOLE!!_

***Footage cuts to Jack's ice-cream sequence with Tosh**_**iko**_**'s face stuck on***

SchmEthan (off camera): Do you think they'll buy it?

Jinxy: ***Looks at previous 9 lines* **Probly not, dude.

SchmEthan: Shall we just put her in the room?

Jinxy: Kays.

***SchmEthan and Jinxy prepare to throw corpse.. I mean Tosh**_**iko **_**into the room while footage cuts back to cave***

SchmEthan: Crap.

Jinxy: Indeed.

***SchmEthan and Jinxy finish job***

SchmEthan: Well, I'm afraid that's all we have time for today!!

Jinxy: Yep! It sure was a pleasure having Tosh with us today!

SchmEthan: TOSH_IKO_!!!

Jinxy: WHY DO YOU INSIST ON CALLING HER TOSHIKO?!?!

SchmEthan: ...Cause I'm getting a bonus for every time I use the letters I, K, O, and &.

Jinxy: ***Twitch* **Where's. Mah. Radiator.

SchmEthan: Well,seeyounexttimewhenwe'llbeinterviewingsomeonebutmymind'sblankedatthemomentsoyou'llfindoutnexttimeBYE!! ***Runs away very swiftly indeed***

Jinxy: COME BACK HERE, BONUS BOY!! ***madly flails radiator***

**REVIEW! ^^**


	7. Of the NotQuiteDoc and FRENCH FLOOZIES

***SchmEthan runs out of tunnel looking quite scared***SchmEthan: GIMME A RADIATOR!

***Radiator is thrown***Audience: Why do you forcibly need a forcible radiator?

SchmEthan: Well…I remembered this week's guest…and Jinxy nearly had a heart attack…and before I knew it…she was on the phone to all her friends…telling them that some bloke called David Tennant would be here…and…and… ***Breaks down*** SO MANY FAN GIRLS! THEY'VE ALL GOT NETS AND… ***Wails*  
**  
***Ducks whack SchmEthan around the head*  
**  
SchmEthan...Well…yes…right. ***Manly cough*** I need to protect this week's victim from the wrath of the fan girls… ***Shudders*** They're lethal beings…

Voice over guy: We've got high giggle readings on the ROFLER scale… They've spotted him!

SchmEthan: ***Very bad sweary word***Doctor?: This cave is…rather secluded, isn't it?

*A guy who appears to be the Doctor leisurely strolls in*

SchmEthan: DUCK! ***Shoots boomerang that has been thrown from the ceiling out of the cave with radiator*  
**  
Doctor?: Where'd that come from?!

SchmEthan: The Fan Girls!

Doctor?: The what, sorry?

SchmEthan: THE FAN GIRLS!

***Looks sharply towards corner which has started to giggle*  
**  
SchmEthan: RUN, DOC! RUN WHILE YOU STILL BLOODY CAN!

Doctor?: I can't leave you to fight these…Fan Girls…by yourself!

***Something mutters in corner* *SchmEthan waves radiator*  
**  
SchmEthan: BACK, FOUL BEASTS!

***Jinxy appears from shadows, followed by a good handful of her girl's school. All carry nets and handcuffs***Doctor?: Now…I'm sure we can settle this…reasonably…

Jinxy: ***Quite calmly* **Get him.

***Fan girls scream and pelt out of tunnel* *SchmEthan screams like a small girl and runs up staircase* *Doctor? is attacked*  
**Jinxy: Hold him down. ***Checks nails idly as fan girls scream in response and hold Doctor? down***Doctor?: What the...! GERROFF ME!

Jinxy: ***Drops nail file*** WHAT THE…?! LEMME' THROUGH!

***Fan girls part so Jinxy can stand over him***Jinxy: HE'S ONLY GOT ONE BLOODY HEART!

***Fan girls pull out bricks with angry hisses*  
**  
Jinxy: Ah well. He still looks like David…

10.5: Who on EARTH'S David?!

Jinxy: Never you mind. Kiarra-Chan?

***Kiarra-Chan appears from tunnel***

Kiarra-Chan: Ready?

Jinxy: Ready.

***They pounce* *Fan girls cream and join in* *Sound of ripping fabric***

SchmEthan: OH GOD! MY EYES! GO TO COMMERCIALS!

_-_

_HI! I'M STEVE "STEVEY" MCSTEVESTEVE! IS YOUR HOUSE DIRTY? DO YOU HAVE NO HANDS TO CLEAN IT? WELL THEN YOU NEED TO-_

_***Steve is whacked across the face with a giant bottle of Mr. Muscle***_

_SchmEthan: STOP SHOUTING!!!_

_-_

_Dark. Secluded. Dirty. Cursed. No, not Jinxy's bedroom, the Cave. Visit today! (Free ice-cream to all entrants)_

_-_

Voice over guy: AND WE'RE BACK!

10.5: RUN SCHMETHAN! RUN WHILE YOU STILL CAN! ***Screams as Fan Girls rip his shirt off* **DON'T. TOUCH. ME. THERE!

***SchmEthan rocks back and forth on stairs***

SchmEthan: One potato, two potato, three potato, FOUR!

***Radiator is forcibly thrown from audience* *SchmEthan screams as he falls from staircase***

Audience: FORCIBLY GET ON WITH IT, YOU FORCIBLE COWARD!

SchmEthan: I CAN'T DO IT! THEY'RE SO SCARY!

***10.5 screams again as his trousers go flying across cave***

SchmEthan: YOU SEE?!

Audience: IT'S YOUR FORCIBLE DUTY TO FORCIBLY SAVE THE FORCIBLE CLONE!

SchmEthan: WOULD YOU MISS HIM?!

***Crickets***

SchmEthan: HONESTLY?! WOULD YOU MISS HIM?!

Audience: YOU MUST FORCIBLY THINK OF FORCIBLE!

SchmEthan:...

Audience: WE FORCIBLY MEAN ROSE!

SchmEthan: ***Drools kittens* **Rose...

Audience: …Don't forcibly drool. That's just forcibly weird.

SchmEthan: FOR ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOSE!

***Charges into fan girl crowd* *They scream and run away to reveal Jinxy and Kiarra-Chan, who look like they're about pour HP sauce into 10.5's right ear***

10.5: RUN ETHAN! RUN!

SchmEthan: Leave…him…alone!

Jinxy: ***Sighs* **Go away Ethan.

Kiarra-Chan: We be busy.

SchmEthan: If you don't let him go, I'll withhold the ham.

Jinxy: YOU CAN'T DO THAT!

SchmEthan: And I'll take away all your corners…

Jinxy: ***Sobs* **NOOOOO!

SchmEthan: ***Unfolds very long list from pocket* **And your socks, pillows, coffee mugs, recorded episodes of Doctor Who and Torchwood, toilet plungers and radiators.

Jinxy: GHASP! Mah radiators!

SchmEthan: Yes. ***Super dramatic close up deep voice slow-mo* **Your radiators.

Jinxy: ***Runs away sobbing into corner* **I will not touch…I WILL NOT TOUCH!

Kiarra-Chan: Come back _here_, you coward!

SchmEthan: I must warn you that if you do not leave now, things are going to get rough. And oniony.

Kiarra-Chan: ***Hisses and departs into The-Wrong-End-Of-The-Stick-Forest* **I'LL BE BACK, TENNANT! I'LL BE BACK!

10.5: WHO'S TENNANT?!

SchmEthan: ***Covers eyes* **Go get your trousers.

Voice guy: While 10.5 retrieves his clothes, here's a word from our sponsors!

-

_Toaster. What? He said a WORD from our sponsors! __***Joke drum thing happens***_

_***SchmEthan and Jinxy lift drum kit and smash it over the sponsors head***_

_-_

Voiceover Guy: And we're back!

SchmEthan: Yes we are, my beautiful sailing boats! Here today, we have 10.5!

10.5: Hello!

***Female members of audience forcibly scream and their hair sets alight***

10.5: Your friend's looking at me funny.

***Jinxy stares at 10.5 from corner:***

Jinxy: Tennant…

10.5: Who _is _this bloke?

SchmEthan: David Tennant?

***Jinxy squeals and dies in corner***

SchmEthan: …No idea. Anyway, question one!

10.5: I didn't know this was going to be a test. I would've bought paper. ***Grin***

SchmEthan: … If I had nine Hoovers in Mother Hubbard's cupboard, how many strawberry puppies would there be?

10.5: Ooooh…sixty three?

SchmEthan: COOORRR-ECT! If there were twenty TARDISes in my kitchen drawer, then WHY DID YOU GROW OUT OF A HAND?!

10.5: Because Donna … how do you know about that?!

SchmEthan: NUNYA' BUSINESS! ***Turns off BBC* **

Jinxy: I HAVE A QUESTION!

SchmEthan: … I dread to think what it is…

Jinxy: CAN I HAVE YOUR BABIES?!

10.5: WHAT?!

SchmEthan: … ***Face palm***

10.5: What kind of a question is _that_?!

Jinxy: AN OBSESSED FAN GIRL QUESTION! ***Happy grin***

SchmEthan: ***Into ear piece* **Get the sedative. Extra strong. Put ham in it.

Jinxy: YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!

SchmEthan: OK. David Tennant.

Jinxy: ***Squeals and dies while being dragged off by ducks***

SchmEthan: RIGHT! If you're not _too _emotionally scarred, it's time for the completely pointless questions! First of all – Are you jealous of the Real Doc?

10.5: I don't like to talk about it. ***Huff***

SchmEthan: OK! Moving –

10.5: He dumped me on a stupid beach somewhere because I killed a lot of Daleks. No one even likes them, for Chrissakes!

SchmEthan: OK…are you done?

10.5: YES. ***Harrumph***

SchmEthan: …OK! Question two - ***Smutty look* **What was it like kissing Rose?

10.5: Well, it was… ***Notices presence of smut* **I'm not telling you.

SchmEthan: ***Pout* **FINE! Question three – Will you get naked…OK, who let Jinxy onto these questions?!

***Evil cackling backstage***

SchmEthan: YOU NICKED THE BLUE SUIT! WE LOVE THE BLUE SUIT! GIVE IT BACK!

10.5: NO! Tis' MINE!

Jinxy: ***Appears from nowhere*** I liked you better when you were in your BIRTHDAY SUIT! ***Chants under breath* **Hinthinthinthinthint...

SchmEthan: Where'd you come from?! DUCKS!

***Nothing* **

SchmEthan: ...DUCKS!

***Jinxy burps up paper* **

SchmEthan: ... ***Points outside of cave* **LOOK! RIENETTE'S ON YOUR SCREEN IN YOUR NEW FAVOURITE VAMPIRE SHOW!

Jinxy: ***Snarls* **GET OFF MY SCREEN, BITCH! ***Runs out of cave on all fours, baying for French blood***

10.5: ... Rienette isn't a vamp.

SchmEthan: I knows. Jinxy just hates French floozies and loves the vampires.

10.5: I see.

SchmEthan: Well that's about it!

10.5: THANK GOD!

SchmEthan: Well, we would like to offer you –

***Screams as purple smoke billows out in cave***

SchmEthan: What the…?!

10.5: GET OFF OF ME! HEEELLLPPP!

***Smoke clears to reveal innocent looking Jinxy* *10.5 has disappeared***

SchmEthan: OK, give him back.

Jinxy: ***Innocence* **Who, Ethan?

SchmEthan: 10.5.

Jinxy: …Nope. Don't know who you're talking about.

SchmEthan: ***Sigh* **Did you send him to the fan girls?

Jinxy: … Suffice it to say that you'll never see him again.

SchmEthan: YOU HATSTAND!! YOU- Wait a second... that means Rose is all mine... MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAMM!!

Jinxy: Oh noes... Guess who next time's guest is...

SchmEthan: ***explodes violently with joy***

Jinxy: ***sad facingly*** Tune in next time...


	8. Of WeepingAngel Baiting and FANBOYS

***Jinxy and SchmEthan stare at a plate with cheese in the middle of the cave***

Audience: What's going -

Jinxy: SHHH!

***Silence***

***Continued cheese watching***

***WeepingAngel flies in and attacks cheese***

SchmEthan: GRAB HER!

WeepingAngel: OH NOES! ***Is grabbed and thrown into corner***

SchmEthan: Go get the ice cream van.

Jinxy: With PLEASURE. ***Disappears***

WeepingAngel: What do YOU llamas want?!

SchmEthan: DON'T YOU GET HEW-HAWY WITH US! WHERE'S THE DOC?!

WeepingAngel: I don't know what you means! ***Shifty eyes***

SchmEthan: Don't tell us the lies! We KNOW you looked him up in the pages that are yellow and told him we were looking for him...AND NAOS HE'S GONE INTO HIDING!

WeepingAngel: I DID NUFFIN! ***Eats own foot in distress* *Jinxy appears in ice cream van***

Jinxy: I think we'll start with Crack-Under-Immense-Pressure...

WeepingAngel: NOOOO! NOT THE ICE CREAMS!

SchmEthan: I believe that a DOUBLE SCOOP is in order...

WeepingAngel: AAAAARGH!!! NEVAR!!1 NEVAR WILL I EAT SUCH CREAMS THAT HAS BEEN ICED!!!1!!!one

Jinxy: OH YESH YOU WILLS!!!1!!11!!!eleven ***produces rather ominous looking machine from pocket***

SchmEthan: ***Adopts a cheesy voice that has more cheese in it than Jinxy's toes* **That's right! The Forcible-Ice-Cream-Feeder will solve all your forcible ice cream feeding needs! Simply load the ice cream into here... ***loads ice cream* **shove this tube down the victim's... ahem... ice creamee's gullet and push this button here!

***Crack-Under-Immense-Pressure ice cream is forcibly forced down WeepingAngel's throat***

Jinxy: So, how be you feeling NAO, WeepingAngel?

WeepingAngel: One feels simply marvellous, my dear Jinxy. That sweet treat was rather delicious, one must say.

SchmEthan: Eh? ***reads label on ice cream packet* **Warning: contains ice cream and shredded wood... yaddy yaddy... do not consume if you wish to live... if ingested, consult Rick Astley... Aha! ***points triumphantly at correct section on label* **Not suitable for people with a mental age under three. Effects include poshness, talking in the third person and reacting to the word 'bootchyfliff'-

***Upon hearing the word 'bootchyfliff', WeepingAngel regurgitates a drainpipe***

SchmEthan:... by regurgitating a drainpipe or various dentistry equipment

WeepingAngel: ***regurgitates a shiny teeth sticker***

SchmEthan: Sigh.

Jinxy: ENOUGH MEDICAL WARNINGS!! ***Trundles to B&Q to buy a spotlight which she shines on WeepingAngel* **Where is you hiding him??!?!

WeepingAngel: IN THE TARDIS!

SchmEthan: And WHERE is the TARDIS?

WeepingAngel: Over there. ***points over there***

Jinxy: No it aren't...

WeepingAngel: IN TWO WEEKS!!!

SchmEthan: GHASP!! Do you mean to tell me that you've hidden the Doctor in...

WeepingAngel: Yes. THE NEXT EPISODE!!! ***thunder and lightning happens* MUAHAHAHA!! MUAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!**

SchmEthan: Oh. Oh, right. Thanks.

WeepingAngel: **MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA- **hwot?

Jinxy: Well, that's fine, actually. We'll interview him then then.

WeepingAngel: ... WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THAT??!?!?!

SchmEthan: Because I'm writing all of this on a Thursday night loaded full with half a ton of Tic Tacs.

Jinxy:... really?

SchmEthan: Uhh... no... of course not... this is all real... yes... real... ***removes sweat from head with a super absorbent giraffe***

Jinxy: Oh... that's OK then. ANYWHOOOOOO, IT'S TIME FOR- wait, who are we interviewing then...

SchmEthan: We could always do WeepingAng-

***WeepingAngel hides behind a deodorant can***

SchmEthan: Hay... where'd she go?

Jinxy: No idea... Well, how about Rose?

SchmEthan: ...

Jinxy: Well? ... ***looks down to see that she is standing in Ethan's drool***

SchmEthan: Rooooooooossseeeee....

Jinxy: Sigh... I'll get a giraffe...

***Jinxy blarghifies off to get a giraffe. SchmEthan stops drooling.***

SchmEthan: Hehehehehehee.... my plan is working. Soon, my fanboys, soon...

Jinxy: Since there's no such thing as blarghifying, I've been here the whole time. And so, I heard every word.

SchmEthan: No you didn't.

Jinxy: No, you're right, I didn't. OK! Let's go get Rose!!

SchmEthan: She's in a parallel universe; how do we get her here?

Jinxy: Simple. ***breathes in dramatically***

Announcer dude: JINXY USED PARALLELUNIVERSEOPENER! IT'S SUPER EFFECTIVE!!!

SchmEthan: Hmm... ***checks Pokedex***

Pokedex: Jinxy, the random pokemon. Known for its fondness of ham and radiators, and the strong desire to serve ice creams to all, Jinxy will interview anything in its path. Known moves: HAMMMM!!! (makes ham happen), PARALLELUNIVERSEOPENER (opens parallel universes. Duh.), GROWTO34TIMESORIGINALSIZE (speaks for itself, I think) and TEARDAVIDTENNANT'SCLOTHESTOBITS.

SchmEthan: I see.

Pokedex: We will be right back after these Poke-messages!!!

Announcer dude: Hey, that's my line!

***Pokedex somehow punches announcer guy in the armpit***

**-**

***Silhouette of Jinxy appears***

**WHO'S THAT POKEMON?!?**

_-_

_Some things are made for each other. Chalk and cheese. Fire and ice. SchmEthan and Jinxy. _

_And now, all new milk and acid! Its unique reaction is sure to give you a head start in any sporting event! Except breathing... No, it'll definitely stop that... Hmm... oh dear... We really should have thought this through... umm..._

_-_

_FARIES!!!_

_Where?_

_IN ARGENTINA!!!_

_YAYY!!!!_

_Visit Argentina. Tomorrow. Cause today's a bank holiday._

_**-**_

**IT'S JINXY!**

**SchmEthan: JIGGLYPUFF! Uh... I mean JINXAY!!**

**-**

Pokedex: And we're back!

***announcer guy takes Pokedex's batteries out***

SchmEthan: Well, that was entertaining... Anyway, how you doing, Jinxy?

Jinxy: ***reaches hand into portal* **mmh... herr... squidge... AHA!!! Please welcome the very very blonde, ROSE TYLER!!!

***Male audience members and SchmEthan forcibly drool as Rose is yanked from a portal***

Rose: Hey! Wha' am I doin' 'ere then?

Jinxy: Before I tell you, could you speak in a normal voice plz?

Rose: Why?

Jinxy: Cause it's annoying to type all those apostrophes.

Rose: Oh. OK then. ANYWAY, where am I?

Jinxy: You're LIVE on THE HUB SHOW!!!

Rose: Oh dear Lord.

SchmEthan: (into concealed microphone) _Yep. OK. You guys stay there for now and wait for the magic word, kay?_

Jinxy: You do know that that concealed microphone is connected to the loudspeakers...

SchmEthan: Oh dear... Ah well, would it please you to sit on... on... ***accidently looks at Rose* **... my lap?

Rose: Kays. ***casually strolls towards SchmEthan's lap***

Jinxy: Oh, no-ny no-ny no-ny noes! ***grabs Rose by collar* **You be sitting on this pine tree today. ***points to pine tree***

Rose: But it's so... piney!

Jinxy: well, tough. SIT!

***Rose scarededly sits.* **

Jinxy: QUESTION ONE! If I stole a mallet from Chris Martin's pocket and used it to smash open that jam jar sitting there ***points to jam jar that is there***, then WHAT IS THE SQUARE ROOT OF INSANITY??!?!?!?!

Rose: 6.580293984895 recurring?

Jinxy: NEIN! ***pours jam over Rose*** It's an iPod touch! TWO! Complete the sequence: Banana, lawnmower, bear, yes, green, happily, squat, blank, blank

Rose: Trousers and watery.

Jinxy: CORRECT!!!

SchmEthan: I wants one! If you were to dump NearlyDoc, would-

Rose: Yes. Yes I would.

SchmEthan: YAYS! ***falls over***

Rose:...

Jinxy:...

Rose:...

Bruce Forsyth:...

Rose:...

***SchmEthan jumps up as the fanboys come storming in with various tools***

SchmEthan: You've had your fun with 10.5, now it's our turn! ***All walk menacingly towards Rose***

Jinxy: NOOOOOESSS!!! ***Throws herself in front of Rose***

SchmEthan: ***Throws ham into corner***

Jinxy: OOH! ***Chases hamm***

Rose: D-Doctor? DOCTOR?!

SchmEthan: He's not here till the next episode. ***evil grin* **and now you've got us to play with.

***Fanboys menacingly walk closer to Rose as she is cornered in a corner***

SchmEthan...

...

...

...

...

...

...

We wish to express the fact that you are very pretty indeed and that you have nice hair as well.

Rose and Jinxy: Wha?

SchmEthan: See, we fanboys are a lot nicer than you and your vicious fangirls.

Jinxy: S'not our fault he has a nice suit...and its an awfully _tight _suit...

Rose: ***Awkward cough*** So... I get to keep my clothes?

SchmEthan: Yes.

Rose: Oh, good.

***All fanboys disappear***

SchmEthan: Huhsicles?

Jinxy: Ah, plotholes. What wonderful ways to speed up storytelling.

SchmEthan: What, like this one?

***Ice cream van appears with Jinxy inside dressed as Joseph***

SchmEthan: Technicolor dreamcoat = bad. Ice cream outfit = good

Jinxy: Sigh. ***Pops up in correct outfit***

SchmEthan: RIIIIGHT! We has got-

Jinxy: Die-in-the-normal-world...

SchmEthan:...move-to-the-parallel-world...

Jinxy:...Or stay-with-the-Doctor-forever-by-making-both-Billie-Piper-and-David-Tennant-not-age-ever.

Rose:... stay-with-the-Doctor-forever-by-making-both-Billie-Piper-and-David-Tennant-not-age-ever?

Jinxy: Here you go

***Rose licks ice cream***

Jinxy: HA HA!! ***Peels off label that used to say stay-with-the-Doctor-forever-by-making-both-Billie-Piper-and-David-Tennant-not-age-ever that now says random-convulsions-on-a-stick***

Rose: Oh dear. ***Grows plenty of extra limbs***

Cheesey voice: We shalt be right back after a few more messages.

_-_

_Are you tired? Sleepy? Yawning? _

_Then go to bed. Simple. There's a reason for everything, you know. Except this. __***Violently throws up own pancreas***_

_-_

Cheesey voice: AND WE'RE BACK!!

Rose: ***Uses extra limbs to rip a hole in the cave and fill it with macaroni and other such pasta products. Turns a nice shade of plaster and passes driving test several times while holding a spinning top upside down***

SchmEthan: You know, I preferred her before she was convulsing.

Jinxy: Yeah, well, you can't have everything! Room time?

SchmEthan: Room time.

***SchmEthan and Jinxy (with some difficulty) throw convulsing Rose into the room of doom! (hee hee that rhymes!)***

SchmEthan: Well, just before we go, we would just like to congratulate EVERYONE who passed their GCSE's and A levels recently-

Audience: FORCIBLE ACKNOWLEDGEMENT YAYS!!

SchmEthan: For being very smelly indeed.

Audience: Forcible silence.

SchmEthan: I'm joking! And now, through the medium of radiators, I shall reveal Jinxy's results!

Jinxy: WOO!

SchmEthan: REVEAL THE RADIATORS!

***Two A* radiators, one B radiator, a lot of C radiators and some E radiators that don't actually matter***

Jinxy: I'm so happy! And now, through the medium of cheese, I SHALT REVEAL THE RESULTINGS OF SCHMETHAN!!!

***Churns four A* cheeses and six A cheeses***

Absolutely everyone in the world ever: GHASP!!!

SchmEthan: ... yes... ANYWAY!!! ***discards radiators and cheeses* **THAT BE THE END OF THE SHOW!!!! Join us next time for the main guest of the EVERNESS! THE DOCTORRRR!!!!!

***Everyone dies***

**Ya. SchmEthan felt quite random, so he channelled his randomness through the medium of the elephant into the next interview. XD Reviews!**


	9. Of TimeLords and Mr Hill

**OMG. IF YOU'VE FORGOTTEN, MY NAME'S JINXY/NICOLA/IfEaRnOfIsH AND HE'S ETHAN. HERE'S A NEW INTERVIEW FOR YOU ALL. **

***Thunder and lightning outside cave* *SchmEthan wanders in, dripping wet***

SchmEthan: I can't find Jinxy!

Audience: Forcible OH NOES! What happened?!

SchmEthan: Well, I caught her reading M-Rated fics, and I yelled at her coz' she wasn't over eighteen, and she shouted, "NIETHER ARE YOU, YOU GREAT PLUGHOLE!" and ran away to join her wild pokemon family! ***Sniff* **I wish I hadn't yelled at her… ***Breaks down* **WHO WILL EAT ALL THE HAM IN MY FRIDGE?! WHO WILL BE MY CO-HOST?! WHO WILL OPEN HOLES IN THE UNIVERSE SO I CAN SPY ON ROSE (secret lollings)?! WHO WILL -

***Suspicious whirring sounds***

SchmEthan: Huh?

***TARDIS materialises* *Doctor peers out***

Doctor: Are you Ethan?

SchmEthan: I don't see any other curly haired random Irishmen round here…so yeah. ***Sneezes, instantly vaporising any other curly haired random Irishmen with the name 'Ethan'***

Doctor: Does this belong to you? ***Sticks out leg* *Jinxy is attached***

Jinxy: I looovee yoouuu… ***Looks up adoringly***

SchmEthan: Jinxy!

Doctor: Yeah…I found it in that forest out there, sobbing in a tree and wishing that it "Hadn't called Ethan a plughole like that."…

Audience: Forcible AWWWW!

Doctor: But then it saw me and yelled, "SCREW ETHAN!" and…permanently attached itself to my leg.

SchmEthan: Well that's nice! ***Glares at Jinxy* **YOU WERE JUST WILD WHEN I FOUND YOU! I GAVE YOU HAM SANDWHICHES! YOU MADE MY POKEDEX PLAY RICK ASTLEY FOR A WEEK, AND I _STILL _MADE YOU CO-HOST! YOU –

Doctor: I don't care! Just get it off my leg! Oh, and another thing – why does this thing happen when I say, "David Tennant"? ***Yells in pain as Jinxy's grip on his leg increases several-fold* **

SchmEthan: Come back, Jinxy! I'll let you read all the smut you want!

***Jinxy looks at SchmEthan* *Huffs and buries face in leg* **

Jinxy: I'll only come back if I can have a free hug. ***Turns on big-eyes setting, and looks up at Doctor* **He makes me give him my ham for a hug! I don't want to give up my ham! ***Dramatic look at SchmEthan* **I get lots of free hugs on the TARDIS. We even met up with a Previous Captain Jack and he said he'd never done it with a Pokemon…***Bursts into tears* **I DON'T WANNA GO BACK!

Doctor: IT'S GETTING TEARS ON MY TROUSERS! MAKE IT STOP!

SchmEthan: No hams, no hug.

Doctor: GIVE. IT. A. HUG.

SchmEthan: WON'T!

***Harry Hill walks in***

SchmEthan and Jinxy: OMG! HARRY HILL!

Harry Hill: Yes! It's me, Harry Hill! And welcome, to TV – I mean…THE HUB SHOW!

SchmEthan: ***Fan Boy squee* *Throws self at Harry Hill's feet* **I AM NOT WORTHY! I AM NOT WORTHY!

Jinxy: ***Squees and does the same* **PLZ PLZ PLZ CAN WE POLISH YOUR HEAD?!

Harry Hill: Sure! Don't see why not!

SchmEthan and Jinxy: YEAH! ***Exchange a hi-five***

SchmEthan: I'll go get the sponges!

Jinxy: I'll go get the boot polish!

***Both run off in different directions* *Harry Hill gives Doctor smug look* *Doctor huffs***

Harry Hill: Hur hur. CHIPPY CHIPS!!1

Announcer guy: Stick around, Doc. You might get an interview. ***As Doctor huffs his way to the top of the staircase* **We'll be right back after these messages!

-

_***Hub Show police logo appears on screen* *Camera cuts to press conference***_

_Police Duck: We are currently searching for this Pokemon: __***Screen shows picture of Jinxy trying to eat the camera and the person behind it* **__Who went missing after a row with SchmEthan over the subject of M-Rated fics. __***Sighs over SchmEthan's wails* **__SchmEthan and Jinxy are the well known hosts of the Hub Show, and SchmEthan has this to say:_

_SchmEthan: COME HOME JINXY! I'LL LET YOU READ ALL THE SMUT YOU WANT! __***Runs up to camera* *Shakes it* **__JUST COME BACK! PLEASE JUST – _

_***Static* *Voiceover***_

_Jinxy has now been found and returned to the Hub Show, courtesy of the Doctor. EVERYBODY GO DISCO!_

-

Announcer Guy: And we're back!

Harry Hill: ***As Jinxy and SchmEthan polish his head with looks of utter joy on their faces* **Yes, it's me, Harry Hill! And welcome back to The Hub Show! On _Westbeginners_, Jinxy realises that life without David Tennant in Who _just _isn't worth it anymore!

_***Camera cuts to scene of Jinxy throwing herself off a large building* **_

_Jinxy: I REGRET NUFFIN! __***Ominous sounding splat***_

Audience: Forcible LAWLS.

Harry Hill: And on _Home and Just Next Door, _SchmEthan finds out the love of his life has been cheating on him…with his best friend!

_***Camera cuts to scene of SchmEthan shouting at his desk***_

_SchmEthan: I can't believe you would do this to me!_

_***Pencil and pen stare up at him innocently***_

Audience: Forcible LMAOS.

Harry Hill: And on _Doctor Who – _

Doctor: NO WAY AM I LETTING YOU MAKE FUN OF MY OWN SHOW! ***Does weird leap from staircase* *Jinxy and SchmEthan watch as Doctor throws Harry Hill from his chair and into the ROOM!***

Doctor: MY INETRVIEW NOW. ***Sits down on chair in a huff***

SchmEthan: …OK! Jinxy…Jinxy? ***Looks round to see Jinxy has disappeared* **Huh…that's like, ultra weird, dude. Yeah man. Wiiieeerrddd…

Doctor: …

SchmEthan: ANYWHO! Question UNO! If I had sixteen pine cones in my cow, and my cat gave birth in my tub, then HOW DO YOU GET YOUR HAIR LIKE THAT?!

Doctor: Time Lord Gel.

SchmEthan: COOO-RRECCT! Question Two – A QUESTION OF BATHCATS! CHOOSE – ROSE OR RENIETTE!

Doctor: …Reniette?

SchmEthan: …Aw. ***Throws the spanner away that he was going to whack the Doctor round the head with had he said something else***

SchmEthan: QUESTION TRESNIEN - ***Shudders and freezes* **We regret to inform you that the system has crashed. Therefore, YOU FAIL. Please reboot the system.

Doctor: …

Audience: Forcible …

Llama: …

***Something cackles from ceiling***

***Jinxy jumps down to stand next to SchmEthan* *Tips him over with a poke***

Doctor…What did you do…

***Jinxy waves the Sonic Screwdriver at him* **

Doctor: YOU NICKED MY SCREWDRIVER!

Jinxy: Yup. And now we're gonna' do this interview the proper way.

Doctor…Which is…

Jinxy: The Fan Girl way. ***Pulls several Pokeballs from pocket* **WILD POKEMON FAMILY – I CHOOSE YOU!

***Throws balls on ground* *Jinxy's wild Pokemon family appear* *They're all exact replicas of Jinxy***

Doctor: …

Jinxy: Ooh Kiarra-Chan…?

***Red eyes glow from corner* *Rope drops down* *Kiarra-Chan slides down it so she's upside down* *Asterix man gets bored of his job***

Jinxy: You ready?

Kiarra-Chan: Ready.

Jinxy and Kiarra-Chan: ATTACK!

Announcer dude: Oh… ***Winces as Doctor is lost in a sea of Jinxies and one Kiarra-Chan* **Oh dear. We'll be back in a mo.

-

_Have you some cheese to spare? No, you say?_

…

_Then sod off. _

_-_

Announcer Dude: And we're back!

Doctor: UNTIE ME RIGHT NOW!

***Jinxies and Kiarra-Chan surround a chair which has a Doctor tied to it* **

A Jinxy: Kiarra-Chan?

Kiarra-Chan: Do I get to go first?

A Jinxy: You certainly well do!

Kiarra-Chan: YAY! Question _one _… What _else _can the Sonic Screwdriver do?

Doctor: …NOW. UNTIE ME RIGHT. NOW.

A Jinxy: MY TURN!  
Another Jinxy: NO! _MY _TURN!

A whole load of Jinxies: NO! OUR TURN!

All the Jinxies: SHARRAP!

***Jinxy-battle to the death***

Kiarra-Chan: …***Sigh* **

Doctor: …Untie me now?

Kiarra-Chan: …No.

***Ground begins to rumble* *Jinxies stop strangling each other***

Jinxies: Huh?

***Kiarra-Chan sniffs air* *Recoils in horror***

Kiarra-Chan: FAN BOYS!

***Fan Boys pour into cave* **

Fan Boy: QUICK! REBOOT ETHAN!

Numerous Fan Boys: AYE AYE! ***Run over to the twitching SchmEthan***

Fan Boy: Riiigghhhttt… ***Waves spanner threateningly* **Are we gonna' let the Doctor go, then?

Kiarra-Chan: We shall fight to the death. ***Lightening crack* *Camera zooms up on her face* **THE VERY DEATH. ***Dramatic music***

Fan Boy: You mean… ***Camera zooms up on his face* **THE VERY VERY DEATH?! ***Dramatic music***

Kiarra-Chan: …No. I mean… ***Camera zooms up on her face* **THE VERY VERY VERY –

***A Jinxy swears as a Fan Boy drags her off the keyboard in the back* **

Fan Boy: COME ON! M'GETTIN' OLD HERE!

***Buzzing in the back* *SchmEthan springs up* **

Audience: Forcible HUZZAH.

SchmEthan: WAIT BROTHERS. ***Holds up a hand as Fan Boys go to attack* **I think someone needs to go back in her Pokeball… ***Pulls out Pokeball* **JINXY! RETURN!

***Red light shoots out* *Hits its target* **

Jinxy: OH ***Duck conveniently quacks over bad word***

***Fights the light as she is dragged through the crowd* *Digs claws in stone* **

Jinxy: M' NOT GOING IN THERE.

SchmEthan: I think you are.

Jinxy: ***Roars* **SOMEONE BLOODY HELP ME THEN.

Doctor/Kiarra-Chan/Fan Boys…Nah.

Jinxy: YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THE LAST OF ME! I WILL RETURN! ***Growls as she fights the light and looses* *Pokeball snaps shut***

***Total silence* **

All the Jinxies as one: WE SHALL AVENGE YOU SISTER!

Fan Boys: RAWR!

Jinxies: RAWR!

Kiarra-Chan: …***Sigh* *Pulls out wicked sword and holds it at Doctor's throat***

Doctor: OI!

***Everybody gasps and stares* **

Kiarra-Chan: This really doesn't need to happen, you know. I think I'll have Jinxy, please. ***Holds out hand expectantly while expertly holding the sword***

Doctor: Would you please just _bugger off_?!

SchmEthan: Grumble mumble… ***Reluctantly throws Pokeball over* *Kiarra-Chan catches it swiftly* **

Kiarra-Chan: Thank you very much.

SchmEthan: You're not very welcome at all. ***Glare***

Kiarra-Chan: ***Eyes narrow***

Doctor: …Look, I really need to be going. Not that this hasn't been fun or anything – it's been a blast… ***Awkward cough* **But there's probably some galaxy somewhere I need to save and that sword really is quite sharp… ***Watches it with a worried look* **

Kiarra-Chan: …Tch. ***Throws Pokeball* **Out you get, Jinxy.

***Jinxy appears from Pokeball, Xbox 360 controller in hand***

Jinxy: DIE, MUTANT ARMADILOS, DIE!! ***Notices everyone staring at her* **…Oh. Hi.

SchmEthan: ***Roars* **WHEN DID I SAY YOU COULD GET AN XBOX IN YOUR POKEBALL?!

Jinxy: YOU _DIDN'T_!

Everyone plus several uninvited flip flops: OOOOOOOH!

SchmEthan: THAT'S IT, JINXY! I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS! YOU GET YOUR ACT TOGETHER NOW, OR WE ARE _THROUGH_! NO MORE HUB SHOW, NO MORE WHO! NUFFIN'!

Jinxy… ***Sucks in breath* **…MEH.

SchmEthan: YOU _WHAT_?!

Jinxy: YOU HEARD ME. MEH. MEH MEH MEH MEH MEH BLOODY MEH!

SchmEthan: ***Stamps foot* **THAT'S IT. CONSIDER YOURSELF BANISHED. BOTH OF YOU. ***Glares at Kiarra-Chan***

Jinxy: Wha…what?!

Kiarra-Chan: Okidoke. See you later, then.

Jinxy: Buh…but you can't banish me!

***Kiarra-Chan's metal wire hits ceiling of cave* *She grabs back of chair* **

Kiarra-Chan: Are you coming or not?

Doctor…N-

Kiarra-Chan: I didn't ask you.

Doctor: This really isn't fair.

Kiarra-Chan: Journey's End wasn't fair. So zip it.

SchmEthan: Go on! Hop it!

Jinxy: …Bu…but I don't want to go…

***Kiarra-Chan taps foot impatiently***

Jinxy: But…but…but…I WANNA' ASK THE AUDIENCE.

SchmEthan: …***Facepalm***

***Cave lights go low* *Dramatic music* **

Kiarra-Chan: Oh for –

Announcer Dude: AUDIENCE! JINXY REQUIRES YOUR HELP! PRESS A IF YOU THINK JINXY SHOULD GO. PRESS B IF YOU THINK JINXY SHOULD STAY. PRESS C IF YOU THINK DUCKS RULE. AND PRESS D IF YOU'D LIKE A SANDWICH.

***Weird music as audience forcibly press buttons* **

Announcer dude: And the audience forcibly say…four…we want to go home… ***Awkward cough* **Well…what do we do now? Jinxy?

SchmEthan: ***Looks round* **JINXY.

***Jinxy pulls her head out of the fridge* **

Jinxy: Huh? Oh no, I'm staying. ***Helps herself to more ham***

Kiarra-Chan: Then that's settled. I'll see you in the lai-

Jinxy: ***Coughs quickly* **Lair? What lair? No I think you mean…youth organisation.

Kiarra-Chan: Oh yeah! Not the lair! The youth…place… ***Zooms up to ceiling muttering to herself* *Takes Doctor with her***

Kiarra-Chan: ***Over Doctor's screams of protest* **Question one…would you ever consider doing a strip tease?

***Disappears from sight***

Fan-Boy: Well…we'll see you down the pub, mate. ***Claps SchmEthan on the back and leads fellows out of cave* **

SchmEthan: …

Jinxy: SchmEthan?

SchmEthan: …_What. _

Jinxy: I just wanted to say…

SchmEthan: …

Jinxy: We really need some more ham. ***Turns back to fridge* **

SchmEthan: ***Slams head down on sudden-table* **We shall be back next time with one very special guest... ***Picks up Yellow Pages* **Hello, is this Co-host Counselling...?

**I URGE YOU ALL TO GO AND LISTEN TO OWL CITY'S FIREFLIES WHILE YOU WAIT FOR THE NEXT INTERVIEW! ITS BRILLIANT! NEXT INTERVIEW UP SOONER THAN THIS ONE!! XD**


	10. Of Donna and SPLOSIONS

**Afternoon all! *Brushes away cobwebs* So howzit' been guys?! FINALLY! WE'RE UPDATING. HOPE YOU GUYS ENJOY. :D**

***SchmEthan and Jinxy leave Co-host Counsellor's room after around three months of co-host counselling (So THAT was what was taking them so long **Cough**. O_o)***

Jinxy: I think that went rather well!

SchmEthan: I agree, up to the point where you forced the counsellor to do a stage dive onto some raging platypuses.

Jinxy: Well, she was gonna eat me!

SchmEthan: ... no, you said YOU would eat HER.

Jinxy: ... shhh you...

SchmEthan: Sigh. We'll we'd better get back to the cave-

***Is interrupted as SchmEthan and Jinxy both appear back at the cave***

Jinxy: MANY HUHs?!?!?!

SchmEthan: How did that happen?

***Doctor Moon appears***

Doctor Moon: And then, you PARTIED DOWN!

***Cave turns disco as everyone parties down. (Except the audience, who **_**forcibly **_**party down. Duh.)***

Voiceover guy: ENOUGH WITH THE DOWNWARD PARTYING!

***All partying in the general downward direction ceases***

Voiceover guy: Wow... I have authority...

***SchmEthan reaches up and removes authority from the voiceover guy***

SchmEthan: Want a snack, Jinxy?

Jinxy: ***Opens mouth to scream and possibly throw extension cables, when forcible counselling flashback happens***

--

_Counsellor: Now, the most important thing is to not scream, is that- __***static* *BBC test card appears***_

--

Jinxy: ***Screams and throws extension cables* ...eee... !!**

SchmEthan: Hmmm... ***Starts counting E's in that last word***

Jinxy: Excellent... now I can bring on the guest... Please welcome...... DONNA NOBLE!

***Donna enters through the revolving doors at the front of the building***

Donna: What the HELL'S going on here?

SchmEthan: Well, th-

Jinxy: DOCTOR TARDIS DAVROS DALEKS REALITY BOMB OOD SONTARANS PUFF THE MAGIC DRAGON!!!

Donna: ***splodes***

SchmEthan: Was there ANY need for that at all?

Jinxy: YES! I like splosions!!

SchmEthan: Sigh. ***Uses RTD's dismembered hand (yes, we stoled it) to rewrite the Journey's End script***

***Donna un-ceases to exist***

Donna: Well THAT was bloody fun!

SchmEthan: Of course it was. Now if you would be so kind as to eat this legally binding sandwich. ***Makes sandwich happen***

Donna: ***Peers at sandwich* **Is there tuna in it?

Jinxy: ***Burps a tuna-y smell***

Donna: ***Smells tuna-y smell***

SchmEthan: ***Hires new asterix man, as the other retires from boredom***

***Absolutely nothing happens in the cave for 5 minutes and 46 seconds***

SchmEthan: What is this all about?

Jinxy: I've no idea.

Donna: Will someone PLEAEAEAEAEAEAEAEAEASE pay attention to me!!!

SchmEthan: Gladly! Would you be so compliant as to sit on this oversized bananaboat?!

Donna: ***stares blankly at the bananaboat***

Bananaboat: ***stares back***

Donna: WHAT YOU LOOKIN' AT?!

SchmEthan: JUST SIT DOWN ALREADY!!! We've wasted 164 words on this!!

Donna: FINNEEE!!! ***humphingly sits down***

Bananaboat: The number you have dialled has not been recognised.

SchmEthan: Please ignore the remarkably calm sounding female voice.

Shirley Bassey: HELLUP! I'M TRAPPED INSIDE THIS BANANA BOAAT!!!!!!

Donna: Should I ignore the rather agitated, scareded, troubled, worried voice too?

SchmEthan: Please do.

Donna: Excellent.

SchmEthan: AND NOW- for the QUESTIONS!!

***Some tap shoes protrude from the corner, spraying anti-mosquito spray all over the noodles, making the Italian chefs very angry who subsequently start to warble, causing the Arc du Triumph to turn into a walnut***

SchmEthan: What are you talking about, new asterix man? That's just a load of completely random nonsense! We'll have NONE of that on this show. Am I right, Jinxy?

Jinxy: ***stops chewing on the wooden tablecloth and smashes a priceful Ming vase over a confused hamster, who turns into a stripy filing cabinet*. **Right you are, SchmEthan! No random nonsense at- ***is distracted by a flying tuba* **SHIIIINNNNYYYY!!!!! ***chases it***

SchmEthan: Point proven. Off you go!

***Asterix man runs away crying and is replaced by the old one again***

SchmEthan: What have you got for us then?

***Some tap shoes protrude from the corner, spraying anti-mosquito spray all over the noodles, making the Italian chefs very angry who subsequently start to warble, causing the Arc du Triumph to turn into a **_**bicycle**_*****

SchmEthan: MUUUUUCH better! NOW! ***turns to Donna, who's fallen asleep* *slaps Donna with a rubber guitar* **WAKEESS UUUPPP!!!!!!

Donna: I am awake...

SchmEthan: ***turns around to face the right direction* **Of course you are. NOW, question one: What do you get if you cross a book with a TV remote?

Donna: A bookremote?

SchmEthan: NO! ***elephant crushes Donna from above* **It's a DEODOURANT CAN!!! TWO, I have here five folders. Labeled two, seven, sofa, cheese-on-toast and eleventy hundred and forty-pi. Pick one, or WE SHALL LOCK YOUR GRANDAD IN A GLASS BOX THAT-

Jinxy: ***interrupts SchmEthan by directing his attention to a TV with THE END OF TIME written on it***

SchmEthan:... Ah... Well, just pick one, OK?

Donna: ERRRMMM.... ***browses* **I'll have number cheese-on-toast please...

SchmEthan: ***opens folder* **And the winner is..... JINXY'S MUM!!! Oh no, wait.... ***rearranges paper* **Donna Noble, you've won 37p!!!!

***fanfare tune and confetti and ribbons and small geese fall from the ceiling as the cave turns into Noel Edmunds's house***

Donna: I... ***sniff* **I don't know what to say!

SchmEthan: GOOD, then don't! = D

Donna: Equals D?

SchmEthan: Sigh. Some people just don't understand...

Jinxy: ANYWAY, time for some exceedingly pointless, and really vary useless (Don't know why we ask them TBH) questions! ***presses 'record' on the tape recorder and shines light in Donna's face* **DID YOU, or DID YOU NOT fancy the Doctor?

Donna: = O. HELLS no! HE was a bloody spaceman, wann'he?

Jinxy: Equals O?

Donna: Oh be quiet.

Jinxy: AAAAAANYWAY, what's your best memory of the Doctor?

Donna: The who now?

Jinxy: SchmEthan, did you make a plothole in this to avoid writing big long details about the Doctor?

SchmEthan: ***hides the huge spade that's used to make plotholes* **Nooooooooo...... ***looks innocent***

Jinxy: ***ponders over the matter while SchmEthan punches the man behind him holding up the sign saying 'Epic Lie'**

SchmEthan: Can we JUST get on with it, please?

Please: Of course we can! ***turns into Barney the Dinosaur***

Jinxy: OH NOOOESSS!!!

Donna: Can _I _ask me a question?

SchmEthan: ***looks at Donna, then Jinxy***

Jinxy: ***looks at Donna, then SchmEthan***

Barney the Dinosaur: ***falls over, for plot convenience***

Jinxy: ***removes the plot convenience wire than SchmEthan planted* **Go on then...

Donna: YAY! ***turns to face self* **WHO LIKES SHORT SHORTS?!?!?!

Donna: I LIKE SHORT SHORTS!!!!!1

Donna: YAY!!!!!!!!! ***turns back* **What now?

***Jinxy quadruple takes at Donna turning to face herself, while SchmEthan crosses out several laws of physics on the cave wall***

Announcement guy: Health and safety requires that we will take a short commercial break, due to excess amounts of randomness. We advise you to lock all doors, just in case a burglar comes in when you're all tripped out on epic randomness.

-

_***meerkat in dressing gown appears***_

_Alexandsr: We meerkats believe in prosperity and peace. Which are why we've decided to sponsor the Hub Show! Because Jinxy and SchmEthan are the most peaceful, prosperous-_

_Backstage meerkat: Uh, actually, you're thinking of Philip Schofield and Fearne Britten off This Morning..._

_Alexandsr: __***is enraged* **__!!!!!!!!_

_David Hasselhoff: APPLAUSE, APPLAUSE!!_

_Sanjay: No, that means clap._

_The Hoff: __***glare***_

_Sanjay: __***ceases to exist***_

_**-**_

Announcer guy: And we're back!

***Donna, Jinxy, SchmEthan and Eamonn Holmes have all donned sensible clothes and are sitting in rather stylish sofas nicked from DFS***

Eamonn: So, have you had a good show today, folks?

SchmEthan: Definitely! We-

Jinxy: GINGERBREAD CARROTS!!!!!!

Eamonn: ***melts***

***Entire set falls apart and dismembers itself into many different varieties of crayon***

SchmEthan: ***eye twitches***

Jinxy: ***exceedingly fails in looking un-guilty***

Donna: ***secretly gives asterix man a biscuit for working so hard***

SchmEthan: Well, it's not a secret now, IS IT?!?!?

Donna: Well, sue me.

SchmEthan: OK.

Announcer guy: Thirty six and twenty-three fiftieths of a second later...

Donna: Ha. ***starts counting many cheeses***

SchmEthan: MY POCKETS FEEL SO LIGHT!!!!! ***sobs***

Donna: Rage = P

Everyone: Equals P?

Donna: ***eye twitches***

SchmEthan: I needs my cheese back.... But HOW?! ***thinking face***

***lightbulb pops above SchmEthan's head.* **

SchmEthan:That's it!

***Lightbulb smashes over SchmEthans head* **

SchmEthan:Ow... Donnnnnnaaaaaa....

Announcer guy: He said cunningly...

SchmEthan: Shaddup.

Donna: ***stops de-pitting olives* **Yessum?

SchmEthan: Would you like to perhaps indulge in one of our SUPER DELUXE CREAMY FRESH I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S NOT BOB THE BUILDER ice creams?

Announcer guy: He asked knowin-

Announcer guy's vocal chords: ***are ripped out by SchmEthan***

Donna: YESSSS!!!! ***jumps for joy***

Joy: Thank you, that was a most excellent jump!

SchmEthan: JINXY, THE VANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

Jinxy: Sorry, we don't have a vannnnnnnnnnnnnnnn. I could get the van, if you wanted...

SchmEthan: -_-

Jinxy: Hyphen, undersc-

SchmEthan: ***inflates* **GET TEH VANNN!!!!!

Jinxy: Yessum... ***kerplinkies off to get the vannn***

Donna: I can't wait!

SchmEthan: Then don't!

Donna: ***doesn't***

***Funky theme tune plays***

Some random vocalists: Here comes JINXY IN BLACK!!

***Jinxy drives the ice cream van in with super-cool hydraulics and shades and a very cool hat***

SchmEthan: Jinxy...

Jinxy: Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaattttttttt?

SchmEthan: Ice cream person suit?

Jinxy: But it has Bovril in it!

SchmEthan: Since when did you care?

Jinxy: ***ponders* **Good point! ***instantly changes***

Audience: ***forcibly rub eyes in wonderment (and tiredness, as some have just woken up from an absurdly long period of doing nothing)***

SchmEthan: NOWWW!!!! We have BBC ***shows picture of David Tennant***

Jinxy: ITV ***shows picture of Harry Hill***

SchmEthan: Or Dave. ***shows picture of Jeremy Clarkson***

Donna: Dave. Definitely Dave.

Dave (from audience): YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-

SchmEthan: NOT YOUOUUUU!!!

Dave: I HATE YOU ALL!!!!!

SchmEthan: Excellent, here's a free University of Tesco membership!

Dave: ***flees***

Donna: ***becomes impatient and stealz ice cream* - *licks***

SchmEthan: ***rubs hands gleefully and gets ready to steal some cheeses***

Donna: ***gets a bit dizzy, then falls over and explodes with some yellow thing***

SchmEthan: ***disbelieved***

Jinxy: Well, that was weird.

SchmEthan: ...

Jinxy: ...

SchmEthan: ...

SchmEthan and Jinxy: Meh.

***SchmEthan steals cheese back and Jinxy throws Donna into the ROOMM!***

SchmEthan: Well, that's all the mind-melting we've got time for!! We'll see y'all sometime later!

Jinxy: What's that?

SchmEthan: ***stares at destroyed, materialised TARDIS* **What?

Jinxy: ***points to a lonely grape* **That.

SchmEthan: A lonely grape.

Jinxy: I see. Why's the TARDIS dead, btw?

SchmEthan: Dunno, but- ***person who is NOT the rightful Doctor steps from within* **GHAAAAAASSSSSSPPPPP!!!!

Jinxy: GHAAAAAASSSSSSPPPPP!!!!

Audience: Forcible GHAAAAAASSSSSSPPPPP!!!!

Matt Smith: GERONIMOOOO!!!!!!

Small animal: ***dies***

_To be continued...._

**GASPUPS! D: WHAT EVER WILL BECOME OF JINXY AND SCHMETHAN?! TUNE IN NEXT TIME!**


	11. Of The Eleventh Interview

***Ominous lightening cracks overhead***

Eleven: IT IS I, ELEVEN.

***Keyboard music***

SchmEthan: We've already had that, Asterix man.

*: … ***Ominous bagpipes***

SchmEthan: Now that's out of the way – OHMIGOSH IT'S ELEVEN.

Jinxy: ***Goes for his throat* **

SchmEthan: JINXY! HEEL! ***Drags thrashing Jinxy back***

Jinxy: LEMME' AT HIM, OR I'LL…I'LL…

Eleven: You'll dot dot dot at me? ***Smirk***

Jinxy: …Hush.

Eleven: ***Further smirks***

SchmEthan: All this smirking aside, why are you here?!

Eleven: Well, I've crash landed after turning into Matt Smith from David Vacant.

Jinxy and SchmEthan: …

Eleven: Or was it David Evicted… ***Corny drum sounds***

Jinxy: ***Goes for his throat again* **

SchmEthan: JINXY. Think of the mess it'll make! D:

Jinxy: ***Removes self from Eleven's throat and skulks in corner, muttering dark things about tenant related puns* **

SchmEthan: Well, while the Ducks repair your TARDIS and paint it 'Royal Sea' from B&Q, would you perhaps likes an interview?

Eleven: While the Ducks repair…my…***Looks around to see origami ducks already at work on the broken TARDIS***

SchmEthan: HOW CONVENIENT. ^^ Here, do sit on this polar bear, won't you?

***Polar bear is wheeled in* **

Polar Bear: You heard of this global warming? Terrible business, you know.

***Jinxy runs in, spraying several cans of deodorant, turns the lights on and leaves the room, and opens and closes the fridge door while giggling hysterically* **

Polar Bear: AW HELL NO. ***Chases after Jinxy, who hurls a radiator at its face* *Polar bear is knocked out* **

Jinxy: HEADSHOT. ULTRA KILL. ***Is distracted by a Twix wrapper hanging off a fishing hook by duck to keep her quiet* **…Mine… ***Paws at wrapper absently* **

Eleven: …Is this always –

SchmEthan: Like this? Yes. Every. Waking…_Minute_.

Eleven: …

SchmEthan: DORIS' SOCKS.

Eleven: Pardon?

SchmEthan: Do sit on this suitcase that is yet to be unpacked.

Eleven: ***Sits on suitcase, frowning* **

SchmEthan: ALRIGHTY! ^^ Question One –

Eleven: Er, as much as I would love to answer your sure-to-be riveting questions, my face does appear to be in the process of being eaten by your Pokemon chum.

SchmEthan: Wha – JINXY.

***Jinxy continues to eat eleven as a snake would snack on a gazelle or something* **

Jinxy: Nomnomnom.

SchmEthan: ***Face palm* **Could we get a duck in here please?! Before Eleven goes through Jinxy's entire digestive system, preferably?!

Eleven: Couldn't agree more.

Jinxy: Omnomnomnom.

Announcer Guy: The Hub Show will be right back, but now, a special offer for you fans!

-

_Announcer Guy: YOU THERE! YES, YOU, BEHIND THE COMPUTER SCREEN, READING THIS FIC RIGHT NOW?! WOULD – _

_***Announcer Guy is kidnapped by some crocodiles* *SchmEthan wonders into shot***_

_SchmEthan: By "reader", he means "watcher", obviously. __***Cough* **__Jinxy…_

_Jinxy: __***Finishes paying crocodile mafia for their services* *Bounds into shot* **_

_Yussum, we have a special thingy for you fans! Espeshully for you fans who draw things. Yuppum, indeed. _

_SchmEthan: Because The Hub Show is OPENING A FACEBOOK PAGE! _

_Jinxy: YAYS. _

_SchmEthan: YAYS. _

_Audience: FORCIBLE YAYS. _

_SchmEthan: __***Puts child lock on YAY gun and puts it out of Jinxy's reach* **__Yuup! Once you become a fan – _

_Jinxy: Mine's "Become a Loyal Crewmember", since I translated MY Facebook into Pirate. ^^_

_SchmEthan: …You'll be able to read exclusive updates, read never-seen-before extracts, post questions to ask the next victims – excuse me – interviewees, and, GET THIS…POST YOUR OWN FAN ART. _

_Jinxy: We'll be flicking through the fan entrees once a month, and whoever submits the best fan art will not only appear in an episode of the Hub Show, but will also have their entry as the display picture until the next winner is picked! AIN'T IT JUST SO AWESOME?!?!_

_SchmEthan: And we'll also be running two extra fics, EXCLUSIVE to the Facebook page illustrating just how Jinxy became half human and half pokemon – _

_Jinxy: And how SchmEthan got his Schm!_

_SchmEthan: So just search "The Hub Show" on your Facebooks, and look out for a certain Jinxy and a certain Ethan as admins – _

_Jinxy: AND BECOME A FAN, OR I'LL COME ROUND YOUR HOUSE AND DRINK ALL YOUR MILK. _

_SchmEthan: You'd better do as she says, y'know. _

_- _

Announcer Guy: After a horrific ordeal with a crocodile mafia and some ransom notes answered with "Can we just call it an IOU? Luff Jinxy and SchmEthan xxx", The Hub Show is BACK BABY.

***Jinxy finally regurgitates Eleven* **

Eleven: My word, that was interesting.

Jinxy: ***Coughs* **You dun't taste so good… ***Shudders***

Eleven: Oh, and I suppose that Ten tasted a lot better?!

Jinxy: Yus he did, actually. Like salted cushions. You taste like peppered socks. ***Noms on ham* *is distracted by the telly in the corner* **

SchmEthan: NOW MAY I ASK YOU QUESHTUNS?!

Eleven: Yuuup.

SchmEthan: KAYS. QUESTION ONE: Why is a raven like a writing desk?!

Eleven: Mainly because –

SchmEthan: WRONG. COZ IT'S A TOAD, SILLY. Question TWO: -

Jinxy: LOOOOL – LOOK – FISH –

SchmEthan: ***Gags Jinxy in time for spoiler* **

Eleven: Whut, "fishy custard?" Why would it matter to anyone?

SchmEthan: …Fair point. ***Removes gag* **

Jinxy: PRISONER –

SchmEthan: ***Wraps in Jinxy in Andrex toilet paper and hangs her from rafters***

Jinxy: ***Prepares to shoot lasers from eyeballs* *SchmEthan sends her spinning* **

Eleven: Yes, that's quite enough out of you.

ShcmEthan: QUESTION TREE –

Eleven: Two?

SchmEthan: No, tree.

Eleven: Oh, is that because you're Irish?

SchmEthan: No, its coz' I argued with two the other day. "OO I'M NOT A PRIME NUMBER." ¬ ¬

Eleven: Oh right... Eleven's a prime number too...

SchmEthan: ***ignores* **Jinxy, why am I REALLY saying "tree"?

Jinxy: Coz' my H key told me that my bum DID look big with my tail. I'm not talking to him.

Eleven: Oh how tragic. D:

SchmEthan: QUESTION TREE – WOZZIT YOU WHO DUNNIT?!

Eleven: YES IT WAS ME! I SHOULDN'T HAVE HYPNOTISED TEN INTO THINKING IT WAS TIME FOR A CHANGE. I'M SORRY, OKAY?!

SchmEthan: …Nooo, I was just asking if it was you who ate my grape. I was saving that for later, you know.

Eleven: …Oh right. In that case, I did eat your grape. And that leg of ham that was left out. Quite scrumptious, actually. Could use a little wood shavings though...

SchmEthan: …

Jinxy: …You did what?!

Eleven: Ate that bit of ham on the side…was I not supposed to? Were you saving it for a party?

SchmEthan: ***Backs away quietly* **

Jinxy: ***Melts toilet paper away* *Menacingly creeps towards Eleven* **YOU. DID. WHAT. TO. MY. HAM??!?!?!?!1//1!?!??!one?!?/!forwardslash

Eleven: Steady on there!

Jinxy: ***Smacks him over the head with a radiator* *Eleven is knocked out* **

SchmEthan: JINXY.

Jinxy: BUT MY HAM. D:

SchmEthan: GIT INTO THAT CORNER AND THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU'VE DONE. ***Snatches radiator out of Jinxy's hands* **

Jinxy: …

Announcer Guy and SchmEthan: Ohh dear.

Jinxy: **…JINXY USED GROWTO54TIMESSIZE.**

***Jinxy grows mahussive* *Ducks flee in panic* **

**Jinxy: GIMME BACK MA RADIATOR. **

SchmEthan: ***Legs it up teh stairs* **

**Jinxy: GIMME GIMME GIMME!!**

Announcer Guy: Oh jeez. We'll be back in a bit folks. OH GOD NO – DON'T USE ELEVEN'S BODY FOR _THAT_!!

-

_Eleven: All of time and space. Everything that ever was, ever will be. Where do you wanna start?_

_***camera pans to reveal Ten in a miniskirt lying beside Eleven***_

_Ten: Where _I _was the Doctor..._

_Eleven: You have no opinion, you're in a miniskirt._

_Ten: ... _

_Eleven: You want high heels, don't you?_

_Ten: ... __***nods***_

_Eleven: Just as I thought..._

-

Announcer Guy: And we're back! All in one piece! Thank goodness…

***Eleven is propped up in the corner looking worse for wear holding an ice pack on his head* *SchmEthan attempts to calm ducks while Jinxy rocks back and forth in the corner hugging radiator* **

SchmEthan: You guys go and get Eleven more ice.

***Ducks nod sacredly and run off* **

***SchmEthan huffs at Jinxy* *Jinxy huffs back***

Eleven: Urgggg…you cross with each other?!

SchmEthan: Aye. ***Glare* **

Jinxy: Yussum. ***Glare back***

Eleven: Buh… but you can't be cross with each other!

Jinxy: Ya we can.

Eleven: ***Is handed more ice* *stuffs it in his pockets* **But aren't you her trainer?!

SchmEthan: …Spose.

Eleven: And you, aren't you meant to be his loyal Pokemon?!

***Jinxy and SchmEthan snort* **

Eleven: Well, screw that then. ***Huff* **

Jinxy: ***Starts humming Mud Sunfish under breath* **I dun't like growing big, y'know. It's all scary and I get all angry and I dun't like its.

SchmEthan: THEN WHY USE THE MOVE?! I could EASILY have taught you 'MAKEPAVLOVASHAPPEN'!

Eleven: Don't shout at her!

Jinxy: ***Sniff* **

Eleven: C'mere. ***Opens arms* *Jinxy snuggles up* **

SchmEthan: Oh for - ***Face palm* **

Jinxy: …You'se hugging me.

Eleven: Well, yeah.

Jinxy: Ten never wanted to hug me. He was all moody n' shizz. But you're not moody. You're quite nice, actuallies. ^^

SchmEthan: …Did you just _accept _Eleven?!?!

Jinxy: Yup.

Eleven: ***Motions to SchmEthan* **C'mon. Group hug.

SchmEthan: AW HELL NO. ***Backs away, but is pushed forward by ducks* **

Eleven: ***Practically throttles SchmEthan* **All friends again, yes?

***Jinxy and SchmEthan mumble* **

Eleven: Yes?

Jinxy and SchmEthan: YES.

Eleven: Good. Well, I best be on my way. ***Gets up* *Jinxy looks a little heartbroken* *SchmEthan gives her a kit kat wrapper* *Jinxy rips it up absently* **

SchmEthan: Dun't go!

Eleven: Why?

Jinxy: Youse been our best guest yet! We don't want to put you in the room!

SchmEthan: Or even give you ice cream!

Eleven: What's wrong with ice cream?!

Jinxy: You dun't want to know.

Eleven: Something tells me I don't. ***Gets in TARDIS* **

SchmEthan: Uhm…we might not have ice cream, or fishy custard…

Eleven: FISHY CUSTARD. ^^

SchmEthan …But we have some chickeny jelly.

Eleven: Sounds strange enough. Thanks! ***Takes bowl SchmEthan offers***

Jinxy: ***Looks at Eleven sideways on* **

Eleven: Whut?

Jinxy: I dunno'…but something tells me you're going to make a great Doctor.

SchmEthan: ***Looks at Eleven sideways on too* **Wow. Can see what she means.

Eleven: ***Smiles* *Closes TARDIS door* **

TARDIS: ***Whoosy noises* *Distant yell of GEROMINO!!! can be heard* **

***Jinxy and SchmEthan grin and get out the glue, glitter and safety scissors* **

_***Half an hour later, a banner withthe number eleven on it is draped across teh Hub Show set, flapping idly in the breeze.* **_

_***Aw.* **_


	12. Of Pretty Scottish Girls and Mario Times

**_Hey there Hub Show viewers! Well, having a Skype account gets things moving a lot quicker, so here's a brand new Hub Show for you! ^^  
AND FACEBOOK PAGE.  
GO.  
NOW.  
Stupid human. -.-  
_******

***SchmEthan and Jinxy patiently sit on the floor and gaze at the eleven banner***

***Banner is stricken with a terrible bout of smallpox and catches fire***

Jinxy: Well, that was fun.

SchmEthan: Totally.

Safety scissors: I cut myself on some paper! ***cries***

Jinxy: It's alright, I'll comfort you, you poor stationery! ***flattens scissors with a MASSIVE water bottle filled with koala bats***

SchmEthan: JINXY, HOW COULD YOUU¬??¬??!?!?!

Jinxy: HE GAVE OUR BANNER SMALLPOX!!"

SchmEthan: Well, YOU nearly aired the wrong episode of the HUB SHOW last time. (True story = O)

Jinxy: ***turns sheepish***

Shaun the Sheep: That's MAI job!! ***quacks* **

SchmEthan: ...

Shaun: I think I've lost my touch...

SchmEthan: ... ***points finger at Jinxy* **Never forget, YOU did this, JINXY. I name YOU the DESTROYER OF FANFICTION!!!!!

Jinxy: BUTBUTBUTBUTBUTBUTBUTBUTBUT-

Shaun: -TERFLY!!!

SchmEthan: Are you still here?

Shaun: ... no... ***flees***

SchmEthan: Hmm. WELL, I dun't think anyones read COUGH WATCHED... ***shifty eyes* **the WRONG episode, so ALL IS WELL!! ^^

Jinxy: ***DEATH GLARE of DEATH***

SchmEthan: ***utter gulps***

Jinxy: ***hurls a radiator as SchmEthan***

SchmEthan: ***ducks to pick up a shiny 5p what just appeared* **SHINNEEYY!! = D

Radiator: Hmm. That probably wasn't supposed to happen. Like quite a few things in this existence. Y'know, all that fighting in Iraq could have been prevented if our country's leaders just sat down and had a good think about what they were doing. I mean, Tony Blair had no valid reason at all to go to war, on top of the fact that it was illegal. But, what do I know? I'm just a radiator. Sigh. ***continues flight path towards a forcibly unsuspecting audience member***

Forcibly unsuspecting audience member: Forcible AAAAHHH!!!! AN INSIGHTFUL RADIATOR!!!!! ***is squished***

Jinxy: ***stares at chain of events***

SchmEthan: ***stares at the stairs***

Jinxy: ***planes a plain plane***

SchmEthan: ***makes a bear bare***

Jinxy: ***ingests a willow tree***

SchmEthan: Jinxy, that's not how it-

Jinxy: ***invites a tadpole to dinner***

SchmEthan: ...

Jinxy: ***calls a kissogram for a chat***

SchmEthan: Wait, what? ***ever so mild excitement***

Jinxy: ***hangs up* **SchmEeeettthhhaannn....

Announcer guy: She said guiltily...

SchmEthan: Please tell me you DIDN'T (yes, didn't... ***squirms***) just order a kissogram...

Jinxy: ***very high pitched* **Yes?

SchmEthan: ***inhales* **YEEEEEEEEAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! WOOOT WOOT!!! I'm gonna get a kissogram! This is AWESOME!!! I can't- I mean JINXY, HOW COULD YOU!?!!!

Jinxy: FORGIVESS ME!!! I ordered it by Royal Mail first class, anyway, so we've got time.

SchmEthan: That's quite alright, Jinxy. ***tear comes to eye* **That's quite alright.

Announcer guy:_ Three to six weeks later..._

SchmEthan: ***finishes off some noodles***

Jinxy: ***on New Super Mario Bros. Wii* **Alright, come on. Level one. You can do it. GO. Ok. Don't die, DON'T DIE!! JUMP, DON- you died. YOU DIEDDD!!!! ***flails violently***

SchmEthan: You've been on that for three to six weeks and you haven't got past the FIRST LEVEL. I would suggest getting out Wii Fit instead.

Jinxy: But it tolded me I gained FIVE POUNDS!!!

SchmEthan: That's cause I gave you your pocket money!!

Jinxy: ... ... ... OHHH....

Doorbell: ***rings***

SchmEthan: ...

Jinxy: ...

Doorbell: What? Just cause no one ever uses me! ***huffs***

***a person-sized package is hurled through the door***

Jinxy: OOH! A PRESINT! ***viciously tears box to shreds before nomming on the polystyrene***

Mysterious thick Glaswegian voice inside box: Heey! That hurts, y'know!

SchmEthan: ***eyes widen* **NO!

Jinxy: ***ears widen* **IT CAN'T BE!

Amy Pond: ***bursts forth in ice cream person outfit* **IT IS!!!!

SchmEthan: ...

Jinxy: ...

Amy: ... REALLY quite stuffy in there... How long was I in that?

Jinxy: ***thinks back* **No idea. SchmEth?

SchmEthan: ***drools a small river reaching out of cave* **

Amy: You ok?

SchmEthan: I just want to-

Jinxy: ***senses vulgarities* **NOOOES!!! ***shoves a 'censored' radiator into SchmEthan's mouth***

SchmEthan: fluvvle fhul phhuugglle ssshhuzzle habbabababab.

Amy: You want to do WHAT to my pidgeon!?!

Jinxy: ANYway... Let's get this interview started! We would respectfully ask you to be seated on our top class paving slab.

Amy: Top class? My BOYFRIEND has more class than that.

Rory: ***spies Ethan***... I-IT'S HIM!!! The CURLEDY IRISHMAN!!

Jinxy's sister: ***appears* **HE'S REALLY IRISH!!

Rory and Jinxy's sister: ***beaten out of existence by a stray space hopper***

Jinxy: ...Is it just me, or did I have a weird flashback from Skype times?!

SchmEthan: ***deletes Skype history* **I don't know WHAT you're talking about...

Amy: ***fears for her life and sits***

SchmEthan: YAY!** *bounds to paving slap* **KWESTION ONE!! When a rocket escapes a pea pod, a small amount of cucumber is produced. What is the exact kitten to pointy stick ratio for this calculation?

Amy: BACON!

SchmEthan: WHERE??!?!

Jinxy: CORRECT! ***throws bacon far, far away***

SchmEthan: ***runs the opposite direction* **

Jinxy: TWO! If my football grew a nose and started eating truffles, should I (a), eat a pineapple, (b), buy a pepper pot from your nearest convenience store, or (c) do the Time Warp?

Amy: Well... I'd have to say (b)

Jinxy: YUPPUM!

***Time Warping, pineapple flavoured pepperpot runs riot through cave* **!!

Jinxy: ***incinerates the** **Time Warping, pineapple flavoured pepperpot** **with a damp towel* **THREE!!!¬ If I had a bag that could turn into an actor, when is the right time to stick your hand into the sweety jar?

Amy: When nobody's looking?

Jinxy: NO! ***rhinoceros happens***

Amy: ***stares at rhinoceros***

Jinxy: ... Something tells me you do it better, SchmEthan.

SchmEthan: ***is flattered* **Well... I wouldn't say THA-

Jinxy: Good. I TAKES IT BACK!!! ***malicious grinnings***

SchmEthan: ... ***sniffles***

Amy: Why am I here again?

SchmEthan: HEY! We ask the questions around here!!!

Amy: THAT'S NOT WHAT THE SIGN SAYS!!!!

SchmEthan: ***peers around at sign***

Sign: ANYONE CAN ASK QUESTIONS AS LONG AS THEY'RE VERY PRETTY

Jinxy: WHOT?!?!

Announcer guy: We'll be taking a short, sign-amending intermission. We'll be right back!

-

_IT'S EASTER TIME! And you know what THAT means!_

_SchmEthan: YES! We've hijacked Lindor and stolen'd all their bunnies!!_

_Jinxy: __***hoards bunnies in arms* **__WE'S GUNNA EAT TONIGHT!!_

_Lindt representative: Something tells me this is VERY bad advertising..._

_Something: __***whispers* **__This advertising are very bad..._

_Lindt representative: I see..._

_Jinxy: ... Moo._

_-_

Announcer guy: And we're back!!

Sign: WE ASK THE KWESTIUNS HERE!!

SchmEthan: MUUUCH better, right Jinxy?

Jinxy: Mmmm... ***admires auxiliary sign***

Auxiliary sign: Scotch Egg! It's the egg from Scotland! Scotch Egg! Encased in pork and breadcrumbs! SCOTCH EGG! SCOTCH EGG! WHATS THAT ON YOUR LEG? IS IT A SCOTCH EGG? SCOTCH EGG! SCOTCH EGG!

Additional auxiliary sign: © Weebl. Hub Show can't be sued n' all. D:

Jinxy: O yes. Last time that happened... ***Sniffs as she recalls all that ham that was given in payment***

SchmEthan: I see... ***boings back to Amy* **SO!

Amy: So.

SchmEthan: So.

Amy: So..

Jinxy: So NO ONE TOLD YOU LIFE WAS GONNA BE THIS WAY!

SchmEthan: ***claps***

Amy: SHADDUP AND PITY ME!

Jinxy: That wasn't a lyric!

Amy: ***produces frying pan* **I'm Scottish and I'm not afraid to use it!

Jinxy: Eep.

SchmEthan: So, you waited twelve years to see the Doctor again?

Amy: Yeah! He said five minutes, the liar!

SchmEthan: You could have just fast forwarded another five minutes or so. When he comes back for you. See, that's how television works. It-

Amy: BUT CHILD PROTECTION LAWS SAYS I CAN'T!!

Jinxy: ***releases child back into the wild* **She's right, y'know!

Child: EASTER EGGS NAAOOO!!!!

Audience: ***forcibly and teasingly eat Easter eggs in front of small child***

Child: ***pulls out huge vacuum cleaner and sucks up ALLLL the Easter eggs in sight before running away giggling***

Audience: Forcible oh.

Amy: You guys REEEAAALLLYYY like this job, don't you?

SchmEthan and Jinxy: YUS!! = D

Amy: WONDERFUL! Being a kissogram's fun too.

SchmEthan: YEAH, but you have a BOYFRIEND!!

Rory: ***pops up to prove a point***

Amy: SHHHHHH...

SchmEthan: WELL would you INSTEAD like us to draw our attention to the WONDROUS selection of FRESHLY SQUEEZED ice creamses?!?

Amy: ... squeezed...?

Jinxy: WOOTWOOT! ***falls through a pillowcase towards the general direction of an ice cream van***

Amy: ...freshly...?

Jinxy: ***flumphs up in a skimpy policewoman outfit***

Amy: ... Did we get mixed up?

Jinxy: Probably...

***Magical clothing swap happens to the Garden Force music***

SchmEthan: ECKSELLENT! Would you like mouldy crackers...

Jinxy: Slightly-gone-off-tomatoes...

SchmEthan: Or porridge.

Amy: Well, that sounds ni-

Jinxy: GREEEEEN PORRIDGE WITH MR MUSCLE IN IT!!

Amy: AAAARRRGGH!!

SchmEthan: JINXY! DON'T scare the victim- cough guests!!

Jinxy: I sowwy...

Amy: ... Mouldy crackers please...

Jinxy: ***complies***

Amy: ***deftly licks***

SchmEthan: ANY second now...

Amy: ***Well, what now?***

SchmEthan: ... You're speaking in asterixes...

Amy: ***Am I? Oh well.* **Hair turns a slightly custardy colour as fingernails turn into wallets.

SchmEthan: Asterix man, are you alright?

***Cuts to footage of asterix man lying in a pool of his own narrative***

SchmEthan: NOOOOESS!! ***falls to knees and begs***

Amy: ***ears grow big enough to hear a dog whispering while soup fills the liquid in her eyes. Jinxy's singing can be heard through her police walkie talkie as her fingerprints go blank and are replaced by ink stamps showing today's date.***

SchmEthan: Ahh, refreshing to see another fine ice cream victim convulsing maniacally while we watch safely and-

Amy: ***returns to complete normality* **WHAT WAS THAT FOR?!?1 ***produces gun* **YOU'LL BE SORRY!!

Jinxy: DUCKS, ROOOOMM!!

SchmEthan: I AGREEEE!!

***ducks herd Amy towards the room as the TARDIS returns***

Eleven: ***steps forth* **COME WITH MEE!!!

Amy: FOUR YEARS! FOUR YEARS!!

Eleven: FREE CREDIT AT DFS!

Amy: YAYS!

***Amy and Eleven board the new TARDIS and fly away***

SchmEthan: ... wow... ***drools***

Jinxy: GET OVER IT! Remember what happened to Rose!!

SchmEthan: ... ***drools more* **Rooooossseee...

Jinxy: Many sighs. ***dawdles off to corner and reads a nice Simon's Cat book* **

**_Do review, viewers. Quickly. Then I won't have to scream "THERE ARE NO REVIEWS". Coz' I will. Don't think I won't. ¬¬ XD_**


	13. Of Late Elections and Kelads

**GOOD EVENING, PITIFUL HUMANS! HERE'S THE NEWEST INTERVIEW! Updated at the DEAD OF NIGHT, 'coz we're cool like that.**

SchmEthan: Before you settle down with that Simon's Cat book, Jinxy, your room needs tidying.  
Jinxy: WHUT? My room's fine!

SchmEthan: No it isn'ts. You need to exterminate the eco-systems that are growing out of the pizza boxes you've left lying around and the delivery boys you've dragged in there need to be put on the doorstep for when the psychiatric people come round next.

Jinxy: BUH THAT'S NOT FAIR!

SchmEthan: Tough cheeses.  
Jinxy: …I HATE YOU!

SchmEthan: Mmm. That's nice. ***Flicks open newspaper* **

Jinxy: I WISH YOU WEREN'T MY TRAINER!

SchmEthan: Sometimes, so do I.

Jinxy: I'M ADOPTED! D:

SchmEthan: …Technically, you are.

Jinxy: ARRRRRRGHMAFLUMP. ***Stomps off to room* **

SchmEthan: ***Over the sound of things being thrown at the walls in Jinxy's room as a method of tidying* **Ooo. According to _The Daily Fungus_, the Internet is a lot better than going outside. Interesting…

Jinxy: ***Stomps back into cave* **

SchmEthan: Go back in there and tidy it.

Jinxy: IS tidy.

SchmEthan: O rly? So if I go in there now –

Jinxy: OKOK! ***Storms back out again* **

SchmEthan: ***Smug sounding hmmms* *Returns to newspaper* **

Jinxy: Uhm…SchmEthan?

SchmEthan: What now?

Jinxy: Uhhh…I think you need to come and see this.

SchmEthan: ***Sighs* *Folds newspaper up and gives it to the hippo next to him* **

Hippo: Cheers. Mind if I have your socks?  
SchmEthan: 'Fraid not.

Hippo: Fair doos, mate, fair doos. ***Reads newspaper* **

SchmEthan: ***Peers round into Jinxy's room* *Sees dustbin bags with muttering and dishevelled pizza boys in them, the pizza boxes in the corner with the vines growing out of them fighting with each other, the fan clogged up with rainbow string and the great big supermassive black hole in the middle of the floor* *Comma man hands in his notice and storms out* **

Jinxy: …It wasn't me.

SchmEthan: Well, who was it then? Gravity?

Gravity: YUS IT WAS. ***Sobs* **ALL THE THINGS ON THE FLOOR WERE TOO MUCH FOR ME TO TAKE, AND I RIPPED IN TWO!

SchmEthan: JINXY! LOOK WHAT YOU DID TO POOR GRAVITY!

Jinxy: ***Is not listening* **LOOK! ***Holds SchmEthan's debit card over the black hole* **

SchmEthan: NOOOOOO! ***Slow motion dive towards the card* **

Jinxy: ***Snatches it away and watches on as SchmEthan falls in* **NOOOOO!

***Silence* **

Very-Distant-SchmEthan: Umm…help?

Jinxy: SCHMETHAN? ***Peers into black hole* *SchmEthan is hanging off the edge* **

SchmEthan: O hai.

Jinxy: YOU'RE ALIVE!

SchmEthan: That much is clear. Mind helping me out?

Jinxy:... ***Evil look* **As long as you don't make me tidy my room EVER again.

SchmEthan: Done. Get me out please.

Jinxy: And restock the fridge with only ham for a month.

SchmEthan: Also done. Help me out nao.

Jinxy: And boost my pocket money to £GAZZILIONANDSIX a month.

SchmEthan: …Uh…

Jinxy: And buy the BBC…

SchmEthan: Um…

Jinxy: And get me a Quattro…

SchmEthan: Jinxy…

Jinxy: ***Starts counting on her fingers* **And get me the universe, Weebl, the internet and Nintendo and my sister's boyfriend's socks…

SchmEthan: JINXY!

Jinxy: There's no need to shout.

SchmEthan: Get me out. _Right now_.

Jinxy: Whhhhy?

SchmEthan: Because there's a Dalek right behind me.

From-Somewhere-In-The-Black-Hole: EX-TERM-IN-ATE.

Jinxy: HOLY HOTDOGS! ***Seizes SchmEthan's arms and tries to drag him out* **

SchmEthan: YOU'RE SO WEAK!

Jinxy: SHUT UP AND HELP ME!

***Bill and Ben the Flower Pot Men come running in to help* *Pull Jinxy by the waste* **

Jinxy: IT'S SPELT WAIST, YOU MORONS.

Bill: FLOBBA DOBBA!

Ben: FLUBBA DEEE!

***All haul SchmEthan out* **

SchmEthan: ***Scrambles to feet* **JINXY, USE CONVENIENT-BLACK-HOLE-CLOSER!

Ever-So-Close-Dalek: EX-TERM-IN-ATE!

Jinxy: MKAYS! ***Hurls vodka bottle into black hole* **

Black Hole: OW! ***Contorts and seals itself up* **

Jinxy: ***Rounds on Bill and Ben* **GET OUT OF MY SIGHT.

Bill and Ben: FLUBBA DOBBA WUBBO! ***Stomps out* **  
Nun: ***GHASP* *Faints* **

Jinxy: You kays, SchmEthan?

SchmEthan: Actually, I'm exhausted, so –

Jinxy: Good, coz' I still want a Quattro.

SchmEthan: ***Pauses in going to strangle Jinxy when a muted EX-TERM-IN-ATE is heard* **What was that…

Jinxy: …Uh oh.

***Exterminate sound* *Floor is blown open* *Dalek flies out* **

SchmEthan: OMG! RTD! :

Jinxy: Colon At-Sign?

SchmEthan: JUST RUN!

Dalek: EX-TERM-IN-ATE!

Announcer Guy: HOLY CRAB CAKES! WE'LL BE BACK SOON!

_Announcer Guy: Are you bored of your conservatory? Do you think it needs something a little extra? Well, the Hub Show demolition team will take care of it for you! _

_***Cuts to garden on fire* *People are running and screaming as Jinxy runs around with hammer smashing in windows and SchmEthan mows down the conservatory and half of the house it's attached to***_

_Announcer Guy: DON'T DELAY, CALL TODAY! _

Announcer Guy: ***A little timidly and quietly* **And we're back folks… ***Ducks down under desk and sobs quietly* **

***Hub Show cave is silent and empty* *Dalek rolls in and swivels around* **

Dalek: LIFE FORMS DETECTED BEHIND THAT BIG SNOW FORT!

From behind it: DAMMIT.

SchmEthan and Audience: SHADDAP JINXY!

Dalek: ***Rolls forward a little closer* *Baseball bat is poked through a hole in the fort wall* **

Jinxy: DUN'T YOU COME ANY CLOSER!

Dalek: ***Exterminates baseball bat***

Jinxy: ***Yelps and withdraws hand quickly* **

SchmEthan: _THAT WAS OUR ONLY WEAPON! _

Jinxy: I THOUGHT IT WOULD WORK! D':

***Sound of front door closing* **

Kiarra-Chan: Hey guys! Got the groceries in! What's with Tesco, anyway? Lots of old people do their shopping there…

Dalek: ***Swivels around towards front door* **

SchmEthan: …This is inconvenient.

Jinxy: Uhrrrrrrmmm…***Rubs temples* **

SchmEthan: Mental communication times? Mkays.

Jinxy: OW. Brain static.

Jinxy and SchmEthan: ***Send communication to Kiarra-Chan* **

Kiarra-Chan: O hai! What's that…"There's a Dalek in the cave, run the other way"? April Fools is long gone, guys. Quit messing around. "No, we mean it, run like hell"? Oh come on! I'm not gonna' fall for it… ***Walks into cave* **

Dalek: ***Swivels* **

Kiarra-Chan…Oh.

Dalek: EX-TERM-IN-ATE!

***Jinxy and SchmEthan grab Kiarra-Chan's legs and haul her behind the fort* *Beam crashes into cave wall* **

Kiarra-Chan: …You guys weren't kidding.

Jinxy and SchmEthan: YA THINK?

Kiarra-Chan: …So now what?

SchmEthan: ***Puffs self up* **Imma' go out there and confront it.

Kiarra-Chan: Okidoke.

Jinxy: Fine with me.

SchmEthan: …No "Don't go SchmEthans?" "Let me do it instead"!

Kiarra-Chan: Noooope.

Jinxy: You going out there instead of me? Sits well here, thanking you much.

SchmEthan: …Well…uhm…

Jinxy: Losing your bottle? ***Smirk* **

SchmEthan: Right here, actually. ***Holds up Coke can***

Kiarra-Chan: ...Do I have to point out…?

SchmEthan: No, you don't. ***Stomps out around fort* *All watch anxiously* **

Dalek: WHO ARE YOU?

SchmEthan: Well, someone's not been reading the beginning of every other line for the past twelve interviews, have they?

Jinxy: OOOOOO. BURN.

Dalek: COMMUNICATION BETWEEN THE HUMAN AND THE HYBRID WILL CEASE.

Jinxy: …You what, mate?

SchmEthan: …Not the time to get English on it, Jinxy.

Jinxy: YOU CALLIN' ME AN HYBRID MATE?

Dalek: CORRECT.

Jinxy: IMMA' GIVE YOU A SLAP! ***Leaps over wall of fort* *Lunges towards Dalek* **

Dalek: EX-TERM-IN-ATE!

Jinxy: YOU DON'T SCARE ME!

Everyone: NOOOO JINXY!

***BLARGH*  
****  
-**

_Party Election Broadcast from the Hub Party:_

_***Jinxy and SchmEthan fall through the roof in suits and cheese and ham coloured rosettes with BIG photoshopped posters of their faces behind them. Dust is brushed off***_

_Jinxy: WE AM THE HUB PARTY!_

_SchmEthan: And we want YOU to vote for us on Thursday!_

_Jinxy: Yes, YOU! __***points to large-ish ferret***_

_SchmEthan: We're dedicated to gaining more rights for fictional characters..._

_Jinxy: ... AND the compulsary folding of ALL paper into an origami duck!_

_SchmEthan: We would like to present our MANIFESTO! = D_

_Manifesto: __***dances***__ DOOO DOO DOO DOO. DOO DOO. DOO DOO. Can't touch this!_

_SchmEthan: __***drops a lemon on manifesto's head***_

_1. We propose that either ham or cheese is to be made available free of charge to ANYONE who asks nicely. This is chiefly to promote good manners. BUT ONLY ONE! Ham AND cheese is just greed!_

_2. To prevent crimes in the home, we propose that radiators are to be FULLY detachable and hurlable towards any hostilities._

_3. We propose that for every university, there is a proportionally large teapot for the students to consume from whenever they please. To raise caffiene awareness._

_4. In all prisons, we propose that an ice cream van should visit every Thursday. This will excite the prisoners and they shall have their ice cream. And they will convulse and do random things and then forget. And do it all again next week. The best form of rehab._

_5. We propose to abolish gravity. So useless and causing of effort and the like. It's disgusting!_

_Jinxy: I propose that DAVID TENNANT SHOULD LIVE IN MY HOUSE!_

_SchmEthan: HE SURRPORRTS LABOUR!_

_Jinxy: __***madly flailing and swearing silhouette is censored due to VERY VERY LEGAL impartiality***_

_SchmEthan: Quite right. VOTE HUB PARTY! _

_Jinxy: Because if you don't we won't be your friends anymore!_

_SchmEthan: She's right, y'know. __***wonders* **__Where are all the OTHER candidates?_

_Jinxy: __***takes a look around* **__Dunno. Maybe they all gave up!_

_SchmEthan: Wait... what date is it?_

_Jinxy: 6__th__ of May, of course..._

_SchmEthan: __***checks calendar* **__Jinxy, it's the 1__st__ of JUNE! We're a month late!_

_Jinxy: D: THINK OF ALL THE ROSETTE MATERIAL WE'VE WASTED!_

_SchmEthan: __***sobs as most of the set is repossessed***_

***Snow fort SPLODES* *Audience forget the forcibles and scream like girls* *Kiarra-Chan and SchmEthan duck for cover* **

Audience: Grumblemumbleforciblecrumble.

***Dust clears* *Kiarra Chan finds SchmEthan* **

Kiarra Chan: Where's Jinxy?

SchmEthan: No ideas! = O

Kiarra Chan: NOW IS NOT THE TIME FOR EQUALS O! JINXY!

SchmEthan: JINXY!

Audience: …

SchmEthan: ***Glares* **

Audience: FORCIBLE JINXY!

From-inside-the-tunnel: ***Sounds of a Dalek being pummelled with a radiator* **

***SchmEthan and Jinxy peer round to find Jinxy whacking Dalek repeatedly with a radiator, quite clearly RAAAAGEFUL.* **

Jinxy: YOU MUST DIE!

Dalek: OW-OW-OW-OW-OW!

SchmEthan: JINXY! That's 'nuff! ***Drags her away from Dalek, which is swivelling a little pointlessly on the ground while Kiarra-Chan gets her sword out and jams it in its severely dented armour* **

Jinxy: IMMA' GET YOU! ***Lunges again* **

SchmEthan: JINXY! IT KAYS!

Jinxy: No it isn'ts! It could've killed Kiarra-Chan or you!

SchmEthan: …Was that a thought for another being? ***Ghasp of absolute disbelievment* **

Jinxy: NO IT WASN'TS.

Two pence coin: She said defensively.

Dalek: ***Weakly* **HYBRID…SHOWS…SOME…LEVEL…OF…ATTACTHMENT…TO THE…HUMANS.

Jinxy: I WILL give you such a slap! ***Lunges towards Dalek again* **

SchmEthan: ZOMG! Jinxy has FEELINGS! LETS HUG HER!

Jinxy: DON'T YOU DARE! I REFUSE TO BE - ***Is trapped within group hug* **

***Minute goes by* **

Jinxy: Imma' bout to go really crazy on yo' asses if you dun't let me go. ***Claws her way out anyway and glares at Dalek* **Can we interview it?

SchmEthan: Yar, sure –

Jinxy: ***Pulls out radiator* **

SchmEthan: _AWAY_.

Jinxy: ***Sulkily puts radiator away again* **

Kiarra-Chan: ***As real Dalek falls out of armour* **EWWWWWWWW!

Dalek: …YOU'VE HURT MY FEELINGS.  
SchmEthan: Srsly?

Dalek: ***Squints* **YOU ARE IR-ISH.

SchmEthan: Yes, so everyone keeps saying. And Jinxy?  
Jinxy: Yuuus?

SchmEthan: Stop poking it with a pencil.

Jinxy: BUT IT'S SO POKABLE. ***Continues to poke Dalek with a pencil* **

Dalek: ***Frowns as its poked*  
**Announcer Guy: …We'll be right back, folks. ***Watches on as Jinxy continues to poke Dalek in a rather fascinated manner***

_Announcer Guy: Do you often find yourself craving something that isn't food but MIGHT be a drink?  
Jinxy: …HELL YES.  
Announcer Guy: THEN LOOK NO FURTHER! 'COZ HERE, TODAY, YOU CAN BUY HOT CHOCOLATE POWDER! ***Produces a packet of hot chocolate powder on a cushion made of golden dog biscuits* **_

_Jinxy: ***Eyes widen in hot chocolate powder packet shine* **_

_Announcer Guy: ***Holds it up triumphantly* **I GIVE YOU, THE NOT FOOD DRINK! ***Lifts cushion back down* *Hot chocolate is gone* **What the – _

_Distant SchmEthan: Hot chocolate powder? NOM!  
Announcer Guy: …Sigh._

Announcer Guy: SUP homies. We back, y'know what I'm sayin'?

Jinxy: GIMME BACK MY PENCIL! ***Leaps up at SchmEthan, who holds it up out of her reach*  
**  
SchmEthan: YES. WE'RE BACK! IN THE EXAM PERIOD!

Numerous teenagers across the country: ***SOB***

SchmEthan: AND WE'RE INTERVIEWING A DALEK! ***Points pencil at Dalek* **

Dalek: YOU WILL BE EXTERMINATED! … Once I get back in my pepper pot.

Kiarra Chan: You can talk normally?  
Dalek: Yeah, but it's better to talk in that emotionless robotic voice to people. Scares them a bit more.  
SchmEthan: Ahh right. Makes sense.  
Jinxy: PENCIL D:

SchmEthan: …Sigh. ***Gives Jinxy her pencil back* **

Jinxy: MINE ***Snatches and rocks in corner*  
**Kiarra Chan: Give her five minutes and she'll have chewed the rubber off the end.

SchmEthan: Tragic, isn't it?

Kiarra Chan: Indeed it is.

Dalek: …Oh yes. It is rather.

Kiarra Chan: Who asked you?  
Dalek: …***Rubs one tentacle with the other shyly* **No one. I just didn't want to feel left out, is all.

SchmEthan: …OK! QUESTION –

Dalek: Is there a test? Oh goodness, I didn't revise at all!

Jinxy: ***Looks up from corner* **Gosh, you're a bit naff, aren't you? ***Erratic head twitch* *Noms on the end of pencil* **

SchmEthan: …No, this isn't a test.

Dalek: So nothing official?

SchmEthan: …No –

Dalek: Will I get kicked off the board for smiling at someone?

Kiarra-Chan: Can you even smile?

Dalek: Just about.

Crickets: ***Chirp* **

Dustbowl: ***Rolls across* **Oh, 'scuse me fellas. ***Rolls out again* **

Sid James: NYAH HA HA HA.

SchmEthan: AND ON THAT CACKLE, QUESTION ONE! If Jinxy –

Jinxy: ***From the corner* **WOOOOO!

SchmEthan: …revised home made rockets, and SchmEthan revised eye patches, and if Kiarra Chan revised watering cans and their natural habitats, HOW PREPARED WOULD THEY BE FOR THE DECK CHAIR EXAM?

Dalek: COMPLETELY?

SchmEthan: HELL NO! ITS ACTUALLY ON GRASS! ***LOTSAGRASSHAPPENS* **

Hay fever sufferers: Oh thanks. ***Chorus of sneezing* **

Kiarra Chan: QUESTION TWO! If my dog and my cat met a Magikarp and were like "Ohai Magikarp", what is the exact diameter of this saucepan! ***Holds up a rather large saucepan* **

Dalek: …3.16?

Kiarra-Chan: NO, A RAINBOW! ***Rainbow crushes some audience members* **

Jinxy: ***Hurls her pencil at Dalek* **

Dalek: OW MY EYE. :'(

Jinxy: ***Jumps up* **You're a wuss.

Dalek: AM NOT.

SchmEthan: Are too.

Dalek: AM NOT.

Kiarra Chan: Are too.

Dalek: ***Smacks tentacles on the ground* **AMNOTAMNOTAMNOT.

SchmEthan: …You're rubbish! Why'd you even come up through that black hole?  
Dalek: …Because all the other Daleks think I'm sissy and it's not my fault that Dalek Drom caught me hugging that puppy!

Kiarra Chan: …***Facepalm***

Jinxy: …GTFO.

Dalek: …D:

SchmEthan: You have clearly been a waste of our time. Dalek indeed. ***Scoffs***

Dalek: Wha…wha?

Kiarra Chan: ***Looks up from Assassin's Creed, realising it's her turn to speak* **YEAH. Go home.

SchmEthan: What kind of Dalek are you?  
Dalek: …A nice one?  
SchmEthan: …Someone get the ROOOOOM!  
Dalek: WHAT? NO!  
***Origami ducks open the door to the ROOOOM!* *Monsters shriek and roar and moan and have tea* **

Kiarra-Chan: In you go. ***Herds Dalek towards door* **

Dalek: NOOO! I'LL TELL YOU ABOUT THE KELAD!

Jinxy: …Kelad? ***Is shamelessly intrigued* **  
Dalek: Well, some say, that the Kelad wears socks to bed. On his ears. And some say that he lives in Brand New Mexico.

SchmEthan: No, that's the Stig.  
Jeremy Clarkson: POOOOWA! :3

SchmEthan: Look, if you can't give us the Kelad, then you'll just have to –

Dalek: ***Points* **OMG! THERE HE IS!

***Spotlight* *Kelad rolls on* **

Everyone else: ***A bit quiet* **

***Michael Jackson's Billy Gene starts playing* *Kelad spins around with a crotch grab and hip thrusts* **

SchmEthan: OH FOR –

Kelad: EH-HE!

SchmEthan: Look, its not that we don't like MJ or anything –

Kelad: OW!

Kiarra Chan: Is it hurt?

SchmEthan: Nah, I think its just –

Kelad: ANNIEAREYOUOK –

Jinxy: AREYOUOKANNIE? ***Moonwalk* **

SchmEthan: Oh dear. ***Trips Jinxy up* **

Jinxy: ***Sends a horde of co-co pops to eat his village's crops***

SchmEthan: ***TRICEATOPS* **

Jinxy: BITCH NO! ***T REX* **

SchmEthan and Jinxy: FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT –

Kiarra Chan: ***Takes dinosaurs away and puts them on a really high shelf* **When you kids learn how to play nicely, you can have them back.

Dalek: CAN I PLEASE GO HOME NOW?

SchmEthan: NOT WITHOUT AN ICECREAM!

Jinxy: ***Stops sulking about the loss of her T Rex at once* **ICECWEEM! ***Flees to fetch suit* **

Kiarra-Chan: Bet you a dollar that it's a crisp packet.

SchmEthan: Pfft. You're on.

Jinxy: ***Appears in a Walkers English Roast Beef flavour crisp packet* **

Kiarra-Chan: YES!

SchmEthan: AIN'T GOT NO DOLLARS! :3

Kiarra-Chan: DAMMIT!

SchmEthan: Jinxy, where's your ice cream suit?

Jinxy: …Not here.

SchmEthan: GO CHANGE.

Jinxy: ***Disappears to get changed while grumbling* *Buttered toast* *Appears in ice cream van and proper costume* **

SchmEthan: RIGHT! We have toenail toppings –

Kiarra Chan: Wii Remote Salsa and –

Jinxy: TUUUNNA :3

Dalek: …I think I'll take Wii Remote Salsa…

Jinxy: ***Gives, trying to avoid flailing tentacles* **

Dalek: NOM! ***Licks* **

…

…

…

…

…

Dalek: DELETE! ***Hic* **DELETE!

SchmEthan: …No, try again…

Dalek: …SONTAHAH!

Kiarra Chan: …Nope.

Dalek: ! ***SPLODES***

SchmEthan: WELL THAT'S ANOTHER DAY'S WORK DONE! = D

Jinxy: ***Prods equals D suspiciously* **

Kiarra Chan: ***Nudges Kelad out of spot light, who breathes heavily and moonwalks on out* **SEE YA' ROUND! ***Is beamed up to wherever* **

SchmEthan: So, kids, the moral of the story today is –

Jinxy: Uhrm…***Taps SchmEthan on the shoulder nervously* **Why is there a crack in the wall?

SchmEthan: That'll be where you hurled that sofa at it last month.

Jinxy: …S'got white light coming out of it.

SchmEthan: That'll be next door.

Jinxy: BUT WE DON'T HAVE A NEXT DOOR!

SchmEthan: ***Wheels around to see white light creeping out of the big ol' crack in the wall* **HOLY GRANITE IN A BAG OF TOAST!

***White light SPLODES* **

…

Male Nurse Like Voice: Uhrm…where am I? Everyone? Doctor? …AMY?

**TO BE CONTINUED.**

**Obviously.  
****  
REVIEW! :D *Makes clever heart symbol with hands***


	14. Of the WHITE LIGHT ANNIVERSARY SPESHUL!

**_So. Its been a year. Did anyone sacrifice anything in our name to celebrate it? No? Oh well. ON WITH THE SPESHUL ANNIVERSARY SHOW!_**

***everything is white***

SchmEthan: urrrrgghghh...

***even this writing***

Jinxy: bluhblurblebluh...

***messes with your head, doesn't it?***

Male-nurse-looking figure: Hey! SchmEthan! ***shakes said Irishman* **WAKES UP!

SchmEthan: THE CODE TO HIS BRIEFCASE WAS 833! ***breaks down* **IT WAS 833 ALL ALONG! ***sobs***

Figure-that-still-looks-like-a-male-nurse: I see... ***backs away slowly towards Jinxy* *shakes said... thing* **WAKE UP, JINXY!

Jinxy: ***cockney accent* **You were only supposed to burn the bloody EYEBROWS OFF!

These-descriptions-are-getting-silly;-I-want-a-sammich: Is ANYBODY normal here?

SchmEthan and Jinxy: ***spring up* **NOPE ^^

See-above-for-details: ...

SchmEthan: ... OHAI

Jinxy: WAIT A MINUTE... ***sniffs the air* **I KNOW you... You're...

Countdown clock: DUN DUN DUN-DUN DIDDLY DUN. PEEEEEEWWWWW.

Jinxy: ...SCHMETHAN!

SchmEthan: ***many ghaspings* **How DID you guess?

Jinxy: I can really very smart better, you know!

SchmEthan: WOW! I wish _I _had y- WAIT WHO'S THAT? ***points at widely-described figure***

Any-minute-now...: Yes, I HAVEN'T been here for a while or anything.

Jinxy: ***sniffs more* **Male nurse...

SchmEthan: ***inspects* **Ginger hairs on his person...

Jinxy: ***opens a new tin of tomato soup* **Rather large zappy gun hole in his chest...

Oh-come-on,-hurry-up!: ***checks* **That's gonna hurt tomorrow...

SchmEthan: Hmmmm...

Jinxy: Tick tock tick tock tick tock tick tock-

SchmEthan and Jinxy: PING! IS RORY! = D

AT-LAST! ... I-mean-Rory: See that big equals D over there... Is that ba-

***Rory is RATHER squished between a Jinxy and a SchmEthan in a big bear hug***

SchmEthan: WE LOVE YOU RORY!

Jinxy: WHY DID YOU HAS TO DIE?

Rory: You know, I have NO idea. ***glare at Stephen Moffat***

The Moff: Just doin' mah job! ***expertly writes himself out of the Hub Show***

Rory: ***still squished* **So, anybody have any idea where we are then?

SchmEthan: ***releases Rory* **Actually, no... There wus...

_Jinxy: Uhrm…__***Taps SchmEthan on the shoulder nervously* **__Why is there a crack in the wall? _

_SchmEthan: That'll be where you hurled that sofa at it last month. _

_Jinxy: …S'got white light coming out of it. _

_SchmEthan: That'll be next door. _

_Jinxy: BUT WE DON'T HAVE A NEXT DOOR! _

_SchmEthan: __***Wheels around to see white light creeping out of the big ol' crack in the wall* **__HOLY GRANITE IN A BAG OF TOAST! _

_***White light SPLODES***_

Jinxy: And then we woked up here!

Rory: ***a LITTLE freaked* **How did you make me remember that?

SchmEthan: It's only _italics flashbacks. _Useful if you can't be bothered telling a really long story.

Jinxy: Or to REALLY ANNOY THE HELL OUT OF PEOPLE! Watch!

SchmEthan: DUN'T YOU-

_SchmEthan: You know what? I think it's time for a totally unnecessary ORAGAMI DUCK WAR!_

_Jinxy: NYAH!_

_***Jinxy and SchmEthan battle for a few hours, and then realise there is a show to do***_

SchmEthan: Sigh. This is going to be a LOOOONNGG day.

Rory: Not that time actually works here or anything. ***holds out wrist***

Watch: ***thermometer in mouth* **Ohhhh... Today is just NOT my day. Go on without me, I'll have to call in sick.

SchmEthan: Ah. MURMURING OF WHICH, where is we?

Rory: I have no idea. We were both sucked into huge cracks, yeah?

SchmEthan: ***un-beard strokage* **UMM-HUMM...

Rory: AND time isn't working...

Jinxy: The point is fair...

Rory: So we MUST be in-

Jinxy: ALTON TOWERS! YAAAAAAAAYYY! ***tries to run away to go on the super fun rides***

SchmEthan: ***grabs fleeing Jinxy by leg* **No, we am NOT in Alton Towers.

Rory: Or else there'd be TOWERS.

SchmEthan: EEEGGGSSACTLY!

Jinxy: So where AM we then?

Rory: Well, if I knew THAT, I wouldn't have ASKED.

SchmEthan: Well, what DO you know then?

Rory: The exact value of Pi?

Jinxy: PIE? NOM!

SchmEthan: Impressive, but a bit unhelpful. ***Over sounds of "D'YOU MIND?" And "O stop whining."* **I think we're a bit lost…

Jinxy: ***Manages to secure herself on Rory's shoulders* **I SAY, SCHMETH! There does appear to be a black speck in the distance!

SchmEthan: ***Squints to improve his vision by 45.7rectangle%* **Nope…I think you may be hallucinating a bit.

Jinxy: …But I could've _sworn _all these pink elephants were real. ***Looks down at Rory* **And you've got an extra toe growing out of your nose! Fancy that…

Rory: ***Checks his nose anxiously* **

SchmEthan: ***Sigh* **WELL. It looks like there's nothing else better to do in here than take a nice –

Jinxy: DON'T SAY IT. ***Rory staggers to the left as Jinxy swings round to glare at SchmEthan fiercely* **

SchmEthan: …***Smirks* **Long…

Jinxy: DON'TDON'DON'TDON'T -

SchmEthan: …Walk! = D

Jinxy: ***HISS* **

SchmEthan: Stop complaining. Besides, you can get Rory to do all the walking for you.

Rory: Uhrm, can you?

Jinxy: Yes. We can.

***Jinxy and SchmEthan stare at Rory* **

Rory: I somehow have an inexplicable urge to carry Jinxy absolutely everywhere.

Jinxy: Knew you would see it our way ^^

***All three embark on a walk* **

***A little while later* **

Jinxy: I SPY, WITH MY LITTLE EYE, SOMETHING BEGINNING WITH…W!

SchmEthan: White?

Jinxy: YEP! Your turn!

SchmEthan: Hmmmm… I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with…W.

Rory: White?

SchmEthan: Nope.

Rory: …Walrus?

SchmEthan: Nope. Guess again.

Rory: …Giraffe?

SchmEthan: COMPLETELY CORRECT! Your turn!

Rory: OK! I spy with my little eye, something beginning with…an ominous figure in the distance.

Jinxy: Oooo, that's a tough one. ***Leans on the top of Rory's head, lost in thought* **

Rory: No really! There's someone out there!

SchmEthan: No there isn'ts. I checked earlier with mai super visions.

Rory: Well, then adjust it!

SchmEthan: ***Adjusts vision by another triangle while grumbling about it * **HANG ON A SEC. There _is _someone out there!

Jinxy: D'YOU THINK THEY MIGHT HAVE TOWELS?

Rory: No, unless its Arthur Dent -

_SchmEthan: QUESTION ONE! There is a fireplace in my boiler suit. It runs off baked beans. It can burn 100 tins of baked beans to produce several billion calendars. If the calendars are all signed by the Face of Boe, what is the meaning of life?_

_Tosh__iko__: Scientifically, there is no meaning to- __***is interrupted by a flying copy of A Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy***_

Rory: Well THAT was a bit inconvenient.

Jinxy: I CAN SPELL THAT! IN-CON-FUDGE…

SchmEthan: ***Hands Jinxy a dictionary* **

Jinxy: ***Is silenced by presence of dictionary* **

SchmEthan: WELL. Whoever it may be doesn't look pleased to see us.

Rory: How'd you figure that one out?

SchmEthan: WELL. If you take the amount of space in this place and times it by the three of us and possibly divide it by the square root of a shoe and then add the how many times Jinxy has considered what _exactly _the need for toes is and then take _that _away from all the pencils I own equals –

Rory: That figure packing away everything they have with them really quickly and looking like they're about to leg it?

SchmEthan: ...No. It actually equals WAIT A SEC! ***Charges after figure* **

Jinxy: ***Throws dictionary over her shoulder and clings to Rory* **FOOORWARD!

Rory: You're actually a bit too heavy for that kind of thing –

Jinxy: ***Waves a sharp looking fork in Rory's face* **Pardon?

Rory: Oh, uhrm, I said HEY WAIT FOR US! ***Runs after SchmEthan* **

Mysterious figure: ***Is hastily packing things away* **NONONONONO –

SchmEthan: ***Skids to a halt and peers at figure closely* **You look like someone we know…

Mysterious figure: No I don't! You lot have NEVER seen me before, and –

Jinxy: ***Over the huffs and puffs of Rory* **Nope, SchmEth's right. You definitely look like someone we know…

Mysterious Figure: No, you really don't. I got a mysterious beard, see.

SchmEthan: What, this mysterious beard? ***Pokes* **

Mysterious Figure: NONONONO –

_Jinxy: Excellent... now I can bring on the guest... Please welcome... __***flashback static***_

_*****__**Unidentified person**__** enters through the revolving doors at the front of the building***_

_Still-not-a-clue__: What the HELL'S going on here?_

_SchmEthan: Well, th-_

_Jinxy: DOCTOR TARDIS DAVROS DALEKS REALITY BOMB OOD SONTARANS PUFF THE MAGIC DRAGON!_

_Wait...__: __***splodes***_

SchmEthan: NO!

Jinxy: IT CAN'T BE!

Rory: …Y'know, after travelling around in a little blue box that's a bit bigger on the inside and somehow managing to reconnect with the love of my life after that whole crazy dream thing and ending up in here with some Irish bloke and a Pokémon then, well, it probably _is_. Whoever it is.

SchmEthan: WELL, just to check … ***Pokes mysterious beard again* **

Mysterious figure: GERROFF –

_*****__**Still going...**__** un-ceases to exist***_

_Maybe...__: Well THAT was bloody fun!_

_SchmEthan: Of course it was. Now if you would be so kind as to eat this legally binding sandwich. __***Makes sandwich happen***_

_Nope, definitely not__: __***Peers at sandwich* **__Is there tuna in it?_

_Jinxy: __***Burps a tuna-y smell***_

_Wait...__: __***Smells tuna-y smell***_

_SchmEthan: __***Hires new asterix man, as the other retires from boredom***_

_***Absolutely nothing happens in the cave for 5 minutes and 46 seconds***_

_SchmEthan: What is this all about?_

_Jinxy: I've no idea. _

_Donna!__: Will someone PLEAEAEAEAEAEAEAEAEASE pay attention to me! _

Jinxy: …ZOMG! IT IS!

SchmEthan: ***Points* **DONNA NOBLE!

Donna: NO! I'M STILL THE MYSTERIOUS BEARDED FIGURE!

Rory: Uhm, did you not just see the beginning of that line? Yeah, you're Donna. Whoever Donna is. Who's you.

Jinxy: I THINK that makes sense. If very little.

Mysterious Beard: OK, I'm really, REALLY fed up of this nonsense. ***packs bags* **I'm sorry, I just can't stand it. I'm going.

(Most Definitely) Donna: ... Well this is BLOODY brilliant.

Jinxy: BUTWHATAREYOUDOINGHERE?

SchmEthan: ***stares at floating space bar* **... oooh!

Donna: Well...

_Donna: __***becomes impatient and stealz ice cream* - *licks***_

_SchmEthan: __***rubs hands gleefully and gets ready to steal some cheeses***_

_Donna: __***gets a bit dizzy, then falls over and explodes with some yellow thing***_

_SchmEthan: __***disbelieved***_

_Jinxy: Well, that was weird._

_SchmEthan: ..._

_Jinxy: ..._

_SchmEthan: ..._

_SchmEthan and Jinxy: Meh._

_***SchmEthan steals cheese back and Jinxy throws Donna into the ROOMM!***_

Rory: Is this gonna happen a lot?

Jinxy: ***consults many graphs and statistics* **Long story short, yes.

SchmEthan:... What was the long story?

Jinxy: ... 'Yes, it is.'

Rory: I'm glad you spared me.

Donna: ***draws attention to self* **Y'know, I'm still pretty ANNOYED that you threw me away into here.

SchmEthan: ***cleans attention rubber on LOOKATME desk* **Yeswell. What were we SUPPOSED to do?

Donna: Oh, I dunno, 'thanks for coming, grab a mint on the way out and say hi to your granddad for us', perhaps?

SchmEthan: ...

Jinxy: SchmEthan... I'm scared... ***sniff***

SchmEthan: = O. Look what you've done to Jinxy! ***rushes over with medicinal hams***

Donna: There's more of them equals Os. They're gonna, like, INVADE or something.

Rory: YEAHS. I'm thinking maybe we should get a net and-

SchmEthan: YOU WILL DO NO SUCH THING TO MY EQUALS OS! ***hysterics* **WHY WOULD YOU? HOW COULD YOU?

Jinxy: WHAT WOULD YOU?... do if I sang out of tune.

Donna: and bah bah da bah, bah bap ah?

Jinxy: THAT'S THE ONE!

SchmEthan: ANYWAY, If YOU ended up here, the chances are that one of our other room-victims is here...

Jinxy: WE CAN HAS ADVENTURE?

SchmEthan: YES. Yes we CAN has!

Jinxy: YAAAAAYYY! ***marches away of to tune of Amarillo***

Rory: ... WHERE though?

Donna: Will there be hotdogs?

SchmEthan: IDUNNO! BUT, Jinxy has SUPER NOSE OF AWESOME! TEN times more powerful than a FLOOR MOP!

Rory: ... That DOESN'T seem very much

SchmEthan: That's what the mop WANTS you to think!

Mop: WELL THANKS! Go and blow our cover why don't you? Your floors will NEVER be clean AGAIN! ***resigns, tear in strands***

SchmEthan: NO WAIT COME BACKS! ***chases***

Donna: Should we follow him?

Rory: ...

Donna: Coffee?

Rory: OK.

_Ianto: __Where am I? Where is the coffee machine?_

***Convenient coffee shop appears* **

Donna: DOUBLE ESPRESSO NAO!

Jinxy: IS THIS THE WAY TO AMARILLO- waitwhat? ***peers around* **SchmEthan...? Rory...? Donna...? Achmed the Dead Terrorist...?

Achmed: SILENCE, I KILL YOU!

Jinxy: You startin', mate?

Achmed: ... NO CHANCE! ***scuttles away***

Jinxy: ... Where are I?

Silhouette: YOU'RE IN SURREY!

Jinxy: No, I most definitely aren't

Silhouette: ...OHSORRY!

Jinxy: ***inspects* **Why's there someone behind you?

Figure-behind-silhouette: NOWAAIITT!

Jinxy: I KNOW you...

_Jinxy: No idea... Well, how about __a different guest__?_

_SchmEthan: ..._

_Jinxy: Well? ... __***looks down to see that she is standing in Ethan's drool***_

_SchmEthan: __Difffffeeerrrreeennntttt gggguuuueeeesssssttttt__..._

Silhouette: Well, I wouldn't want to interrupt... ***sidles away***

Slightly-more-obvious-figure: ... Great.

Jinxy: WAAIIT! ***shock horror* **YOU'RE-

_Jinxy: __***reaches hand into portal* **__mmh... herr... squidge... AHA! Please welcome the very very blonde, ROSE TYLER!_

_***Male audience members and SchmEthan forcibly drool as Rose is yanked from a portal***_

_Rose: Hey! Wha' am I doin' 'ere then?_

_Jinxy: Before I tell you, could you speak in a normal voice plz?_

_Rose: Why?_

_Jinxy: Cause it's annoying to type all those apostrophes._

_Rose: Oh. OK then. ANYWAY, where am I?_

_Jinxy: You're LIVE on THE HUB SHOW!_

_Rose: Oh dear Lord._

Jinxy: ROSE TYLER!

Rose: Alright then, it's me. Go on then, arrest m-

Jinxy: ***VERY sharp object to Rose's throat* **STEAL THE DOCTOR'S HEART AAANNNDD 10.5 WOULD YOU? You can't has him ALL! WE WANT SOME!

Rose: Have you tried ASKING NICELY?

Jinxy: ... not NICELY!

Rose: Well, there you are then. THAT'S why he loves ME!

Jinxy: ... CRYING FACE! ***sobs a lot***

Rose: ... Luke.

Jinxy: heeeheeeeheeeheeeheeeeeeeee ^^

Rose: Who's that? I just had a random urge to say the name.

Jinxy: He's, uhrm, NO ONE! NOW HAND OVER TEH DOCTOR'S HEART AND 10.5!

Rose: Well, that's kinda' impossible –

Jinxy: Only the fool who tried to slam a revolving door has the right to say "impossible".

Rose: …SchmEthan at the shopping centre?

Jinxy: We were there for an hour.

Rose: That doesn't surprise me.

Jinxy: Well, come on then. I lost SchmEthan and the gang back there and we can't hang around here being beautiful 'n everything, so we best be heading back.

Rose: Well, I know that _I'm _beautiful, but I don't know about y-

Jinxy: Ohhushup. ***Seizes Rose by the arm and marches off thataway* **

_Announcer Guy: …Oh. I'm in here too? Oh kippers. Well, may as well do mai job. __***Clears throat* **__MEANWHILE…_

SchmEthan: ***Runs in and looks frantically for mop* *Finds it floating a little way ahead of him* **

SchmEthan: YOU –

Mop: I'M NOT A MOP.

SchmEthan: …But you look like a m-

Mop: NOREALLY. I'm no mop. In fact, I'm not even here. Just some more white. Nothing relatively mop like. In the slightest. Nu-huh.

SchmEthan: …

Mop: Now what have we discussed?

SchmEthan: …That there are no mops, just more white, and there's nothing relatively mop like.

Mop: ***A very expectant look that only a mop can give***

SchmEthan: OO! In the slightest!

Mop: EXCELLENT! Have a nice eternity! ***Flees* **

SchmEthan: WELL, after not having a very one-sided with a very convincing mop, where is I? And where's everyone else gone...

A-rather-strange-robotic-voice: THEY ARE HAVING COFF-EE.

SchmEthan: Oright. I suppose a coffee shop conveniently popped up?

You-know-how-strange-it-is-for-a-voice: THAT IS CORR-ECT.

SchmEthan: I suppose that makes a lot of sense. Oh, don't suppose you've seen a half Pokémon, half English girl march past singing songs that question the way to Amarillo?

This-isn't-just-a-strange-voice. This-is-an-M&S-strange-voice: NEG-A-TOR-Y.

SchmEthan: No? Oh well.

***Awkward moment* **

SchmEthan: Nice weather we're having.

SOUP: OH IS-N'T IT JUST.

***More awkward moments* **

***Awkward moments set up a small community* **

***Awkward economy is put in place* **

***Selfish awkward moment bankers steal all the money* **

***Credit crunch happens for awkward moments* **

***A lot of awkward moment bankers get blamed* **

***Northern Awkward collapse* **

***Awkward oil spillage and awkward Obama kicks ass and - * **

SchmEthan: Do I know you from somewhere?

_SchmEthan: __***Pauses in going to strangle Jinxy when a muted **__**distinct noise**__** is heard* **__What was that…_

_Jinxy: …Uh oh._

_*****__**Similar**__** sound* *Floor is blown open* ***__**Unidentified thing**__** flies out* **_

We-all-know-what-this-sounds-like: WE HAVE MET ON A PRE-VI-OUS O-CCASION.

SchmEthan: …Care to elaborate?

Any-second-now-it'll-click: PER-HAPS THE LAST EPI-SODE.

_***Hub Show cave is silent and empty* ***__**Vaguely familiar character**__** rolls in and swivels around* **_

_Nearly-there:__ LIFE FORMS DETECTED BEHIND THAT BIG SNOW FORT! _

_From behind it: DAMMIT. _

_SchmEthan and Audience: SHADDAP JINXY!_

SchmEthan: ...NO!

C'mon-c'mon: YES! I AM THE DAL-EK!

SchmEthan: …But you were such a wimp...

_Dalek: …YOU'VE HURT MY FEELINGS.  
SchmEthan: Srsly? _

_Dalek: __***Squints* **__YOU ARE IR-ISH. _

_SchmEthan: Yes, so everyone keeps saying. And Jinxy?  
Jinxy: Yuuus?_

_SchmEthan: Stop poking it with a pencil._

_Jinxy: BUT IT'S SO POKABLE. __***Continues to poke Dalek with a pencil* **_

_Dalek: __***Frowns as it's poked***_

DALEK!: I AM A COW-ARD NO LONGER! I AM THE AL-MIGHT-Y GOD OF ALL THINGS –

Jinxy's caps lock key: ***Slaps Dalek across the face* **

SchmEthan: Thank you ever so much for that. That voice in my head was getting a little hoarse from shouting a lot.

SchmEthan's inner voice: NEIGH ^^

***Drum crash* **

Dalek: …Owww. :'(

SchmEthan: Much better. ***Completely misses the mop sneaking back in to clean up the Dalek's sad face tears and fleeing again* **Now, its suddenly become very evident that we probably all need to get out of here as quickly as possible. Can that whisk of yours do anything remotely helpful?

Dalek: ***Eye stalk looks at whisk as dismally as an eye stalk can possibly get* **'Fraid not. Nothing seems to work round here. I tried exterminating a mop earlier, but –

SchmEthan: MOPS? WHERE?

Mop's voice: WHAT HAVE WE DISCUSSED?

SchmEthan: OH YEAH! There aren't any mops here. Silly Dalek-face.

Dalek: …***Briefly considers backing away a bit* **

SchmEthan: What you backing away for? C'mon, we've got to go find everyone else.

Dalek: ...But I'm fine here!

SchmEthan: Alright then. Have a nice lonely eternity! ***Strolls away, whistling* *Starts counting under breath* **Five –

Dalek: ***Rolls rather quickly after him* **Actually, er, I've changed my mind! I think I might come along with you after all!

SchmEthan: You exceeded my expectations! Well done!

Dalek: I…I did? ***Self esteem improves dramatically* **

SchmEthan: And that pepper pot makes you look chubby.

Dalek: …Oh. ***Looks about despondent as a chubby pepper pot can get* **

_Announcer Guy: No, Peggy, I absolutely completely and utterly will NOT get out of your pub! … OHSORRY. I have a part time job in EastEnders, see... Butyes. EVEN MEANWHILER..._

Donna: ***slams once-again-empty cup on the counter* **MOOOORRREEE!

Rory: Y'know, I'm a nurse. And all that caffiene is probably-

Floor: ***is ROFLed on by Donna***

Donna: You're a NURSE! HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHA CHORTLE CHORTLE CHORTLE LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL rofl. ***promply gets up* **What was that about the caf- ***immediately embarks on a ten mile run* **WE All LIVE IN A TURQUOISE BOAT...

Rory: … I'll have this coffee then? ***peers inside* *strange little glowy things* **… Must be the caramel... ***downs cup in one* **

Announcer guy: Half a second later...

Donna and Rory: ***mid ten-mile run* **IT WAS THE WINTER OF '74! ***jogging CEASES ABRUPTLY THROUGH THE USE OF THE CAPS LOCK* **

Donna: I hear some FEMALE ARGUMENTING!

Rory: ***sat down on the sofa watching the footie* **That's nice dear.

Donna: … They're argumenting about who has bigger-

Rory: ***suddenly beside Donna* **WE MUST FIND THEM! ***uses nag-radar to locate source of argumenting and speed off in said direction***

Donna: … What HAS he been eating? ***follows eye-rollingly***

_Welsh Announcer Quartet: (8) ... (8)_

_Announcer Solo: (8) NAAA NAA NAA NANANA NAAAA NANANANAAA, MEANWHILE! (8)_

Rose: I think you'll find MINE are bigger.

Jinxy: Nuh huh. Mine are DEFINITELY bigger.

Rose: You're just pushing them up to make them LOOK bigger!

Jinxy: = O. You're accusing me of having FAKES?

Rose: They HAVE to be fake. They're just TOO big for your build, y'know.

Jinxy: Feel them. THEN tell me that.

Rose: ***does so* **WOW! They ARE real! I take it all back. Yours are WAY bigger than mine! Would you get them out for me?

Jinxy: Most CERTAINLY! ***begins getting them out, but sniffs the air* **There is a MALE PRESENCE present!

Rose: WHOT? I thought it was just US in here!

Jinxy: ***ever so very cautious* **Na, there is mores of uss. Like... ***lifts cleverly-hidden-cause-everything-is-white-anyway-white blanket* **RORY! ***scowl***

Rory: CURSES! SO close!

Donna: ***meanders in* **Oh, you're about to get them out? Why don't we all! And then put on some freaky music and dance!

Rose: That's a good idea, actually! Ready?

Donna: One... ***prepares***

Jinxy: Two! ***readies***

Three: … … … Oh, my turn? Oh. OK. ME!

Rory: ***inhales deeply***

***Donna, Jinxy and Rose all get their feet out of their socks* **

Rory: … ***inhaled air shrugs and walks off* **Whot?

Jinxy: We were just wondering who had the bigger feet, see. I wins. ***smug***

Rose: But Donna, yours are quite big too!

Donna: Yeah, I get that from granddad!

Rory: Butbutbutbut... I thought you were getting out your-

Jinxy: = O RORY! ***large welly-smack across the face* **How COULDS you! Think of AMY!

Rory: A-my?

Jinxy: … Whot?

Donna: ***thinks most rather deeply* **Hold on... Rory... What is the capital of England?

Rory: E. Geddit? E? ***very ill-deserved ba-dum-tsshhh***

Donna: ***glare at ba-dum-tsshhh***

Ba-dum-tsshhh: … I felt sorry for him, ALRIGHT? ***storms off***

Donna: I see. It's alright, Jinxy, he's gone and drunk a super chocolatey chocolate esprocha cappu-tea-no extra caffeine Red Bull enhanced extra . It tends to make people forget the things most important to them and turns them into a generic, normal human being with no real morals whatsoever.

Jinxy: So THAT'S what the Doctor gave you!

Donna: The who now?

_Donna: What the HELL'S going on here?_

_SchmEthan: Well, th-_

_Jinxy: DOCTOR TARDIS DAVROS DALEKS REALITY BOMB OOD SONTARANS PUFF THE MAGIC DRAGON!_

_Donna: __***splodes***_

Jinxy: NEVAR MIND!

Rory: ***randomly convulses in the manner of a fictional character who has just been given an ice cream of certain doom***

Rose: ... is he alright?

Donna: Oh yeah, that's just him coming down from his super duper caffeine high.

Rose: ***peers at Jinxy* **You seem AWFULLY calm about this.

Jinxy: Oh, this happens to SchmEthan every five minutes or so...

Mysterious noise: … ping … ping … ping … ping …

Jinxy: ***ears prick up* **PINGPINGPINGPINGPINGPINGPING!

Rose and Donna: …

Rory: ***caffiene high ceases* **She's using Proper Inventive Noises Guidance. Or-

Donna: If you even THINK about saying that acronym, your feet will be so far up your nostrils that Paris will look like a large CACTUS!

Rory: … SHE'S TRYING TO FIND THE PINGING! ***protects nostrils from Donnafication***

Jinxy: PING! PINGPINGPING!

Mysterious noise: … ping?

Jinxy: Ping. PingPINGpingping!

Mysterious noise: pingpingPING!

Jinxy: PIIIIIIINNNNGGGG! ***trundles off into the ping-infested distance***

Donna: …

Rose: Should we follow her?

Rory: Yeahalright. ***stays ever so slightly behind Donna, quivering***

Donna: Look, I pwomise I won't touch your nostrils. Just... NO MORE CHEESY ACRONYMS! There are some REALLY silly ones which I can't seem to remember...

Rose: TARDIS and UNIT?

Donna: LET'S GO ON A 'VENTURE! = D ***skips away***

Rose: … why does this happen to EVERYONE I talk to?

Rory: ***shrugs* **I don't feel compelled to do any 'venturing.

Rose: ***subconscious glowy yellow eyes* **I am Bad Wolf.

Rory: LET'S GO ON A 'VENTURE! = D ***hops off***

Rose: … But I thought you... Never mind... ***follows***

Jinxy: ***listening and treading carefully* **! ***sprints towards pingingness***

Mysterious figures: PIIIINNNNNNGGG!

Jinxy: PING! PingpingPINGpingping.

Mysterious figures: PPIIIINNNGG! !

Jinxy: ping PING. PingPINGpingpingping. ***turns around* **pingpingpi-

Donna, Rory and Rose: ***despondent stare***

Jinxy: Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?

Rory: You're making some PRETTY WEIRD noises there...

Rose: This is even worse than normal!

_Jinxy: __***reaches hand into portal* **__mmh... herr... squidge... AHA! _

Jinxy: BUUUT! Look what I found!

***Five mysterious figures, there are.***

Donna: … And WHOT is they, exactly?

Jinxy: WELL... I DO believe THIS one is...

_SchmEthan: OKAYS! ON WITH THY SHOW!_

_Jinxy: PLEASE WELCOMES THE ONE, THE ONLY, THE VERY DEAD INDEED... TOSH SATO!_

_SchmEthan: TOSH_IKO!_!_

_Jinxy: Whatever..._

_***Tosh**_**iko**_** enters, looking rather bemused***_

_Tosh_iko:_ Wasn't I dead just there now?_

_Jinxy: __***runs away***_

_SchmEthan: __***grabs Jinxy by the rubber ring***_

_Jinxy: Eep._

Tosh_iko_: Well, yes. From the visions we all obtained through the telepathic placyback of a metaphysical past occurrence on a factor of 38572054.2, then it would indeed be determined that I am me.

Rory: Did she-

Jinxy: ***swiftly moves on* *sniff sniff* **And THIS one smells like...

_SchmEthan: So, before we begin the completely illegal super-torturing COUGHCOUGH I mean interview, I think it's time for SOMETHING RANDOM!_

_***A multicoloured Pringles tube falls from the sky before exploding in a cloud of tomatoes***_

_SchmEthan: Eckscellent! AND NOW! Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, chalks and cheeses, please welcome the lovely coughcoughyesreallycoughcough GWEN COOPER!_

_***Audience forcibly cheer and wolf-whistle as Gwen happily walks in***_

_Gwen: Hi!_

_SchmEthan: Hi!_

_Gwen: Hi!_

_Jinxy: Hi!_

_Gwen: Hi!_

_Audience: Forced hi!_

_Gwen: Hi!_

_Jinxy: ANYWAYY! SIT YOUR BOTTOM DOWN OVER THERE! __***Points to a traffic cone***_

_Gwen: What? I can't sit on that!_

_Jinxy: Sigh. Tell her, SchmEth!_

_***Tumbleweed rolls by***_

_Jinxy: SchmEthan?_

_SchmEthan: __***Dribbling uncontrollably* **__Schlphorbatryunignsifnwyou'rereallyprettyfulnciwnfurnja;n..._

_Jinxy: I see..._

Gwen: Did it HAVE to be that forcible flashback?

Jinxy: It was either that or the one where I beated you with a radiator.

_SchmEthan: Uh oh. When she's got her radiator, she means business... Yeah, you really should decide... (PICK ME, PICK ME!)_

_Gwen: Uh uh uh uh um er uh uh er um er uh uh uh uh uh hm um er he urmeu uerm uneurmuem, Rhys?_

_SchmEthan: __***Hides inside nearest audience member***_

_Jinxy: GRRRRRRRR! __***Starts foaming at the mouth***_

_Gwen: You're getting foam all over me! This is a brand new- OH NOES!_

_Jinxy: __***Bashes Gwen around the head with radiator* **__WRONG WRONG WRONG! JACK JACK JACK!_

_Gwen: EEEKKK! HEEELLLLPPP!_

_Audience member: Forcibly get off me._

Gwen: … Well, that's just great, isn't it?

Donna: ***seductive smiles* **And who's THIS boy then?

Jinxy: ***sighs and rolls eyes* **I think that would be...

J_inxy: __***Burp***__ and now…for this episode's guest…_

_SchmEthan: He's the twattiest twat in Cardiff (and anywhere else, for that matter)_

_Jinxy: OWEN HARPER!_

_***Owen is herded on by origami ducks***_

_Owen: Piss off._

Owen: You DO realise I'm dead, right?

Donna: I exploded four episodes ago.

Owen: … Dinner at six?

Donna: Love to. ***WIIINNNKKK!***

Jinxy: ENOUGH INTER-SERIES PULLING! You haven't seen THIS GUY yet...

_SchmEthan: Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, cheeses of all maturity, please give a huge __CAVE TORTURE__/HUB SHOW welcome to the one, the two, the three CAPTAIN JACK HARKNESS!_

_***Captain Jack struts into the cave and flashes a smile, causing everyone within a twenty metre radius to collapse***_

_Jack: Well, hey there! I'm Jack and I-_

_SchmEthan: Yes, yes, now could you please take a seat over here?_

_***Jack sits down, expecting a chair. Jack hovers***_

_Jack: Is there even a chair here?_

_SchmEthan: Jinxy, did you put a chair out for Jack? ... Jinxy?_

_***SchmEthan looks over to the specially designed (and possibly recurring) corner to find Jinxy swimming in her own drool (and Poffins, for some reason) from the effects of Jack's smile***_

_SchmEthan: Right... No, Jack, there isn't a chair._

_***Jack falls to the floor***_

_Jack: Thanks for that._

Jack: Well, hey there, ginge! ***flashes smile whiter than the whiteness***

Donna: … dinner's cancelled.

Owen: … bollocks.

Jinxy: LANGUAGE! D =

Tosh_iko_: Which one? Klingon?

Owen: Maybe. I haven't a CLUE what she's saying.

Gwen: Maybe it's that Star Wars one, only backwards...

Jinxy: Je pense que vous sont un peu idiot.

Owen: … whot?

Jinxy: NUFFIN!

Jack: Hey... where's Ianto?

Jinxy: ***scans the area in a fashion similar to that of a meerkat* **

Tosh_iko_: Didn't he... uh... die?

Jack: ONLY THE GOOD DIE YOUNG, IANTO! ***sniffle* **ONLY THE GOOOOOOOODD!

Jinxy: … yeah. Which means...

_Jinxy:...Shall we bury him?_

_SchmEthan:..._

_Jinxy:..._

_SchmEthan and Jinxy: NA!_

_***Both pick up coffin and hurl it into the room***_

Jinxy: He's in that coffin.

***all heads turn to the coffin, which slowly opens***

Ianto: ***yawn and stretch* **Morning! Where are we the- ***spies Jack***

Jack: ***spies Ianto***

Jack and Ianto: … ***POUNCE!***

Footage: AAAHHH! MAI EYYYEESS!

Jinxy: TURN AWAY, QUICK. Before this gets raised to an M RATING D =!

***Everyone turns away with various coughs and awkward noises as a 'Really, REALLY censored' banner is lowered***

Owen: …

Tosh_iko_: ...

Jinxy: ***pours liquid PAIN into radiator***

Gwen: You REALLY dun't need to do this, y'know. I'm happily married and-

Jinxy: I DUN'T BELIEVE YOU! ***continues radiatior preparations* **Gwen and Jack sitting in a tree-

Rose: … Excellent weather we're having, isn't it?

Rory: ***looks up into the white* **I don't think there IS any weather...

Donna: She was trying to make the AWKWARDNESS go away, idiot!

Awkwardness: She... She what?

Jinxy: ***drapes arm over awkwardness's shoulder* *is uncomfortable due to awkwardness's awkward shoulder* **There there. Them human folk don't LIKE awkwardness. ***GLARE***

Human folk: Gulp.

Awkwardness: … B-but you like me, don't you?

Jinxy: ***thinks* **… No, not really.

Awkwardness: ***lip wobble* **… WAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH! ***awkwardly slippy tears are cried***

Owen: … Well THIS is awkward.

Jinxy: ***quite literally about to nom Owen's head off when...***

SchmEthan: ! ***sails past on a Dalek***

Dalek: YOU'LL-BREAK-MY-WHISK!

SchmEthan: WWWWHHHEEEEEEEEE! ***glides towards Jack and Ianto's censoredness* **

Everyone: D = !

D equals of Donna: Oh, hello!

D equals of Gwen: I haven't seen many other D equalses before!

D equals of Rose: They don't usally let us out, see. I have to stay in my basket all the time!

D equals of Owen: That's simply TERRIBLE! He let's me sleep on his bed though.

D equals of Rory: … I HAS A PONYTAIL!

D equals of Jinxy: Well, of COURSE Rory's is mentally deranged.

***D equals tea party conference continues as the narrative cuts back to SchmEthan***

SchmEthan: O, hai, narrative! How's things these days with th- ***accidentally glimpses behind censoring curtain* **! ***starts slapping various parts of body (including eyes) to rid self of that just witnessed***

Jinxy: ***advances with the eye-bleach***

Rory: CAREFUL! It might be contagious!

Jinxy: Dun't worry, I'se immune to unseeable things.

SchmEthan: ***rolls on floor* **IT BURNS! IT !

Jinxy: It's kay, SchmEthan. It'll all be gone soon.

SchmEthan: HURRY UPP! ***contorts***

Jinxy: ***hesitates* **Maybe I'll just wait a little bit... ***malicious grinnings***

SchmEthan: JINXY, USE EYEBLEACH!

Jinxy: ***bleaches SchmEthan's eyes* **… Aww.

SchmEthan: ***bleach eats through eye flesh* **AAAaAAAAAAAHHHHHHhhhhhhhhh... Bliss...

Dalek: I-SHALL-NOW-EX-TERM-IN-ATE-OFFENDING-MEMORIES! ***suckers SchmEthan's head***

SchmEthan: SCCHLUBLIBBLEFUMNW{ERGNWEGHINW$%TOASUDBNvOIWrhtgqjergTEATIME!

Dalek: PROCESSING-MEMOR- … AAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHH! It's HORRRIIBBBBLLLEEe!

Jinxy: Sigh.

Tosh_iko_: ***uses pin to press Dalek 'reset' button***

Dalek: Welcome to Davrosoft Dalek. To enter emotion settings, press ESC.

ESC: That's right. Press me. Oh yeah.

Tosh_iko_: ***slaps ESC instead***

ESC: ... Sadbutton.

Dalek: Please indicate emotion level.

Tosh_iko_: What do we think guys?

Donna: Medium! Leave out all that love and stuff.

Rose: OH, come ON! You gotta have LOVE!

Owen: I say Cold and Heartless. Always best.

Rory: What about Best Husband Ever?

Gwen: CUTE AND CUDDLY! = D

Jinxy: What about Great Big Wimp?

Tosh_iko_: Sounds about right! ***Great Big Wimp is picked***

Dalek: Booting... Loading whisk drivers. Installing EX-TERMIN-ATE. Running eye-stalk cleaner. Done.

Dalek: Wow... THAT was weird.

Jinxy: ***raises fist in least threatening manner possible***

Dalek: OHNOESPLZDON'TKILLME! ***hides behind SchmEthan***

SchmEthan: ***groan* **What's going on?

Jinxy: You saw Jack and Ianto going at it and I bleached your eyes and then Dalek sucked the memory out of you and asploeded and now he's a wimp again.

Dalek: ***vibrating* **H-H-H-H-H-H-H-E-E-E-E-E-E-L-L-L-L-L-P-P-P-P-P M-M-M-M-M-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-EEE

SchmEthan: There there. ***Dalek teddy happens* **Everything'll be JUST fine!

Dalek: ... Snuggles yays. ***affection***

***censored curtain is torched and Jack and Ianto (fully clothed!) step from 'neath it***

Gwen: Did you two have fun in there?

Jack: MUCH fun. ***sly look at Ianto***

_SchmEthan: __***Sighs while dinging continues* **__So Jack, serious questions aside, what's it like working in Torchwood?_

_Jack: It's great! I get to fight aliens and die repeatedly and stuff! And then there's Ianto... __***Jack raises eyebrows***_

_SchmEthan: Ah, yes. I believe Jinxy has something to say about that..._

_Jinxy: __***Begins to growl***_

_Jack: What's she doing?_

_SchmEthan: __***Retreats to safe distance at top of stairs***_

_Jinxy: __***Slowly prepares to spring***_

_Jack: What's your problem...?_

_Jinxy: IIIIINNNNN THHHHEEEE NAAAAMMMEEE OOOOFFFF GWEEEEENNNN! __***Leaps on Jack, and whacks him repeatedly with conveniently placed radiator***__ WHY-DON'T-YOU-LOVE-HER?_

_***Audience forcibly laughs, cries, agrees and stands on their heads***_

_SchmEthan: CAN WE GET SECURITY BEFORE SHE RADIATORFIES OUR GUEST?_

_***Origami ducks drag Jinxy off mangled Jack***_

_Jinxy: __***Foaming at the mouth***_

_SchmEthan: __***Sighs as Jack rezzies***__ You asked for that, buddy. Our Jinxy is not a big fan of the slash._

_Jack: __***Sourly***__ I gathered that._

Ianto: SO much, that I could do it all over again. ***sly grin at Jack***

_Charlotte: __MOVING ON! What did you dream about last?_

_Ianto: __I can't say…__** *Suggestive grin***_

_Jinxy: __***Foams at the mouth* **__WHERE IS MA RADIATOR?_

_SchmEthan: __***Grin* **__Someone give Jinxy her radiator._

_Charlotte: __Why? What happens now?_

_***Radiator is thrown at Jinxy* *Audience begin to clap insane forced beat***_

_SchmEthan: __Just follow me… __***Grabs Charlotte and heads up staircase***_

_Jinxy: __***Begins to advance with scary look***_

_Ianto: __Look…I don't want any trouble…_

_Jinxy: __IIINNN TTTHHEEE NAAAMMMEE OOFFF GWWEEENNNN… AGAIN! __***Attacks Ianto* **__WHY-ARE-YOU-KEEPING-JACK-ALL-FOR-YOUR-SELF!_

_Ianto: __OW OW OOOOW!_

_SchmEthan: __***Shouts over radiator bangs* **__Jinxy is in NO WAY homophobic… she just likes Gwen better than Ianto!_

_Jinxy: __BANG BANG BANG!_

_Ianto: __OW! STOP PLEASE!_

Everyone: NOOO!

Ianto and Jack: ... fine.

SchmEthan: ***does a head-count* **Ten heads...

Jinxy: ***gets them out to use toes to count* **Eighteen hands... And a whisk and a plunger...

SchmEthan: ***abacus clacks* **Eighteen feet... and a blue floaty thing...

Dalek: You're REALLY making me feel welcome, aren't you?

Jinxy: GHASP! These numbers MEAN SOMETHING! ***crunches numbers. In teeth***

SchmEthan: ... EVERYONE WE'VE EVER THROWN INTO THE ROOM IS HERE! = O

Jinxy: ... so NOT directly proportional to the number of milkmen I've used RIDICULUS on?

SchmEthan: 'Fraid not...

Jack: But...

Owen: If this is the ROOOOMMM...

_***Something growls and bangs on door***_

_SchmEthan and Jinxy: Oooh dear…_

_***SchmEthan and Jinxy try and shove the door closed as thing tries to break free***_

_Jinxy: NYYYAAAHHHH!_

_SchmEthan: COULD WE GET SECURITY PLEASES?_

Rose: That means...

Tosh_iko_: That we aren't the ONLY things in here...

_***Paper ducks charge in and open the door wide* *Thing inside roars as Jinxy and SchmEthan hurl Ianto into its depths***_

_Ianto: __GLARPLE!_

_***Door is slammed shut***_

Donna: Because there's something else...

Ianto: And it ain't cute and cuddly...

Rory: ... why is everyone speaking in short, dramatic phrases, all interlinked? And why don't I know about this... thing?

SchmEthan: Well, you haven't actually MET it yet.

Jinxy: Neither have we, so IT'S ALL GOOD!

Rory: Not YET... But I've a feeling we're ABOUT to...

***all turn around to see the whiteness turning black***

Rose: Are those... books it's holding?

***shadowy, book-weilding figure steps forward***

Jinxy: NO! D =

SchmEthan: It's CAN'T BE!

Apocalyptic Thing: COUUURRRSSSEEEWWWOOORRKKK!

Tosh_iko_: ***little wrist compooter beepings* **High levels of intellect and reading...

Jack: Looks kinda tired... MIGHT not get along well with kids.

Owen: The eyes are a bit strained... Staring at stuff all day, that.

Rory: Look at those... wrist things. That's a lot of writing there.

Donna: It's...

Ianto: It's...

Rose: Plankton...

***editorial moment-ruining glare***

Rose: ...It's...

Thing: HAVE. YOU. DONE. YOUR. HOMEWORK?1

Everyone: EVERY SINGLE ENGLISH TEACHER ON THE PLANET!

Englishzilla: The Hub Show. In SCRIPT form. And with the WORST spelling and punctuation in ANY literature we've seen. THAT'S what's kept us in here all this time. THAT'S what always makes us so stressed and angry when we're in class. THE HUB SHOW MUST DIE!

Dalek: ! ***hides behind an impenetrable Jinxy***

Jinxy: IT'S KAYS. We're in SCRIPT form. It's POWERLESS against us.

Englishzilla: ***grin* **BUT WE HAVE SOMETHING THAT WILL HELP US!

***cage is flung forward with someone inside***

SchmEthan: OH NO!

Jinxy: NOT YOU!

_***Some tap shoes protrude from the corner, spraying anti-mosquito spray all over the noodles, making the Italian chefs very angry who subsequently start to warble, causing the Arc du Triumph to turn into a walnut***_

_SchmEthan: What are you talking about, new asterisk man? That's just a load of completely random nonsense! We'll have NONE of that on this show. Am I right, Jinxy?_

_Jinxy: __***stops chewing on the wooden tablecloth and smashes a priceful Ming vase over a confused hamster, who turns into a stripy filing cabinet*. **__Right you are, SchmEthan! No random nonsense at- __***is distracted by a flying tuba* **__SHIIIINNNNYYYY! __***chases it***_

_SchmEthan: Point proven. Off you go!_

_***Asterisk Man runs away crying and is replaced by the old one again***_

_SchmEthan: What have you got for us then?_

_***Some tap shoes protrude from the corner, spraying anti-mosquito spray all over the noodles, making the Italian chefs very angry who subsequently start to warble, causing the Arc du Triumph to turn into a bicycle***_

_SchmEthan: MUUUUUCH better!_

Asterisk Man: HEEELLLPPP!

Jinxy: But... We can't keep this script form up without you! Sobs. NOOOEEESSS! I can't even sob.

SchmEthan: Sniffle. This is TERRIBLE!

Englishzilla: AND NOW. We're going to take this to a place where WE WILL CRUSH YOU!

SchmEthan: ... what?

Jinxy: W-where are we going?

Englishzilla: ***plugs in Hub Show to asterisk man* **WE'RE GOING INTO PROSE! ***pulls a huge, overdramatic lever. Asterisk Man is zapped and the world starts spinning***

Jack: HOLD ON EVERYONE! ***slams big red emergency button***

***whitelightland starts rumbling as OLDTARDIS materialises***

***OLDTARDIS opens to reveal Kiarra-Chan and 10.5 behind Ten***

Kiarra-Chan: HAI ***G – **she spluttered and coughed for a second – Wait, WHAT?

Ten: COME ON! ***whacks console* **GET IN!

Mop: I'm getting out of here! ***picks up Dalek on way***

Dalek: There'snoplacelikehome,there'snoplacelikehome...

***Mop and Dalek are mopped safely inside OLDTARDIS***

***more rumblings***

Silhouette: Jeez, it's a bit loud in here... Coming, Rose?

Rose: Yeah... ***is narrowly missed by a falling piece of white* **Piggyback?

Silhouette: Sigh. ***Piggybacks Rose inside OLDTARDIS***

Rory and Donna: ***start glowing really quite yellowy* **What the- ***Huoned into OLDTARDIS***

Jinxy: ***rushes towards **the OLDTARDIS, with great haste. "I'm COOOMMIINNGGG!

***OLDTARDIS FADES* **

Ten: It won't STABILISE! C'mon, c'MO-

***gone***

Just then, a TARDIS that was of a slightly lighter **blue appears***

***Eleven and Amy poke out* **

The eleventh Doctor called out to his friends. "Hurry up AND GET IN THE TARDISS!

Jack: EVERYBODY GRAB HOLD!

SchmEthan:** *sprints towards Jack* **WAIT FOR MEH!

***Tosh**_**iko, **_**Owen, Gwen **and Ianto all complied with Jack, panicking as they did so. The team **teleports away* *SchmEthan runs into where they used to be* **DDAAAMMIIITTT!

Eleven: "Given that the world is collapsing, you might want to get a move on..." suggested the Doctor, who had no idea that Owen was behind him, **pokes the console* **NO, DUN'T TOUCH THAT!

***TARDIS DISAPPEARS***

SchmEthan: Oh noes...

Jinxy ran over beside her co-host, panic setting in fast. "We're the only ones left, SchmEth."

"I know," admitted SchmEthan. BRACE YOURSELF!

***THE WHITELAND SPINS **around and around at a dizzying speed, all the while **rumbling and twisting. SchmEthan closes his eyes and screams like a little girl **and Jinxy could do nothing but grit her teeth and glare at the **ENGLISHZILLA, LAUGHING MANIACALLY. **The pair **thrown to the ground **as the world finally settled itself into prose.

SchmEthan carefully opened one eye. It was still. The world was still as emptily white as it always had been, although he thought the colour was a lot more defined. Jinxy managed to break her glare with the Englishzilla, stood up and stared at her co-host.

"W-why do I not get introduced when I talk?" asked Jinxy, worriedly. "Wait, I was mentioned AFTER?"

SchmEthan sighed and held his head in his hands. "That's what happens in prose, Jinxy. You only get a mention if it's needed. And there won't be any more excessive punctuation or misspelling for effect or anything like that. We're stuck in sensible literature.

Jinxy looked confused, and a little horrified. "So we can't just do whatever we like, either?"

Her co-host solemnly shook his head. "I'm afraid not. It's difficult to describe these things in prose. The asterisk man did a good job, but..." The Irishman looked up to the cage to reveal a bold font, a pile of asterisks and a pool of fresh narrative where his beloved Asterisk Man used to be. A tear came to his eye as the full extent of the situation dawned upon him.

The Englishzilla gave a low chuckle as they advanced on the presenting duo. Now that they were in prose, they could gaze upon the true, fully described form of the beast for the first time. It looked like a rather large human being dressed in a cocktail of Tweed suits, slightly sickening dresses and the occasional shawl, but with a few differences. Where the eyes should be, there only existed a pair of glasses. There was a multitude of arms, each of which carrying a pen or some paper. It looked as if it had been tired and stressed all its life. Which wasn't hard to imagine, given that it was an embodiment of every single stresshead on the planet. "At last," it spat. "Real English literature." It spoke in a clearly enunciated tone, with an upperclass feel. It sounded like there was more than one voice contained within it, as there were many beings within that one.

The abomination started pacing, grinning all the while. "Now that your precious asterisks are gone and there is a _distinct_ lack of narrative indicators, your show will be terrible! Nobody will read it, it shall be removed from FanFiction and we shall be free to give coursework to anyone we choose!" The stereotypical maniacal laughter that evil villains usually like to utter resonated from the nothingness around them. It was an oppressing sound. It tore against SchmEthan's eardrums with a pain that he had never been able to describe before. He started to sob a little, wondering what would become of him now.

Jinxy sighed at this. "There there. At least this ham's nice." She took a large bite of a rather large chunk of ham, steaming with succulent flavour and as juicy as fruit.

SchmEthan sniffed the air and looked up at the mention of the snack. "Where did you get that?"

The Pokémon thought for a moment. "I just sort of... wanted it to be there. And it was."

SchmEthan looked utterly bewildered for a second, before realising why this was possible. "We're IN prose... We're IN sensible literature... But it doesn't mean we ARE sensible literature!" He shot up off the floor and grabbed his co-host by the shoulders. "We may be confined to nice descriptions and these strange double apostrophe things, but we've still got the über-groovy randomness inside us."

The Englishzilla looked up from its plans to dominate the playground when it heard the mention of über. "Über is not a true English word!" The creature roared, soaking SchmEthan in a thick film of grammatical correctness.

Jinxy finished eating the ham, licking her fingers to draw the last of the tender taste from the meal. "So if we _really _want something, it'll happen?"

SchmEthan smirked. "Oh, it won't just _happen, _it'll happen with such an _excellent_ description that it would have enough power to, say, defeat an Englishzilla!"

SchmEthan wiped off the grammatical correctness with the squeegee he had just found. The pair high-fived, and turned to meet their adversary, which had stood up to meet their gazes. Stood up slowly, since, more often than not, English teachers had bad backs. When it finally reached its tallest, it gave an almighty roar, akin to the roar of 'where's your homework?' most common to these teachers.

SchmEthan jogged on the spot while Jinxy did a few stretches, before striking completely unnecessary karate poses. They looked at each other, gave a confirming nod and turned back to their captor. "Prepare to be randomed!"

Jinxy was first. She conjured up a notice reading that there were to be no further tea-breaks for English teachers and that the students were permitted to eat all of the remaining biscuits in the English department. The notice was complete with a rather authentic-looking signature. It was an excellent move, coming as quite a blow to the Englishzilla, who howled in pain and clutched its head, dropping a few pencils in doing so. Although it eventually regained its footing, and opened a copy of "The Hundred Most Invigorating Poems of the Twenties" which nobody had read in quite a while. Moths immediately flew out from the pages and devoured the notice, cancelling out Jinxy's attack.

It was SchmEthan's turn to step up to the beast. He set about describing the worst tea and coffee famine the world had ever seen. The crops were dying. The stored goods were going off all too fast. The only way to stop such a famine was to ban English teachers from drinking these beverages until the crisis had been averted. It was such a believable performance that even Jinxy started to mourn the loss of her tea.

The Englishzilla clutched its throats as they dried out almost immediately from the effects of the famine. It was a strong blow to the abomination, but it wasn't good enough. The Englishzilla described an amendment to the ban, by explaining that builders were found to consume a great deal more tea and coffee than English teachers, and so the ban was transferred to them. Once again, the duo had been bested.

In a last ditch effort, the pair conjured up a pile of banana skins, a rake on the floor and a falling grand piano to try and finish off the beast. Unfortunately, the Englishzilla just smirked, stepped straight through the banana skins, over the rake and into the grand piano without so much as a scratch.

Jinxy smacked herself in the forehead. "Of course," she realised. "English teachers don't _appreciate _slapstick. It's hopeless!" The Pokémon fell to the floor, sobbing uncontrollably.

SchmEthan fought back tears at the Hub Show being lost forever. He tried to console her, but he knew it was useless. They were finished.

The Englishzilla couldn't help but laugh. "Is that it? We expected _much _more from the pair of you. But, if that is indeed all you have, we shan't complain!" It continued laughing as SchmEthan sunk to his knees beside his co-host.

"If only it weren't so big..." suggested the Irishman, turning to Jinxy. "How could we make it smaller?"

Suddenly, and idea formed in Jinxy's mind. "Wait... there must be..." She started counting on her fingers, but gave up after ten. "...loads of English teachers in that thing. And what's the one topic they never agree on?"

After around five minutes of thinking, the answer finally dawned upon SchmEthan. "Ohhhh!"

The pair whispered to each other, carefully planning the demise of their foe, who was too busy scolding second years to care. When the plotting was over, Jinxy moped up towards the Englishzilla. "Alright. You win. We'll take the Hub Show off FanFiction." She gave a convincing sigh, for effect.

The thing smirked. "That's what we like to see! Hurry up then, we don't want to be stuck here forever!"

"But before I do..." the Pokémon continued. "I just want to ask one question. Y'know, for the readers. Just to let them know that such an excellent creature has bested us."

Pride swept across the Englishzilla as it replied, "Well, anything for the adoring fans! What would you ask of us?"

Jinxy turned, and winked to SchmEthan, who winked back, standing ready at Asterisk Man's cage. She turned back to face her fear and spoke the four most powerful words in literature.

"What's your favourite book?"

Slightly surprised at the question, the Englishzilla looked like it could answer with ease. "Well, that's a simple question! And the simple answer would be swdhglwigrseiurhgeu." The beast was taken aback by its own voice, which sounded like millions of different opinions in the one word.

Jinxy grinned. It was working. "Sorry, I didn't quite catch that..."

The Englishzilla was angry now. "I said lashflwuihgkwujg! Woieurhlihrg! Kjfhsaodfiepwrtkwjel!" The beast began arguing with itself over which book it's millions of entities favoured the most. The beast contorted and emulsified and... globbed. It looked like it would have exploded at any minute, so Jinxy, her work complete, ran back to SchmEthan, who had described some goggles for the pair. They ducked behind the cage as the abomination pulled and pulled at itself until it finally exploded in a mass of prose and red pen and A*s, as it never seemed to give any in class. As SchmEthan and Jinxy lifted themselves above the cage all they could see for miles was English teachers. And then, the second phase began.

"OK, Jinxy, we REALLY need to put our backs into this. Imagine him as _much _as you can. Ready?" SchmEthan held his hands to the bars of the cage, closely followed by Jinxy.

"Ready," she uttered, closing her eyes and dreaming of the one person who could save them all.

SchmEthan's eyes were tight shut as he remembered. Remembered his time in script form and how it was possible...

_***Some tap shoes protrude from the corner, spraying anti-mosquito spray all over the noodles, making the Italian chefs very angry who subsequently start to warble, causing the Arc du Triumph to turn into a walnut***_

_SchmEthan: What are you talking about, new asterisk man? That's just a load of completely random nonsense! We'll have NONE of that on this show. Am I right, Jinxy?_

_Jinxy: __***stops chewing on the wooden tablecloth and smashes a priceful Ming vase over a confused hamster, who turns into a stripy filing cabinet*. **__Right you are, SchmEthan! No random nonsense at- __***is distracted by a flying tuba* **__SHIIIINNNNYYYY! __***chases it***_

_SchmEthan: Point proven. Off you go!_

_***Asterisk Man runs away crying and is replaced by the old one again***_

_SchmEthan: What have you got for us then?_

_***Some tap shoes protrude from the corner, spraying anti-mosquito spray all over the noodles, making the Italian chefs very angry who subsequently start to warble, causing the Arc du Triumph to turn into a bicycle***_

_SchmEthan: MUUUUUCH better!_

Jinxy grasped the bars tightly as she recalled all her adventures and how they were created...

_Jinxy: Ooh Kiarra-Chan…?_

_***Red eyes glow from corner* *Rope drops down* *Kiarra-Chan slides down it so she's upside down* *Asterisk Man gets bored of his job***_

_Jinxy: You ready?_

_Kiarra-Chan: Ready._

_Jinxy and Kiarra-Chan: ATTACK!_

_Announcer dude: Oh… __***Winces as Doctor is lost in a sea of Jinxies and one Kiarra-Chan* **__Oh dear._

The pair made one final mental push to regain the only thing that mattered...

_***Keyboard music***_

_SchmEthan: We've already had that, Asterisk Man. _

_***: … *Ominous bagpipes***_

As one, with the memories and poor descriptions in their heads, they both cried, "ASTERISK MAN!"

Asterisks began swirling around the cage as a figure slowly built up inside it. It was completely indescribable and, when he finally solidified, he looked towards the presenting duo. "***waves***" he said cheerily.

"Asterisk Man!" Jinxy exclaimed, overjoyed at the man who was standing in front of her.

"We've missed you!" yelled SchmEthan, teary eyed in the face of the miracle.

"***is loved* *looks behind* *points to mass of English teachers***" said Asterisk Man.

"Oh yes, them!" SchmEthan rubbed his hands with glee. "Do."

"Your." Jinxy chipped in.

"Worst."

Asterisk Man was silent for a moment. "***eyebrows furrow* *hands in the air* *concentrates hard***"

SchmEthan and Jinxy decided it would probably be best if they closed their eyes.

"***melts bars of cage***"

Indeed, as he said this, the cage's bars melted clean away.

"***sends giant sheepdog after teachers***"

Suddenly, a giant sheepdog ran from the whiteness and rounded up all the teachers into a small, screaming bundle.

"***traps teachers in huge washing basket***"

A shadow was cast from above as a huge washing basket fell upon the teachers, trapping them hopelessly.

"***massive vacuum cleaner sucks teachers away***"

Indeed, said massive vacuum cleaner came along and sucked up every last English teacher into its baggy depths. That was it. The Englishzilla was no more.

SchmEthan and Jinxy plucked up the courage to open their eyes and look around them. There was nothing. The Englishzilla had gone. The only thing remaining, aside from themselves, was Asterisk Man, being nothing, as usual. The pair ran up to the entity and gave him a huge hug. "Thank you so much!" sniffled SchmEthan "You've saved us. And the Hub Show!"

Jinxy became teary eyed. "All my ham is safe, thanks to you!"

After a prolonged bear hug, SchmEthan and Jinxy began to yawn. All the excitement had made them sleepy. Soon, they had drifted off into a deep slumber. Asterisk Man crouched down beside them. But something was different. He was no longer shapeless. Nor formless. He was beginning to look more and more like a giant face. "About time I got you home," he whispered.

And then, SchmEthan and Jinxy, along with the Face of Boe, were gone.

Announcer Guy: a BIT of a while later...

SchmEthan: ***groan***

Jinxy: ***mumble***

Fireman Sam: ***chopsticks***

***SchmEthan sits up, followed by Jinxy***

Jinxy: It's a bit dark...

SchmEthan: Whu-

***Lights flick on and Owen, Tosh**_**iko**_**, Gwen, Ianto, Jack, Donna, Rose, Rory, 10.5, Ten, Eleven and Dalek are waiting with a huge cake and a banner that says 'You saveded the Hub Show'***

Everyone: SURPWISE!

Jinxy: = O I LOVE surpwises! Much better than those surprises, y'know.

SchmEthan: ... Wow, guys. I never realised you cared about us THAT much!

Owen: Well, we don't really.

Donna: We just needed an uplifting end to the story, y'know.

Gwen: After all the things you've done to us.

Tosh_iko_: Brought us back from the dead, only to kill us again.

Jack: Making us eat REALLY QUITE CONVULSVE ice creams.

Rose: It's not nice, really.

Ten: When was the last time YOU TWO had your clothes ripped off by an American fangirl?

10.5: Or got mistaken for David Tennant.

Amy: I had to spend four to six weeks in a cardboard box because of you two!

Ianto: I had to get put in the room TWICE!

Eleven: Jinxy almost digested me, for goodness sake!

Dalek: They were quite nice to me, actually...

Everyone else: ***super glare at Dalek***

Dalek: ... SHE POKED ME WITH A PENCIL!

***Everyone looks expectedly towards Kiarra-Chan, who is stuffing her face with cake* **

Kiarra Chan: Dun't ask me. I'm just here for the food. ***Nomnomnom* **

Everyone: BETTER! ***super glare diverted to SchmEthan and Jinxy***

SchmEthan: ... run?

Jinxy: Got it in one.

***SchmEthan and Jinxy flee while being chased by entire cast of Hub Show, armed with zappy guns, whisks, pointy sticks, a huge cake and quite a LOT of rage***

Asterisk Man: And that's the way the pineapple rotates... Ahem. See you all next time... ***Face of Boeifies away***

**_WELL THERE YOU ARE THEN. But thats not the end. Oh no. We've got much more to go. REVIEW, MY PRETTIES! REVIEW!_**


	15. Of a SUPER DUPER AWESOME UPDATE!

***Jinxy and SchmEthan see everyone out of the cave after that merry game of chase. With that cattle prod* **

SchmEthan: BAI EVERYONE! ***Wave* **

Jinxy: SAFE JOURNEY HOME! ***Slams door* *Leans against it and slides down so she's sitting on the floor with a sigh of relief* **Well _that _was different...

SchmEthan: ***Joins co-host on the floor* **I dunno' about you, Jinxy, but I think I've had enough random for a life time…

***Both look at each other* **

Both: …LOL JK! ***Hai five* **

Jinxy: There's BOUND to be some reviews from our awesome audience after _that _fiasco!

SchmEthan: LETS GO LOOK AT THE 'PUTER!

***Both skip away, and soon start arguing about who gets the spinny chair* *A little while later, a compromise is reached – Jinxy gets the spinny chair while SchmEthan gets the boring one. Obviously* **

Jinxy: …It doesn't look like there are any reviews yet…

SchmEthan: ***Peers* **…There'll be some in a sec. Maybe they got held up by a cow on the lines.

Jinxy: Probably. ***Sits back and twiddles with thumbs***

SchmEthan: ***Bites fingernails* **

_***An hour later* **_

SchmEthan: Maybe it was a really big cow.

Jinxy: With six tentacles.

SchmEthan: Of course. That must be it.

_***A day later* **_

Jinxy: I'm hhhhuunnnggrrry, SchmEth...

SchmEthan: ***Stomach rumbles* **Give it another hour Jinxy. There's bound to be a review then.

Jinxy: …Kay… ***Curls up in spinny chair* **

_***A week later* **_

Jinxy: ***Weakly* **I don't think they're gonna' review SchmEthan…

SchmEthan: …I think you're right…** *Dives out of chair and aims for the kitchen* **

Jinxy: ***Staggers along behind* **WHY DIDN'T THEY REVIEW?

SchmEthan: ***Kicks down kitchen door* **I DON'T KNOW – I just –

Jinxy: ***Walks into co-host at the sight of a little red haired girl sat at the table* **

Amelia Pond: Hello? Can you help me? I wondered into here through the crack in my wall and my aunt always says that I should always ask an adult if I get lost…

***Jinxy and SchmEthan stare* **

Amelia: …Are you going to help me?

***Jinxy and SchmEthan slowly give each other an evil look***

*Camera cuts out*

…  
…

…

…

*Static*

***Bzzt* *Bzzzt* *BZZZZZTTT***

_***Hand held camera comes through the static* *Camera is pointing at the floor – crackling can be heard as someone slips their hand through the strap* **_

_SchmEthan's voice: You got it? _

_Jinxy's voice from behind the camera: Got it. _

_***Camera swings round to Amelia Pond tied to a chair* *Struggles until a pair of hands come out from the darkness and are laid on her shoulders* *SchmEthan's face comes into view* **_

_SchmEthan: We weren't very happy at the amount of reviews we got for the last episode. The amount being next to none. And "not very happy" meaning, we're annoyed. Very. __***Releases Amelia's shoulders and begins to pace* **__The one episode we __**think **__about, the one that took __**months **__to write and was thrown between us on Skype with wild suggestions. The one episode with __**prose**__…nothing. No reviews. Nothing at all. __***Stops and looks directly into camera* **__So here's what we want you to do. _

_***The camera lurches as a radiator is thrown from behind it* *Misses Amelia by an inch, who flinches***_

_SchmEthan: We want you to go back to the anniversary speshul, and we want you to give the best review you've ever given. If you don't, the consequences will be simple, but deadly. __***Walks back so he's behind Amelia and places his hands back on her shoulders* *Amelia wrenches herself away bravely* **__If you don't review…we'll __**interview **__Amelia. The randomest interview we've ever given. She won't be able to cope. The end result might get messy.__***Jinxy laughs behind camera* *Camera wheels around so Jinxy stares up into it* **_

_Jinxy: REVIEW, REVIEW, REVIEW! __***Camera lurches back to the chair with the co-host's hysterical evil laughter ringing about the room* *Amelia starts to cry***_

__

_**Take all the time you want.  
But little Amelia's waiting.  
We're waiting.**_

_***CACKLE* **_


	16. Of Christmas Times and Lemsip Beards

_**Take all the time you want.  
But little Amelia's waiting.  
We're waiting.**_

_***CACKLE***_

SchmEthan: ***clicks camera off* **There, that should do it.

Amelia: ***sniffle sniffle* **W-what are you going to do to me?

Jinxy: ***looks at Amelia with a smile* **Oh, don't worry. We're not ACTUALLY going to interview you. That'd be illegal in... SchmEth?

SchmEthan: ***emergency pencil and notebook* *quick calculations and muttering* **Nine continents and a cherry on top.

Jinxy: ... Probably. So don't worry, we-

***faint noises heard***

Amelia: ***very quite scared* **... No really, what are you going to me?

SchmEthan: ... That's not us.

Jinxy: ***ear to the floor* **ONE THOUSAND AND TWENTY A MILLIONPRINTER CARTRIGES COMING FROM A NORTH BANANALERYLY DIRECTION!

SchmEthan: ... ***listens* **It's an angry mob chanting.

Jinxy: ***clicks fingers* **Forgot to carry the two.

Amelia: What do they want?

SchmEthan: ***walks over to window* *opens curtains* *LIGHT***

Jinxy: MMYYYY VVVIIITTTAAAALLLL OOORRRRGGGAAAANNNSSS! ***attempts to shield body with hands* *cocktail umbrellas sprout***

Umbrella 1: ... Turbulence?

Umbrella 2: Verily.

SchmEthan: Oh. Sorry. ***superduper Jinxy light shield yes* **Better?

Jinxy: ***perfectly fine* **Much.

SchmEthan: ***peer* **... Jinxy?

Jinxy: ***stops knitting caramel* **Mmm?

SchmEthan: Correct me if I'm wrong, but does "What do we want? Amelia's interview! What do we want to do with it? Read it, silly!" mean what I think it does.

Jinxy: Probablies. Unless it means 'rub this lamp and I shall grant you seven dwarves'.

Amelia: ... PLEASE let it be that D =

SchmEthan: Your D equals won't save you now...

D equals: ... I'm not THAT scared!

Jinxy: ***inhale***

D equals: AHH DON'T HURT ME GETTITOFF! ***flee***

SchmEthan: Something tells me we'd better go and see...

Jinxy: Hop along, Amelia!

Amelia: ... ***glare* *hop hop hop***

***SchmEthan, Jinxy and Amelia hop outside to be greeted by an angry mob and signs saying 'Interview Amelia', 'We didn't review, dammit' and 'Can anybody tell me why I'm here? No? Alright then.'***

Mob: WE CAME HERE FOR AN INTERVIEW AND THAT'S WHAT WE WANT!

SchmEthan: ***points to script* **We're being written here, so TECHNICALLY, you're all under audience bylaw custardy three.

Mob: ... WE FORCIBLY CAME HERE FOR A FORCIBLE INTERVIEW AND THAT'S WHAT WE FORCIBLY WANT!

SchmEthan: ***rolls arm forward***

Mob: ... Force.

SchmEthan: Better.

Jinxy: BUTBUTBUT! ***drags Amelia forward* **S'AMELIA! Look at her cute likkle face. And her gingeryness. And her fweckles.

Mob: ***look***

Amelia: ***cute***

Mob: !

SchmEthan: ... Should we? ***looks at Amelia sorrily***

Jinxy: I don't think we have a choice... ***also looks***

Amelia: ... But...

SchmEthan: ***Looks out at mob* **I hope you're happy.

Mob: Oh yes.

Jinxy: Do you know what you're doing?

Mob: Completely. Get on with it.

SchmEthan: You're making us _interview _her.

Mob: …Yeah, we know.

Jinxy: Her life'll never be the same again.

Amelia: Well THAT was a given…

Mob: Couldn't agree more.

Jinxy: You _monsters_.

Mob: ***Makes popcorn* **C'mon, hurry it up.

SchmEthan and Jinxy: …

Amelia: PLEASE! NO! D:

SchmEthan: If I had twenty tellies in that chav there, how many snowmen have been stolen in the past hour?

Amelia: …I don't know all my numbers yet… D':

SchmEthan: …Just the one… ***Quietly prods with a rake* **

Mob: ***AMUSED* **

Amelia: …***Quietly starts to cry* **

SchmEthan: …JINXY I CAN'T! ***SOB* **

Jinxy: ***Squeezes SchmEthan's shoulder before stepping forward* *Deep breath* **If there were untold socks in David Bowie's eyes, and –untold Christmas cushions on the floor, then how many 8910s in that big box falling from the sky?

Amelia: …Sixteen… ***Shuffles out the way* **

SchmEthan: …Three, actually. ***Throws a salmon in Amelia's general direction* **Jinxy…get out of the way…

Jinxy: Such a purty box… ***Pupils grow wide as box gets closer to ground* **

SchmEthan: …Jinxy...

Jinxy: …So…heavy…

SchmEthan: …JINXY! ***Darts forward and hauls her out of the way before big box lands SMACKBANG in the midst of the Mob, who barely have time to gather their placards together before being squished* **

Jinxy: ***Blinkblink* **…WHY DIDN'T YOU LET ME GET SQUISHED?

SchmEthan: BECAUSE WHERE ELSE WOULD I FIND A HALF POKEMON WHO HAS AN ENOUGH OF AN OBSESSION WITH DAVID TENNANT?

Jinxy: BUT I WANTED TO BE SQUISHED!

SchmEthan: THAT'S BECAUSE YOU'RE QUITE SILLY, BITCH.

Jinxy: …SURELY you just didn't go there.

SchmEthan: Oh yes. I went there, bought the shirt, and came back. See?** *Points at shirt* **

Shirt: I went there and all I could afford was this lousy T-Shirt, buthey, I've proved a point.

Jinxy: …Bitch.

SchmEthan: Bitchbag.

Jinxy: Bitchcruiseliners.

SchmEthan: BitchCEO.

Jinxy: DAVID CAMERON'S BITCH!

SchmEthan: … ***HISS* **

Jinxy: COME ON THEN! :3

***CATFIGHT INVOLVING KITCHEN ITEMS***

Amelia: …I don't think my life can get any weirder.

***A very sudden and magical advent calendar appears with a batch of freshly grown mugs under one arm and NOWTTOSEEHERE under the other and a beard of diced Lemsip* **

Amelia: …Oh no wait.

Very sudden and magical advent calendar: I'M HERE TO GRANT YOU THREE WISHES!

Amelia: OH HOW CONVENIENT! Well, how 'bout I wish to be as _far _away from here as possible?

Very sudden and magical advent calendar: SPLIT UP THESE TWO CO HOSTS AND TEACH THEM THE ERROR OF THEIR WAYS IN THIS FESTIVE SEASON? OF COURSE!

Amelia: …No, that's not what I wished at all –

Very sudden and magical advent calendar: NOWNOWTHISISN'TON! ***Hauls SchmEthan and Jinxy apart* **

Jinxy: HE STARTED IT!

SchmEthan: ONLY 'COZ SHE REFERRED TO ME AND DAVID CAMERON IN THE SAME SENTENCE!

Jinxy: AND THEN I FINISHED IT BECAUSE SCHMETHAN'S A BIG GIRL'S BLOUSE.

Big girl's blouse: I'M NOT BIG I'M BEAUTIFUL! ***Flies away in tears* **

Very sudden and magical advent calendar: ***Holds spitting and hissing SchmEthan and Jinxy apart even more* **Now this just isn't on. Don't you know what time it is? ITS CHRISTMAS TIME!

SchmEthan: ***Looks sharply* *Nearby air is cut by how sharp the look is* **Christmas time?

Jinxy: ***Nearby air bleeds to death as she looks around sharply too*** Present time?

SchmEthan: Turkey time?

Jinxy: Pudding time?

Mr T: HAMMER TIME.

***SchmEthan and Jinxy look at each other* **

Together: Whipped cream time?

Very sudden and magical advent calendar: Well, yes, but you seem to have missed the point completely…

SchmEthan: JINXYI'MSORRYLETSGETTHISGUY!

Jinxy: WOWI'MSORRYTOOLETSRIPHIMTOBITS!

Very sudden and magical advent calendar: …Why are you looking at me like OH GOD MY FACE! ***Howls in pain as Jinxy and SchmEthan rip open all his doors and scoop out goodies* **STOP IT PLEASE OH GOD THE PAIN MY ORGANS THEY'RE RIPPING OUT MY ORGANS MY VERY LIFE FORCE OH WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME SOMEONE PLEASE MAKE IT - ***Falls silent as Jinxy rips the cardboard into tiny bits with teeth* *SchmEthan gobbles all the chocolate* **

SchmEthan: Up for some decorating and Christmas fun, Jinxy?

Jinxy: ***Paws at pieces of cardboard* **I should think so.

***Co hosts run off giggling as a big cloud zooms up, dumps a lot of snow and zooms off again* **

Amelia: ***Gets snowed on* **…HALP? D:

_Announcer Guy: __***Chugs back eggnog* **__And the bells are ringing out…for Christmas…grraaahhh. __***Falls under table***_***Christmas lights twinkle merrily around the Hub Show cave* *Audience huddle together under the tinsel haphazardly thrown over them* *SchmEthan drags in a tree while dressed in many items of warm clothing* **

SchmEthan: GOT US A TREE. =3

Jinxy: ***From fireplace* **TAKE OFF YOUR EARMUFFS YOU'RE SHOUTING AGAIN!

SchmEthan: …OH YEAH! ***Takes off earmuffs* **Forgot about these. ***Sniff* **GOT US A TREE THOUGH =3

=3: Er, actually, _I _was the one who got the tree…

Mr Axe: NO IT WAS ME AHA HAHAHAHA THE TREE IT SCREAMED AS IT FELL THE BLOOD WAS ON MY SKIN OH YES KILLING TREES I'M GOING TO KILL THEM ALL AHA AHAHAHA **HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! *Is hastily put away by SchmEthan* **

Tree: I'll have you know that I wasn't screaming and even if I was I would have a perfectly good reason to I was doing an awfully good job as a tree in that forest and not only was I being a good tree I was also helping the environment by absorbing all those terrible nasty greenhouse gasses that you lot keep complaining about and if you want to protect the ice caps so much why are you cutting us all down its not that fair and don't you want Earth's children to live in a wonderfully green environment you've got to think about the future generations and when they say granddad we love you for not burning coal and digging up oil you'll be really chuffed and then you'll die alone in a home so a fat lot of good it'll do in the long run. But that's only if I was screaming. NO NOT IN THE CORNER PLEASE! ***Screams and sobs as SchmEthan drags it over to a corner and props it up***

SchmEthan: …Jinxy, what're the bear traps for?

Jinxy: Father Christmas, of course.** *Carefully adjusts a bear trap with a metal rod* **

SchmEthan: …That's not really on.

Jinxy: Neithers your face.

SchmEthan: …Something up with you. ***Checks Pokedex* **

Pokedex: JINXY, THE ELECTRIC POKEMON HYBRID. IN THIS FESTIVE PEROID, IT MAY ATTEMPT TO KILL ANY AND ALL MYTHICAL LEGENDS.

SchmEthan: Hmmm… ***Puts Pokedex away* **Where'd you even get these bear traps from?

Jinxy: From the bear trap salesman, of course.

SchmEthan: What bear trap salesman –

Bear trap salesman: HERE TAKE MY CARD! ***Offers* **

SchmEthan: WHY THANKS! ***Takes* **Wow, you've got some good deals! And - ***Suddenly realises* **You're a bear.

Bear trap salesman who's also a bear: NOTED! ***Cha chas out* **

SchmEthan: ***Looks at card carefully* **Jinxy, I think you've been conned! D=

Jinxy: SURELY NOT!

SchmEthan: LOOK! ***Kicks bear trap* **

Bear trap: ABLOOGYWOOGYWOO! ***Party hat* **

Jinxy: …ALL OUR SAVINGS! D:

SchmEthan: ***Looks up from business card* **What was that?

Jinxy: …Nuffin.

SchmEthan: …Kay. ***Rips up business card* **Will you abandon your attempts to kill Father Christmas if you come help me decorate this tree?

Tree: I HAVE A DEGREE IN DRAMA, Y'KNOW.

Jinxy: I HAVE A DEGREE IN WAINBOWS. ***Waves a bit of paper doodled on in crayon* **

SchmEthan: ***Produces a box with "DECORATIONAL SHIZZ" scribbled on the side* **LETS GET CRACKIN.

_Announcer Guy: __***Snores deeply* **_

Jinxy: JINGLE BELLS BATMAN SMELLS! ***Throws tinsel around tree* **ROBIN LAID AN EGG!

SchmEthan: If you're not going to sing it properly, don't sing it at all.

Jinxy: …SCHMETH'S A –

SchmEthan: DON'T EVEN GO THERE.

Jinxy: OH I WASN'T GOING TO.

SchmEthan: …You weren't?

Jinxy: I was, in fact, going over _here_. ***One step to the left* *Drumcrash* **

Tree: Ooo, I do look good in tinsel. ***Flaunt* **

SchmEthan: STAY STILL! ***Manages to put on another bauble* **

Jinxy: ***Rummages in box* **OO, the cheese baubles from last year! ***Holds up pieces of edam on string* **Smell a bit though…

Sell by date: Oh no, you're good.

Jinxy: Fair enough. ***Hangs on tree* **

SchmEthan: ***Hears a ping* **OH THE SUBWAY DECORATIONS! ***Hops off ladder and runs off* **

Jinxy: ***Reaches into box* **Oh hullo. ***Pulls out a bauble* *Pupils go wide* **

SchmEthan: ***Trots in with an apron on, carrying lots of ham and cheese Subways on hearty Italian* **Watcha got there, Jinxy?

Jinxy: ***Holds bauble out* **PRETTY!

SchmEthan: ***Takes off oven gloves and takes bauble* *Pupils go wide* **IT IS!

Jinxy: ***Bounds to feet* **What's in it, d'you think? ***Peers in* **

SchmEthan: I dunno… ***Looks at swirling object inside bauble* **Looks like a black hole to me.

Jinxy: A proper black hole.

SchmEthan: Yep.

Jinxy: One that could kill us all.

SchmEthan: Certainly.

Jinxy: …Well, that'll be just like the one in my bedroom floor then.

SchmEthan: That's the one.

…

***CLAWS AND FINGERS AND GIVE ME MY BAUBLE BITCH SNATCHY GRAB WHAT DO YOU MEAN MY BAUBLE ITS MINE AND IT INEVITABLY FALLS FROM SOMEONE'S HAND AND- * **

***SMASH!* **

***Jinxy and SchmEthan stare and back away as black hole sinks into floor* **

Jinxy: …Oh bugger.

SchmEthan: THIS IS COMPLETELY YOUR FAULT!

Jinxy: MY FAULT! HOW ABOUT _YOUR _FAULT FOR DROPPING THE THING IN THE FIRST PLACE?

SchmEthan: YOU KNOCKED IT OUT OF MY HANDS!

Jinxy: BECAUSE YOU WOULDN'T GIVE IT BACK!

Tree: ***DOES A LOT OF SWEARING AS IT GETS SUCKED IN* **

SchmEthan: …QUICK! ***Pulls Jinxy over to fireplace* **HANG ON!

***Co hosts hang on as black hole spits out tinsel and toy santas and baubles and Christmas joy and spirit and a coke advert and OH MY GOD THERE'S THINGS CLIMBING OUT - * **

***Black hole snaps shut* **

***Figures rise out of mist* **

Jinxy: SCHMETHAN I'M SORRY!

SchmEthan: ITS ALRIGHT I FORGIVE YOU!

Jinxy: …NO YOU SHOULD BE SORRY TOO!1

SchmEthan: LETS NOT ARGUE NOW GET READY TO FIGHT FOR OUR LIVES! ***Grabs decoration box and starts hurling contents at figures* **HAVE SOME CHRISTMAS CHEESE!

Jinxy: TAKE THESE BAUBLES! ***HURL* **

Mist: ***Coughsplutter* **Goodness, who're you little things?

Some more mist: WE ARE NOT LITTLE THINGS, HUMAN!

Mist: We best do some clearing.

Some more mist: AGREED!

***CLEAR* **

Jinxy: NO!

SchmEthan: IT SURELY ISN'T –

Voice: HARRIET JONES, FORMER PRIMEMINISTER! And an odd looking bunch of short aliens. Who're you supposed to be?

Other voices: WE ARE SONTARANS, MIGHTY WARRIORS!

Voice: Oh of course. Would you like a hankie?

Jimxy: ... We're gonna need some more of those Subways, SchmEth.

**_DID YOU MISS US? I bet you did. You look so pleased. ANYWAY - MERRY CHRISTMAS! Here's the Hub Show's gift to you, and we'll see you and PART TWO in the NEW YEAR! :D_**


End file.
